Page 116 of Felix

Christian hums. “And you? What do you think?”

“I think I’ve spent a long time not saying anything, and I’m afraid it’s my own fault. That all of this is entirely my fault.”

Christian lets out a small breath and steps in close. His wintergreen scent hits me, a gentle cocoon, and then the man himself is wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pressing his cheek to the side of my head. “It’s not your fault, Specs. What did you say to me when I asked you about destiny? You told me we can never truly control others.”

“No, we can’t,” I agree.

“Your parents’ actions are not on you,” he says. “But now’s your chance to speak up. You can stay in the past where nothing is capable of changing. Or you can leap and know that, no matter what happens here today, I’ll be there to catch you on the other side, okay?”

“Yeah,” I breathe out, my tension dropping. “Fuck, why are you so great?”

“Well, see, I’ve been dating this really smart doctorate-of-psychology-in-training. And I think he might be rubbing off on me.”

I snort a laugh. “I do rub off on you a lot.”

“Yes, you do, and I love it,” he says, squeezing me before easing back. “Ready to walk in there?”

I brush a kiss against Christian’s cheek. “Ready.”

I can hear Rebecca and Henry as soon as I open the door. The smell of pine hits me, too, likely from the candles inside the foyer, seeing as my parents’ tree is artificial. I let go of Christian’s hand to take off my shoes, and it’s not long before my siblings cue in to the fact that we’re here.

“Hey,” Rebecca says, bounding over. She tugs the bag of presents out of my grip. “Thanks.”

“Those are for everyone,” I call after her, shaking my head as she disappears around the corner. Seeing my brother, I add, “Hey, Henry.”

He deigns to grace us with a nod.

“Where are Mom and Dad?” I ask.

“Kitchen,” Henry answers.

Turning to Christian, I speak quietly. “Give me some time alone with them?”

“You sure?” he asks, talking just as low.

I nod. “Yeah. I need to do this part on my own. You can keep the youngins busy.”

Christian gives my glasses a small nudge. “You got this, Specs.”

As my boyfriend heads into the living room, I make my way down the hall. My mom is standing in front of the fridge, putting what I assume are leftovers from breakfast inside as my dad washes dishes at the sink. I stop for a moment, steeling myself.

“Hey.”

Mom turns her head. “Hey, hon. Is Christian with you?”

“Yeah, uh, he’s in the living room. Could we talk for a second?”

My mom frowns slightly as she shuts the fridge door. “Of course. What’s up?”

Feeling like I might fidget out of my skin, I head to the table and take a seat. My mom follows, shooting Dad a glance. He dries his hands before joining us.

“So, uh, I don’t really know how to say this,” I start, staring at the wooden table. I trace a groove with my fingertip, pulse hammering. “So I’m just going to do it. Sometimes…I feel invisible inside this house. I feel like you guys don’t even know what’s going on in my life, and that you don’t care. And I try to talk to you, but there’s always more important things. And…and it makes me feel shitty to even say it, but I want you to see me. Sometimes I just…I want to know that you see me.”

Silence falls, and I focus on the table, on the tiny divot in the wood, instead of the way my throat is burning. My mom is the first to speak.

“Emil, hon. I had no clue you felt that way. I… I’m sorry for making you feel less important than the other things going on in my life. That was never my intention. I…” She lets out a small breath, but I can’t quite bring myself to raise my eyes. “You’ve always been so fiercely independent, and I didn’t realize you needed more from me. From us.”

“Your mother’s right,” my dad cuts in. “It’s no excuse. But, son… You were so well-behaved as a child. You never got into trouble. Never needed us to come to your aid. You’re smart, and you’ve been successful at forging your own path in this world. And I guess, like your mother, I thought that meant you didn’t need us in your pocket. I’m sorry if we’ve let you down.”

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