Page 112 of Kneeling to Candy

I scream, curse, and wail, spewing out the toxic memories and my worries.

I don’t know how long I cry for. But when my shudders subside and eyes go dry, I lay exhausted on the plush cream carpet, with Butch holding me and tenderly petting my hair.

“I’m scared,” I admit, my voice hoarse and low.

I feel Butch’s head nod behind me. “It’s okay. We’re all scared.”

My eyebrow lifts. I roll to face him. “Why are you scared? You’ve done these types of missions before. You won’t be confronting…a man who…” I pause, bracing myself. “A man who hurt you.”

My biker carefully brushes my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. “Yes, I have done missions like this before. Many of them. And no, I am not coming face-to-face with someone who hurt me. But I worry about you, Candy. I know you’ll be confronting evil incarnate. I know it’ll hurt you, and I don’t want you hurting—ever. No partner wants their significant other to feel pain—emotional or physical. I can’t fight off your emotions, but I sure as fuck will fight off anyone there who would wish to harm you. And I will, with no hesitation.”

A heavy sigh leaves me. “I know you have my back. That was never a worry of mine. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m feeling vulnerable. This whole time we’ve been training for this mission, I’ve been holding it together.”

“Listen to what you’re saying, Candy,” Butch husks. “You’ve been ‘holding it together’ for the sake of the mission. Yeah, you’ve been working with Brandon to sort your feelings as they arise. But at some point, you were bound to get slammed with it all. Suppressing your past trauma, learning new critical skills in a week, worrying about the victims, while knowing tomorrow you were going to confront a ghost from your past—your feelings were going to make an appearance. They just decided on showing up today.”

“But why now, when I’ve been good at managing it?”

Butch gives me a small smile, showing me a hint of his dimples. “You can’t be strong all the time, sweetness. You think I don’t get scared when I go out on a search and recovery operation? I’m worried with every mission. I worry because I know that not every assignment turns out okay, that we could lose someone, that we may never find who we’re looking for, and even when we find them, it’s not always a fortunate situation. That shit builds up, like plaque in the arteries. It can slowly kill us if we don’t let out our frustrations. Some of us work it out in the gym. Others go talk with Brandon. And a few have even coped in unhealthy ways before setting themselves right again.

“The point is, we all have our moments when our fears seem to get the best of us. I don’t want to call them weak moments when there’s nothing weak about confronting your demons. That shit hurts, sometimes worse than taking a hit or a bullet. Unfortunately, it happens when we’re at our weakest, making it a hundred times more complicated to deal with. But look at you. You’re addressing it. And you’re pushing through, making you all the stronger after the clouds pass. That’s what a hero does, and that’s what you are.”

What? “A hero?”

“Yeah, Candy. You’re doing a hero’s job, helping us recover these women. That makes you a hero.”

My head flounders. I never considered I was a hero in any of this. Yes, I’m helping the team, giving them insider information, and offering suggestions on how to handle the case. I’m doing my role, as they are doing theirs. But me? A hero?

“Do you realize I’m fucking proud of you? You probably don’t, since I never said it. Well, I’m saying it now. I’m damn proud of you and the help you’ve given our team. I may have been a massive prick at the beginning of this operation, only because I wanted to protect you and went about it the wrong way. But every day since, I’ve watched you tackle this investigation head on, throwing everything you have into it. What you’ve been doing, and what you’ll do tomorrow…”

Butch pauses, shaking his head. “I know men in this MC who couldn’t confront their abuser if the shoe was on the other foot. Hell, I couldn’t. But you, Candy, you’re brave beyond measure.”

I sniffle. “Brave? I don’t feel brave at the moment.”

“And that’s okay,” he reassures, wiping away the rogue tears that continue to slip out of the corner of my eyes with his thumbs. “Heroes aren’t brave all the time. They’re brave when they need to be. That’s what makes them heroes. They do the job, knowing it will hurt.”

They do the job, knowing it’ll hurt. Those words ripple inside of me like the soundwaves of a clanging cymbal, grounding me.

Tomorrow will hurt. Facing Duffy will hurt. Seeing those women paraded onto the stage, drugged up and half-naked, will hurt.

Some things are worth the hurt. And rescuing these victims from the life I lived is worth all of it.

Rejuvenated again, I sit up from my fetal position, wiping away the remains of my tears with the back of my hand. I don’t know where my inner strength is coming from, probably influenced by Butch and his inspiring words. All I’m certain of is, I want to be the hero Butch claims I am.

My biker sits across from me, our knees kissing each other. He takes my hands in his, staring deep into my eyes. “There’s my warrior goddess.”

Despite the somber mood, I laugh. “I’m a warrior now? All these new attributes.”

Deadpan, Butch says, “Only a warrior can survive and thrive after what you’ve gone through.”

This man. I’m only teasing Butch when I call him my biker boy, but there’s nothing boy about him. Only a man can see what I’ve been through—what I’ve overcome—and praise me like a queen, like I’m his queen.

“If you can be heroic with this mission, then I can be brave with my feelings.” He gulps, his eyes never leaving mine. “I love you, Candy.”

My heart stalls a moment before kicking into overdrive, jack-hammering against my ribs like it’s trying to break free and spring onto Butch.

“I’ve loved you so fucking much for so long,” he confesses. “My actions may have been screaming I loved you, but you deserve to hear it, too.”

My voice hitches in my throat, rendering me speechless. Touched, my eyes fill with new tears.

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