Page 106 of Felix

“Yeah,” I say a little wearily myself. Being around my mother feels like standing under a rain cloud. I’d almost forgotten how oppressive it could be. “I’ve been good. Grandma moved into an assisted living facility at the beginning of the year.”

She hums, retying the apron around her waist. She doesn’t ask for more details, and I let it go.

“Anything new with you?” I ask.

She glances out the window, as if looking for anything that could possibly be new in her life. “I’m fine,” she answers.

It’s not an answer at all.

“Did you come for a reason?” she asks, straightening a plastic container of napkins.

Suddenly, I can’t stand it. This place. The plastic and cracked leather. The remnants of a time long past and the woman standing in it with disinterest in her tone.

“I deserved better,” I tell her.

Her eyes meet mine. She doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t even look surprised. “I did the best I could, Christian. Maybe it wasn’t enough, but…it was all I had.”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t help but think of Specs. Of his demonstration of neural processes on the comforter in his bedroom. Of hope and wanting to change. I think about the brain maps on his living room wall, how different fear is from love. I think about every person seeing the world through their own lens, through their own biases and experiences, and how I’ll never truly know how my mom feels. Where I see beauty, she sees pain.

Maybe I did deserve better. But so does she.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I say sincerely. “I’m sorry you’re stuck in the past. I truly am. I hope, one day, you can be happy again.”

My mom barely blinks, barely acknowledges my words, and with a nod, I turn to go. My heart is heavy as I walk away. As the door jingles overhead. It’s an ache for her. For myself. For the relationship we never had and never will.

There’s no telling what this world will bring with all its chaos, with all its beauty. And I still don’t know whether or not I believe in fate. Destiny. It’s a little hard not to when Emil fell into my life not once or even twice, but time and time again, as if for a reason.

But there’s one thing I’m sure of. I’m not destined to end up like my mother. I’m in charge of this life I’ve been given, and I’m going to make the best of it. I have my grandma. I have songpyeon and sewing. I have nature documentaries and Noel and my new coworkers at Elite 8 Studios.

I have Specs.

I have innumerable things in my life that are good. Things that make me happy, that spark joy.

I’m living. I’m loving. And that, I know with all my heart, is more than enough.

Chapter 27

Emil

Christian was acting cagey this morning when I asked if he wanted to drive together to Elite 8 Studios. He told me he’d meet me here. That he had something to do first.

But he didn’t say what.

I try not to let it worry me, but I’ve never been very successful at not worrying.

“Emil?” a deep voice says, breaking me from my trance.

“Oh. Hey, Trevor.”

“Everything all right?” he asks. Trevor has worked here longer than anyone else. His moniker, Bruiser, comes from the fact that the guy is a beast: big and muscled and almost scary-looking if you didn’t know better. In truth, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

“I’m fine,” I assure him, although me standing in the entryway to the studio not moving a muscle probably doesn’t help my case.

I head alongside Trevor into the building.

“Filming today?” I ask him.

He nods. “Breaking in the newest hire, Sean.”

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