Page 42 of Kayak Girl

“I’m not making excuses, but I hate conflict and I’ve struggled to find the right moment to tell you. I’m sorry,” she whispered, so softly that I almost missed it.

“Timelines don’t matter, Elle,” I said, forcing calm into my voice. “The fact is, you lied, and I can’t trust you anymore. If you can lie about something as small as this, what will you do with the big stuff?”

Silence met my question, and I squeezed the steering wheel tighter, lost in a torrent of thoughts.

“You aren’t being fair, Gray,” she said, and I heard the tears brewing in her voice.

The thought of her crying crushed a part of me, but I couldn’t allow myself to be blinded by emotions the way I had with Kayley.

“This all happened so fast. I promise I tried to do the right thing, but relationships aren’t easy for me,” she said.

“Obviously. We should’ve stuck to our sensible rules. We will never work.”

“So that’s it? We’re over?” she asked, with horror in her voice, as if her lying to me was irrelevant.

“I guess. If I can’t trust you, we can’t be together.”

“Okay,” Elle said. I glanced her way and saw what looked like pain in her eyes. Pain? Whatever. She was just playing me like Kayley. Elle stared out the window until we arrived at the hostel. In fact, she didn’t even glance at me when she climbed out.

Was I overreacting? Perhaps. But lying would never be acceptable in my book. I should’ve listened to Weston from the start and never gotten involved with Elle. Argh. Anger at myself eclipsed my every thought.

Instead of pacing the grounds of the hostel, I went for a run. I tried to reason with myself that Elle keeping stuff from me wasn’t a big deal, but I failed. Every which way I looked at the situation, I still felt betrayed.

Chapter 29

ELLE

My heart pounded in my chest as I listened to Gray deliver his verbal blows, each one landing with a painful thud on my already bruised spirit. I stared out the window at the world beyond, my eyes unfocused but my mind keenly aware of the storm brewing between us. The familiar urge to run came over me, to escape the conflict that threatened to engulf me. But I reminded myself that I was no longer that scared little girl, cowering in the face of her father’s abuse. Plus, I couldn’t forget what Brenda had told me last week. If God wanted me to embrace responsibility, then nothing good would come from running. I would deal with the consequences of my actions. God would give me the grace to handle this.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I stepped out of the car. I turned and shut the door. It felt like I was sealing away the dreams of ‘us’ that had blossomed so vividly, now withering under the weight of my untold truth. I watched Gray’s car as it made a slow turn and disappeared down the gravel road.

Dragging my feet towards my dorm room, each step was heavy with the burden of regret. Inside, the tears that had been threatening to spill finally broke free, cascading down my cheeks. How had it all ended like this? I’d tried to tell him a few times and each time it just felt harder and harder. I’d been a coward and kept finding excuses. What now, God?

Finding clarity in this moment felt like trying to catch smoke with my bare hands. I knew I needed guidance, a beacon to navigate through this murky mess. Brenda, with her wisdom and unwavering faith, had helped me last week; perhaps she could help me again. So, after hastily blotting my tear-stained cheeks with a tissue, I went in search of her.

Fortunately, my search didn’t last long, as Brenda was on reception duty. She sat on that old sofa reading a book with her injured foot up. All the swelling was gone, and she no longer had a brace on it. It was definitely improving.

“Brenda, can I talk to you?” I asked, my voice quivering with the effort of holding back tears.

She looked up from her book, her eyes reflecting a depth of understanding that only years can bring. Without a word, she patted the seat beside her. I sat.

“What’s the matter, hon?”

“It’s about Gray... and everything,” I said, the words tumbling out in a rush. “Remember you told me about how responsibility is a good thing? Well, I tried to do the right thing, but I made a mess of everything.” I recounted the events of the afternoon, the painful revelation at the barbeque, the fight with Gray, and the crushing weight of my guilt and regret. “He said he can’t trust me anymore. I don’t know what to do.”

Brenda listened, her face full of empathy. When I finished, she took a deep breath, her words slow and deliberate. “Elle, embracing responsibility is a journey, not a destination. You’re going to make mistakes in this life, but the question is, will you face your failures and give them to God?”

I nodded, the tears threatening to spill over. “I want to do that. But what about Gray? How do I make this right when he doesn’t even want to see me?”

“Sometimes, making things right isn’t about fixing the past, but about living rightly in the present,” Brenda said softly. “You can’t control Gray’s forgiveness, only your own actions. Continue on your path, commit to your responsibilities, and let God guide your heart.”

“Yes! That’s what I want. But I feel so lost, now that I’m not trying to run from responsibility. And with how I’ve ruined things with Gray, I feel I’ve lost my direction. I want to do God’s will for my life. But how do I know what that is? I wish it didn’t have to be this big mystery.”

Brenda’s response was gentle, yet it carried a weight of certainty. “Oh, honey. That’s an easy one. God’s told you His will for your life in several places in the Bible. It’s right there in black and white. It’s no mystery.”

“Really? Why have I always felt like it’s this elusive thing we have to somehow figure out as Christians?”

She leaned forward, her hands clasping mine. “In Matthew, Jesus said we are to ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’. And in Thessalonians, there is a whole list of things for us to do, and at the end of the list, it says ‘And this is God’s will for those who believe in Christ Jesus.’ So, it’s no mystery. You and every believer can know exactly what God’s will is for your life.”

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