Page 12 of Loss

It’s time for me to make some decisions regarding my future. Both with the club and with my life. I’ve been thinking of joining the Nomad charter and I think it’s about time to do that. Maybe once I get back from this run and get Dad’s house taken care of. I’ll always consider Benton Falls home, but it just isn’t the same without my dad being here. Or maybe I’ll just take some time off from the club and ride around for a while. Try to find myself. Go somewhere I don’t have a million memories of my dad on a daily basis. No matter where I go, there’s something I can think about regarding him. It hurts so fucking much and does nothing to help me deal with the pain of losing him.

We’ve been on the road for hours when Killer gives the sign to pull over. We’re staying in a motel tonight and will finish the ride tomorrow at first light. Once we have our rooms, I head inside with the rest of the guys talking about going to a bar down the street. That’s the last thing I need right now. I haven’t been drinking and I don’t want to start again now. All my worst decisions are made when I’ve been drinking and I’m trying to do better. I need to do better for everyone around me and it’s time to pull my head out of my ass and keep it that way.

“You stayin’ here?” Killer asks, standing in the door of my room since I didn’t close it behind me.

“Yep. Gonna take a shower and head to bed,” I answer, setting my bag on the bed and turning to face him. “Have fun.”

Killer nods his head as I shut the door. Opening up my bag, I grab clean sweats and head for the bathroom. I take a cold shower because thoughts of Annabell have my cock hard as a rock. They always do. I won’t touch myself to her image anymore—I don’t deserve to do that, not while picturing her. It’s been weeks since I’ve been with a house bunny or touched myself. I’ve got the worst case of blue balls known to man and it's nothing less than I deserve.

It’s bad enough when I was with the house bunnies, I had to think of my Bell to get my cock hard and fuck them. It’s not something I’m proud to admit and I know I’d have my ass handed to me if anyone knew. So, it’s my secret and one I’ll take to the grave with me. Now, I refuse to disrespect her that way. Annabell deserves nothing less than my full respect because I know if I went to her today and told her I needed her, she’d be there without hesitation. Our relationship will never be the same, but she wouldn’t turn me away from her. That’s just who she is. And I overheard my brother telling Slim that she promised him she’d never give up on me. While it gives me hope, I also know that it doesn’t mean she’ll let me in like she used to. Not anytime soon at least.

After taking the world’s coldest shower, I get dressed in my sweats and lay on the bed in the room. I grab the remote and try to find something on the TV to watch, but nothing catches my attention. So, I shut it back off and pull out my phone. I pull up a picture of Annabell and just stare at her. It’s a black and white photo I took one day when we were laying in the grass and one of my favorite ones. I’ve got so many pictures of her on my phone from our time together, but this one will always be my favorite. I remember the day I took it like it was yesterday.

We had a picnic, something I’ve never done before, and she laid back to look up at the sky and watch the clouds floating by. I laid my head down next to her and we just laid there together for a long time. Neither one of us said a word because nothing needed to be said. Annabell doesn’t need to always talk to fill the space between us. The most important times I spend with her are the ones where no words are said because they’re not needed. For the first time in my life, I can tell what she’s thinking and feeling just from her body language. She can tell where my head’s at based on how I approach her and hold myself. That’s what makes our relationship so special. I don’t feel any pressure to fill the silence with words that aren’t meant.

When I sat back up, I took the picture of my Bell. Her eyes are closed and she’s got a serene smile on her face. Even in the black and white photo, you can see the sun’s rays bouncing off her hair and shining bright. It’s almost as if a halo is surrounding the top of her head. It was the moment I knew deep in my soul Annabell was going to be my angel, my savior. The second I snapped her picture, Annabell opened her eyes up and gave me the most gorgeous smile I’ve ever seen in my life. Her smile is enough to light up the darkest night and force all of your demons away. She makes me want to be so much more than I am today and I’ll constantly fight for her. I don’t see anything about that ever changing.

Now, I’ve shit on her and made her feel some type of way against me. I have no one to blame but myself and I’ll regret my choices until the day I die. Annabell doesn’t deserve my shit and I’ve done nothing but dish it out when she was just trying to be there for me. I was there for her and I couldn’t accept her doing the same thing for me. It’s not right or fair to her. And there’s no way I can ever make it right. It’s one of the reasons I want to leave Benton Falls—to give her some peace without seeing me on a regular basis.

Before I can close my eyes and try to get some sleep, there’s a knock on my door.

When I open it, I find Hunter standing on the other side. He’s leaning against the door frame and I wait for him to say what’s on his mind.

“You don’t deserve her. You know that, right?” he asks me, pain filling his voice.

“I know. I fucked it all up with her. And I have no good reason why other than my pain in misery,” I answer him honestly as I look at him and try to figure out what he’s gonna say and how this is going to play out.

“She loves you and I want to see her happy. If I thought I could make her happy, I’d give it a shot and lose my place in the club. But I know she only sees you and she feels your loss more than she’s willin’ to admit to anyone. Even herself. However, I also know that she’s been talkin’ to someone at school. She’s keepin’ things casual because she’ll be leavin’ soon and doesn’t want to leave someone behind. I’m sure you don’t know that. You know you’ve fucked up with her, but the truth is, you might have already lost her.”

“You’d give up your spot in the club for her?” I ask, folding my arms over my chest as his words slam into my soul.

“Yes, I would. If I had to, I’d join another club just to be a part of the brotherhood, but I’d give up bein’ in the Phantom Bastards for her. If she wanted me. I honestly don’t know what the fuck she sees in the guy from school, but they’re talkin’ about goin’ on a date or somethin’ after the next game. Pretty sure he’s one of the football players,” Hunter informs me even as his face falls with the thought of her being with someone else instead of him.

“That’s what she’s said?” I ask, not sure what to do with this information.

“Nope. I can see it written on her face when she hears your bike. Or talks about the club and stayin’ away from the men she loves. You’re the only one she wants and you need to decide what you want from her. For now, she’s pretendin’ she can move on from you with this other guy. I know she’s not lyin’ to him and she genuinely enjoys talkin’ to him. I’ve been there when he’s called or messaged her and her face lights up. Not like it does when she hears your bike or anythin’ but it’s still there. I’ve also seen her when I walk up to her. Again, her face lights up and she enjoys spendin’ time with me. But, neither one of us are you,” Hunter tells me, standing up from the door frame and staring me down.

“You won’t have to worry about it much longer. I think I’m headin’ out when we get back from this run. I’m talkin’ to Slim about takin’ off for a while and bein’ on my own to sort my shit out. If you want to go for her, do it. But talk to the Pres first. I’m not gonna stand in your way. I want her happy and I know she’ll never trust me after the shit I’ve done to her,” I state as pain and regret fill me to the point that it’s hard to breathe and I need to grab onto the door tighter to hold myself up.

“That’s the thing, she doesn’t want anyone but you. Other than the guy at school, others have asked her out and she turns them all down. It could be because of the one she’s talkin’ to, but I know it’s you and only you that she’s goin’ to settle with. Everyone knows it, even her. She’s tryin’ to get over you, but she can’t because she’s got that everlastin’ love for you. Unless you put your hands on her, Annabell is always gonna love you and wait for you to get over your shit,” Hunter tells me, turning his back and walking down to the bikes. He’ll keep watch over them until the guys get back.

I turn and sit on the bed, thinking about everything Hunter just told me. I want to leave Benton Falls behind and get over the loss of my dad so I can be the man Annabell needs me to be. But if I leave here, am I going to make the biggest mistake of my life and push Annabell even further away? Or straight into the arms of another man like Hunter? Or worse, a man who’s not from the club that no one knows anything about? Will we all lose Annabell because of the decisions I’ve made recently? Fuck!

So many decisions to make and not a lot of time to make them. I need to figure out the best way I can do what I have to do for myself and make sure Annabell is safe and happy. If that means me leaving, I’ll do it. I don’t want to ask her and put the decision on her shoulders, so I’m going to have to use the next two days to figure out the best thing to do and make it happen. Usually, I’d go to Valor to sort this kind of shit out. Now, I know he won’t take my call. And if he does, he won’t talk to me about Bell. If anything, he’ll tell me to leave her the fuck alone and not hurt her anymore. Hell, he’s the one who’s been teaching her how to drive and that kills me because I was supposed to teach her. I’ve proven that she can no longer depend on me and it can’t be taken back with a few words.

I lay down to try and find sleep, but it doesn’t let me sink into it and hide from all the thoughts, pain, and realizations floating around me. My night is spent tossing and turning with thoughts of Annabell and what I need to do. Killer finds me half asleep and sitting on my bike when he comes out with two cups of coffee the next morning. After handing one to me, he sits on his own bike and I wait for him to talk. Killer always does things in his own time and I know this will be no different.

“What’s goin’ on, Vault?” he finally asks, taking a sip of his coffee while staring at me.

“Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. Got a lot on my mind,” I answer, taking a sip of coffee and lighting a cigarette.

“Annabell?” he questions without any judgment or censure.

“Among other things. Thinkin’ of goin’ on the road to figure out what I want to do now, what I need to do to make everythin’ I fucked up right,” I tell him, voicing that thought out loud for the first time since I had it.

“Well, you’ve got a few days to figure it out and I know it’s goin’ to be weighin’ on you. You need to keep your head in the game so no one gets hurt,” Killer warns me. “I’m not losin’ anyone on this run because your head isn’t here. You got me?”

“I got you. I’ll be here and only here,” I assure him, taking a long sip of the hot coffee.

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