Page 14 of Loss

Valor pulls me into his arms from my dad’s and walks me back in the clubhouse. He leads me to Vault’s room and uses a key to open the door. The room is destroyed as we walk in and he leads me to the bed. I sit down and pick up one of the dirty shirts laying on the floor. It smells just like Vault, and as I hold it to my nose, I curl up into a ball on his bed. I’m not thinking of the women who have probably been in here with him. The only thing I’m thinking about is the man who just left and took my heart with him. The man who needs to find love and peace before he completely loses himself and lets his demons win.

“I know you’re hurtin’, Pretty Girl. He’ll be back sooner or later. I’m gonna lock you in here. Take your time and just be. I know you have a game tonight, so I’ll make sure you're up with enough time to get ready,” Valor tells me, getting off the bed and leaving the room so I can be alone with Vault’s things.

I look at the nightstand and see a picture of the two of us. Vault has his arms wrapped around me from behind and his chin resting on my shoulder. We’re both smiling at Valor, who’s taking the picture. I remember the day Valor took the picture when we were outside the clubhouse. It was the day of a cookout. We had been talking about me going away to college and him waiting for me here. One of our private conversations no one knew about because it was meant for the two of us alone and no one else.

Those were the days we talked about building a future together and as soon as I turned eighteen him making me his ol’ lady, of the house we’d build together and the wedding we’d have. Hell, we even talked about our kids and what we’d name them. Now, all those dreams have been dashed. They just rode out of the clubhouse parking lot with another woman on the back of his bike and wrapped around his body.

Letting the tears fall, I’m not sure how long it takes before I fall asleep holding both the shirt and the picture of us surrounded by Vault’s things and the smell of him. For the first time in weeks I feel whole and a sense of peace washes over me as sleep finally pulls me under.

Shy wakes me up and I’m disoriented for a minute until this morning comes rushing back toward me. Vault’s gone and I fell asleep in his bed at the clubhouse crying. Valor left me here so I could be close to Vault and now I’m a mess. I have a game in a little bit and I’m not going to be in the mood to cheer. Or be stuck at a football game with a bunch of peppy girls while I’m devastated. I’m also supposed to be going on a date tonight. My very first date and it’s not gonna happen. I can’t let myself go out with another guy after I was just destroyed by Vault. It’s not fair to the guy from school and it’s time I let him go. If only letting Vault go felt as easy to do.

“Honey, I know you don’t want to go to the game, but I think it’s important you do,” Shy tells me, sitting next to me on the bed and running her fingers through my hair like she’s done in the past when I needed to be comforted. “You don’t want to let what you’re feeling consume you and set you back from everything you’ve been working toward. Or head down a destructive path like Vault was just on and how you were when you first showed up here. I know it all, baby. No one told me, I saw the signs and I’m glad Vault was able to pull you back from the ledge before we lost you.”

“I know. I’m going to get up and get ready. I don’t want to go, but I know I have to,” I tell her, sitting up in the bed and taking one last look at the picture of Vault and me. “I’m not going out after the game though. I think it’s best if I tell him I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to him. Eventually, I’ll get to the point I’ll be able to give another guy a chance, but it’s not today.”

“I think that’s a smart idea, honey. Your guy is out there and you’ll find him one way or another. Maybe you’ll end up with Vault when the time is right. After you’ve both grown some more and finally put your pasts completely behind you. Right now, that’s not the case and we all know it,” she says, running her hand down my arm before turning and looking around Vault’s room at the mess he made when he was drinking and didn’t care about anything around him.

I stand up and leave the room with Shy on my heels. While I leave the picture behind because I have the same one in my room next to my bed, I take his shirt with me. I’m not leaving it behind when it’s the one thing I have now that smells like Vault. I’ve got hoodies and other shirts from him, but none of them have his smell any longer. It’s disappeared from wearing them to bed and then washing them. They’ll all I have left of him moving forward and I’m going to keep one that smells like him for as long as possible.

Shy leads me to the SUV and drives around back to the house so I can take a shower and get in my uniform for the game. I leave Vault’s shirt on my bed before heading into the bathroom. I’ll be sleeping with it every night so I have a piece of Vault with me. It’s the only thing I can do until this crushing pain leaves me. As I strip out of my clothes, I pull out my phone from my pocket and send a message to the guy from school I’ve been talking to. He’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve me to play games with him so I’m not going to. He replies before I get in the shower and doesn’t make me feel even worse for letting him go. I’m simply told that he understands and knew this might happen from the very beginning. For the first time since seeing Vault today, I let myself smile because this guy is truly too good and a kind person that I know will remain a friend if nothing more.

After I’m ready for the game, I grab my warm-ups and head downstairs so Shy or Slim can take me to the school. Another thing I haven’t learned how to do is drive enough to take my road test. I’ve got my permit, but not enough hours and confidence to actually take the driving portion to get my license. Valor’s been working with me and I’m getting better, but I don’t feel ready. I’m not going to get behind the wheel of a car when I’m not ready to. I’ll only end up hurting someone. So, I need a little bit more time. I just hope I’m ready before I leave for college so I don’t have to walk everywhere and depend on everyone around me for rides. Especially if I want to come home over a break or anything like that.

“I’m ready to go,” I tell Shy as she pulls something out of the oven.

“Okay. This needs to cool down anyway,” she answers, grabbing Rayven in her car seat as I pick up Kinsliegh to take out to the SUV.

We ride through town in silence with the girls chatting in their baby babble and the music playing softly in the SUV. Shy will never force me to talk because she knows it will only make me close up even more. It’s my way of coping with things that are too hard to deal with or talk about. I’ve gotten better about it with my counseling, but I’m still a work in progress and will be for a long time. I’ll have to make an appointment with my counselor to talk about this stuff with Vault. She knows all about him and what he means to me. It’s the only way I’ll be able to work through things because I have a tendency to close myself off and keep everything bottled up. It’s why I can recognize when someone else is doing the same thing so easily.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Shy asks as she pulls into the school parking lot and parks close to the curb so I can get out and meet my team.

“I don’t have a choice but to be okay. He’s been pushing me away and today is the final straw, I guess,” I answer, thinking of the girl he took with him who’s not me. “He left with someone else on his bike and I know that seat is reserved for his ol’ lady or the woman who will be his ol’ lady. He told me that the first time I rode with him. Vault has made his decision and I hope he can find happiness with her and finally start to mourn Hound in a way that’s not self-destructive. Maybe she’s been helping him and none of us know that.”

“He loves you. He’s just lost right now,” Shy says before I get out. “He’ll be back, Annabell.”

I nod my head and will myself not to start crying again. If I start crying now, I won’t stop again. That’s no way to go through a football game as a cheerleader. I have to get a hold of myself and make sure I can pretend to be cheery and peppy as I cheer for the next few hours. Shy wants to believe he’ll be back, but I know deep in my soul that he won’t be returning to the club. Everyone needs to believe he’ll be back because he's family to them. They aren’t thinking about the fact that he can no longer live in Benton Falls without seeing the ghost of Hound everywhere he looks. With how deep he's spiraled, Vault doesn’t need to be reminded of his dad with every step he takes. Or every beat of his heart as he looks around him. He carries his memories of Hound deep in his heart and will always have them. In order to start to properly heal from losing his dad, Vault needs to cut ties to Benton Falls and leave to form his own path in life. Even if it means leaving the Phantom Bastards behind and not being a member any longer.

As soon as I get on the field, I begin stretching with the rest of the girls and warming up. We’ll put our warm-ups on before we go say our hello to the other cheerleaders for the opposing team. Then, we’ll take them back off once the team runs onto the field. I’m not sure why we do it this way, but we do and I’m not in the mood to question it. Tonight I’m not in the mood to question anything, think of what needs to happen, or anything else. It’s a good thing cheerleading comes naturally to me and I don’t have to think about what I’m doing. I can focus on other things throughout the game and know I’m perfectly executing every cheer, jump, and routine we perform. It’s only because I’ve been doing this for so long and it’s ingrained in me.

During the first quarter of the game, the entire club shows up. They take their normal seats in the bleachers while Slim and Shy stand at the fence for a while. The girls are here with them tonight and I turn to face them and wave. Shy has Kinsliegh dressed in her little cheerleader outfit, complete with pom poms in the school’s colors. She looks absolutely adorable as she gets excited when she sees me. I laugh as her little squeal sounds loud and proud in a quiet moment. Everyone on the team with me starts laughing and saying how adorable she is. I have to agree with them. My baby sister is the most adorable little cheerleader ever.

I turn back and pay attention to the game with reluctance. By halftime, we’re winning by two touchdowns. The squad goes out to do our routine and we kill it. As we run back to the sidelines, Hunter stands at the fence with a bottle of water for me. He hands it over and doesn’t move from his spot. I know something’s on his mind and he’s just waiting to find the time to say it. Hunter takes his time with big decisions and overthinks things at times. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve learned to read the signs and know when he needs me to be patient for him.

“You look good out there,” he tells me, his cheeks turning red as he looks at me while I take a deep drink of the water he got me.

“Thank you. And thank you for the water,” I answer, feeling my own cheeks heat up with a blush from a few words from Hunter.

“What are you doin’ after the game?” he asks, pulling his eyes from me and looking at the ground between us.

“I’m not sure. Probably going to get some sleep. I’m not exactly in the mood to be here right now,” I answer honestly, thinking of the date I already broke off but not telling Hunter about it.

“Oh. Well, one of these days, I’d like to take you to dinner. If you want to go,” he tells me, digging his boot into the small mound of dirt in front of him.

“Alright. That sounds good,” I tell him, offering him a smile.

“Hunter, bleachers,” Slim says, walking up to us and staring at me and only me.

Hunter nods his head and does as his President orders him to do. Slim looks at me for a minute as I drink more of the water Hunter gave me.

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