Page 21 of On Thin Ice

“Callie?” I groan, sweeping my arm across the warm but empty bed sheet beside me. I crack open one eye, scanning the room but I don’t see her. Fuck, did she duck out on me this morning? I know she was stressed last night, anxiety clouding her mind after she gave herself to me. She’s still scared, utterly terrified really that I'm going to toss her aside, but she couldn’t be more wrong. Now I’ve seen every side of her I'm even more obsessed and the chance of me getting bored with her and changing my mind about what I want is laughable. I just wish she could read my thoughts sometimes, see how I see her, how I feel when I look at her beautiful green eyes and her wild yet soft curls. I know it’s actually me who’s in dangerous territory here, falling hard for a girl who doesn’t know if she can trust me, doesn’t know if she can give herself to me fully. My heart is in her hands right now, waiting to be cradled or crushed. I sit up, my stomach fluttering with worry as I realise she’s definitely not here, but then I spot her clothes in the corner of the room and hear the toilet flush in my bathroom.

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck,”

The bathroom door opens and Callie emerges, her hair perfectly brushed and hanging loosely down her back, her jeans so tight they’re hugging my favourite parts of her and all I can do is stare. Then the disappointment floods me when I realise she’s dressed and I wanted to fuck her again this morning before we have to leave for training, or cuddle the shit out of her, I don’t care which. All I know is I can’t get enough of this girl. “Oh, come on we didn’t need to be up yet,” I moan, scratching my head. “We could have cuddled for longer, or fucked again whichever you prefer.” She’s collecting her things from the ground, her dress from last night hanging over her arm as she anxiously stuffs everything into her bag. She sighs and I feel the weight of it from across the room. “Sean, I have to go.”

What? No, I don’t want her to go, not yet, I'm not ready to say goodbye to her.

I clamber out of bed, my feet slipping on the laminate floor as I reach for her. Her eyes are planted firmly on the ground and she refuses to look at me, her chocolate curls creating a curtain over her face.

“No, you’re not leaving now. I’m making you breakfast remember?” I sound like a whiny idiot, but I don’t want her to go and I know she’s pulling away from me again, her fear taking over what she knows is good for her. I can be good for her, for us.

My hands are gripping her biceps as she stares at the floor, shuffling her feet like she doesn’t know how to navigate this. I don’t know how to either, I’ve never done this shit before, never wanted a girl past one night and now here I am begging her to stay. I have a feeling she’s still going to leave anyway though.

“I just…I need to go home.” She mutters, but makes no move to slink away from me. My fingers trail up her arms to bracket her jaw between my hands. I pull her face up to look at me, forcing her eyes to meet mine and that’s when I see it there, sparkling behind the emerald of her irises. The fear, the uncertainty that I want to pull out of her but I don’t know how. I pull her bottom lip down with my thumb, admiring the way her breath stutters as I lean down to kiss her. Our lips are so soft as they move against each other, slow and steady.

“What’s going on?” I say as I break the kiss. “Why are you being cold with me?”

Her face crumples slightly under my scrutiny and I rub the lines away with my thumbs, still cupping her cheeks in my hands.

“We shouldn’t have had sex last night.” She whispers and my heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach. My hands fall from her face and I take a step back which makes her drop her eyes to the ground again. I scrub my hand down my face. “I tried to stop you Callie, three times I tried to stop you but you wanted me. I wasn’t going to keep fighting when I’ve wanted you so badly since the moment we met.”

She rakes her hand through her curls and lifts her eyes to mine again, letting them harden a little as she controls the wobbling of her bottom lip. I know she's trying not to let her emotions out, I wish she would though so I’d know how deep her feelings for me run. Are they just surface level? Did last night make her realise she actually doesn’t like me, she's just attracted to me physically? God, I want to know what’s running around inside her head right now.

“That’s the thing though isn’t it?” She blows out a breath, “You wanted me for sex since the moment we met. I didn’t even start to like you as a person until recently and I don’t do things this way around.” She hoists her bag up her shoulder and moves towards my bedroom door. “I do feelings first, then sex.”

She shoves her feet into her heels, not even bothering to strap them and I know she’s already mentally got one foot out of my door right now. I follow her movements though, planting myself in front of the bedroom door and grabbing her wrist.

“Are you seriously telling me you don’t have any feelings for me?” I say, my heart pleading me to stop torturing myself and just let her go. The quicker she goes, the quicker I can start to get over her. But I don’t want to get over her, I want to keep her.

She takes another jittery inhale. “I have to go.”

She snakes her body around mine as I scan the floor for a pair of joggers, sliding them on and stumbling out of my room and down the stairs after her. I catch her elbow as she reaches the front door and I see my three roommates in the living room, watching us out of the corner of my eye. Normally I’d tell them to fuck off and mind their own business but I'm too focused on the beautiful brunette that’s trying to run away from me. “Callie please don’t do this, there’s no reason for you to leave right now.” I beg, my eyes darting between her hand on the door knob and her feet, worried she’s going to just dart out the front door and I won’t be able to catch her.

She groans and presses her fingers into her temple like she has a headache. “I’m sorry Sean, but you and I both know this isn’t going to end well, we’re just playing with fire here and someone’s going to get burnt.” “That’s bullshit Callie!” I’m yelling now, not knowing how else to stop her from doing this, from ending whatever the fuck this is between us. “I want to change for you, I've told you that, I just need you to give me a chance.” Her eyes soften now and she rests her warm hand on my shoulder. “I don’t want you to change who you are for me Sean, that’s not fair on either of us.”

“This is who I am. That other guy who fucks around and doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself that’s not me, not really. I like who I am when I'm with you.”

I take a glance to my right, my friends’ eyes are all ricocheting off Callie and I, watching me pour my heart out to her. On a normal day I’d care, not wanting them to see me vulnerable like this but the only thing I care about now is the girl in front of me, what she thinks. Nobody else’s opinion matters right now.

“I like who you are when you’re with me too.” She drops her hand from my shoulder and lets it hang at her side. “But there’s still another side to you and you can’t just block it out, pretend it doesn’t exist. Fucking a constant conveyor belt of girls is what you do Sean, it’s what you’ve always done and there’s no reason for you to change now.”

“There is a reason…you.”

Her face drops and her lip trembles again, I just want to grab it to stop it from making my heart ache.

“I think we need to figure things out on our own.” She whispers, pulling her hair over one shoulder and looking at the front door again. I know she's going to bolt so I hold her jaw in my hands, pulling her face to mine. “No, no,” I murmur, planting my mouth on her’s, relishing in the way our lips fit together like a puzzle. Her hands find the nape of my neck, pulling me down to her and forcing the kiss to travel deeper. The feeling of her lips on mine is already imprinted into my fucking bones, I don’t think there’s any deeper it can go. I haul her to my chest with one arm wrapped around her tight waist, leaving another lingering kiss on her soft lips. She pulls away from me and I see a tear travelling down her cheek as she throws me one last broken look. She yanks at the front door and scurries down the path to where an Uber waits for her. She doesn’t look back as she practically throws herself into the back seat and the car takes off down the road, leaving me standing on the doorstep, topless and speechless. I pad back into the house, slamming the door behind me and drawing the attention back of the three nosey fuckers who are sitting on the couch. She’s actually gone, she said we should figure things out on our own, but I don’t want to do anything on my own, not now I've seen what it’s like to be with her. I don’t like the thought of being alone anymore, which is funny because that’s all I've ever wanted, to be alone and not have to consider anyone but myself. I grab the nearest thing to my hand which happens to be the ceramic bowl on the side table by the front door and throw it across the room, cursing loudly as it smashes into the marble counter and the pieces clatter to the floor. My head feels like it’s on fire, my chest tight and my heart constricting inside. I want to just rip it out and stamp it into the ground, stop it from ever feeling anything again. “You ok man?” Kyle says, getting up from the sofa and walking across the huge expanse of living room towards me. I don’t have anything to say to him, I have no words to give anyone right now. I don’t know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel but I can’t pretend to be ok when I'm not, I'm far from it.

I start to trudge up the stairs, my head spinning with questions, why did she leave like that? This can’t just be about not trusting me, not after last night. It was special, I know that’s corny but it's true. I’ve never felt that way after having sex with a girl and I know Callie felt something too, she can deny it all she wants but she’s not fooling me.

Nick clears his throat from where he’s sprawled out on the coach and I look up at him. “You fucked her last night didn’t you?”

I stop on the stairs, letting my chin fall to my chest. “Yeah, I did and now she wants nothing to do with me.”

“Oh how the tables have turned.” Nick chuckles and my hard eyes find his. “Shut your fucking mouth or I’ll come over there and crush your windpipe.” I growl, continuing up the stairs and away from his smug, fucking face. I love my guys, but sometimes Nick can be such a fucking unfeeling arsehole. The guy wouldn’t know love if it bit him in the balls. Love? The word sounds weird even in my head, but it kind of fits. I know it’s really fucking quick but I don’t do slow in any aspect of my life, not on the ice, not in the bedroom. I think I could love Callie… screw that, I could definitely love that girl. I just need to make her see, I can’t just let her walk away from me, from us.

Chapter 18

Callie

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