Page 28 of Kayak Girl

I hugged Brenda and walked back to my room. At least my panic was gone. She’d given me too much to think about for me to have enough time to panic. For someone who didn’t know their way around a makeup brush, she sure knew her way around life.

I thought of what she’d said about God creating us to work and have responsibility. I wondered if that was why I had felt so far from God on this trip. It was essentially my escape plan. Maybe God didn’t want me to escape? Maybe he wanted me to live healed and whole like Brenda? That sure seemed more appealing than all this running.

That evening, as I sat on my creaky dorm room bed, I opened my Bible to one of my favorite passages. The words spoke to me in a way they hadn’t in a long time, and I felt God’s presence filling my heart. As I prayed, I poured out my emotions and fears to Him, asking for guidance in dealing with the heavy burden I’d carried for so long. I recounted the abuse I’d suffered at the hands of my father, how his harsh words and expectations had left me with a crippling fear of conflict. As I spoke to God about the heavy burden of responsibility I’d carried as a child, I realized I’d been carrying it with me all these years, letting it shape my relationships and decisions.

As I continued to pray, I experienced a newfound understanding of God’s love and forgiveness wash over me. He’d been with me through all my trials, even when I felt most alone. This revelation brought me to tears, and a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I knew then that I couldn’t keep the truth about the crash from Gray any longer. My fear of conflict, of disappointing him, was just another piece of baggage I needed to let go of. I needed to trust in God’s love and support and believe that He would give me the strength to face whatever consequences came from telling the truth. Even if Gray wanted nothing to do with me after. I just had to find the right moment to tell him.

Chapter 20

GRAY

I’d tossed and turned all night as I tried to figure out the way forward with Elle. Yesterday I’d convinced myself that just spending time with her would be enough. Yet, deep down, I craved more. There were fleeting moments when I sensed she might feel the same, but I couldn’t be sure.

She planned to travel, at least for the next year. Could I do long distance again? I’d been scorched by that fire before and was left with nothing but ashes. Yet, lying there with my thoughts in turmoil, I couldn’t dismiss the notion that Elle was different. There was something about her I couldn’t ignore, something that made the risk of another long-distance relationship seem almost worthwhile.

Oh, man. One thoughtless volleyball pass on Friday and now risking another ‘Kayley-gate’ didn’t seem like a terrible option. Fighting my attraction to Elle was exhausting. She inspired me, her zest for life and her gentle heart made me want to be better. I replayed our conversations in my mind. The way her eyes sparkled when she talked about her adventures. The passion in her voice as she talked about God. In those moments, I felt a unique connection to her, and I knew I didn’t want to let that go.

But what if history repeated itself? What if the distance was too much for us to handle? What if she couldn’t be trusted? I was torn between the longing in my heart and the fear of being hurt again. My head told me to walk away, to avoid the heartache I knew could come from another failed long-distance relationship. But my heart begged me to take a chance, to risk it all for the possibility of something great. That is, if Elle wanted that too.

I thought about the way she made me feel—the happiness that spread through my chest whenever I saw her smile, the warmth that enveloped me when she laughed. And as I considered those moments, I realized maybe it wasn’t about whether I could handle a long-distance relationship. Perhaps it was more about whether I could handle not being with Elle.

All at once, it became clear to me. If I let Elle go, I would be giving up on the possibility of something extraordinary, and I knew I would always wonder what could have been. So, as the first rays of sunlight spilled into my room, I made up my mind. If Elle was interested in a relationship with me, I definitely wanted to pursue one with her. She seemed skittish about the whole dating thing, so I’d have to tread carefully.

I’d just finished practice with the band when Elle stepped into the church. The doors were far from the stage, but it was as if I could sense the shift in the room the minute she entered. I watched her wander in. Today she wore torn jeans and a loose top. Beautiful.

She moved toward a seat at the back. I wanted her to sit with me, but I needed to be near the front for the worship session, so I placed my guitar on its stand and went to her. As I neared, I noticed Ivan talking to her and pointing to a chair next to him. Not so fast, buddy. I upped my pace. If I didn’t do something quick, she would be stuck sitting next to Ivan, and I’d spend another service distracted.

“Hey Elle, so glad you made it. I saved a seat for you,” I said as I reached her. I smiled, hoping she’d go along with me.

Elle spun to face me. I swear I saw relief on her face, and then she put her guard up again.

“Um, thanks Gray,” she said, just above a whisper.

I stepped up and cradled her elbow in my hand as I guided her to my chair. Ivan looked my way, and I gave him one solid nod. I hoped he understood my meaning.

Elle leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear, “How come I always land up in the front row at your church?”

“With me, it won’t be the front, but the second row from the front. You don’t have to sit with me if you don’t want to, though,” I whispered back.

“I want to,” she said softly. Three words. Who knew three words could cause such a reaction in my body? My heart, usually so steady and controlled, began to beat a rhythm that felt like it was trying to break free from my chest.

As we settled into our seats, I paused for a moment to really look at Elle. The colors on her face were a bit more vibrant than usual, a stark contrast to her typically understated style. “What happened to your face?” I asked with a grin.

Elle’s hand flew to her cheek, a soft giggle escaping her lips. “Oh, that would be Brenda’s doing,” she explained, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “She swooped in this morning with her makeup kit, determined to lift my spirits. I just couldn’t bring myself to say no to her. Does it look that bad?”

“You? Look bad? Impossible. But I must admit, it’s certainly... distinctive,” I said, my words teasing yet sincere. The fact that Elle had allowed Brenda to experiment on her, spoke volumes to me.

My curiosity piqued, I leaned in slightly. “Why did Brenda feel you needed cheering up, though?” I asked, my tone softening. I wanted to understand, to peer into the layers of Elle that she kept hidden away.

“Oh, nothing important,” she said.

I saw my team gathering on stage. “I’ll be right back,” I whispered into Elle’s ear. Not because I needed to whisper. I just wanted to get close to her.

After leading the worship, I stepped off the stage and made a quick detour to the children’s church. I was supposed to have lunch at my parents’ house today, but now I needed to change those plans.

I spotted Mom easily. She was arranging crafts on a table, her movements gentle and precise. “Hey, Mom,” I called out, rushing over to her.

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