Page 22 of On Thin Ice

“Callie, door!” Anais’ high pitched yell breaks through the peaceful silence of the dorm room.

“Can you get it? I’m busy.” I groan, flopping over onto my back like a dead fish.

I’m not busy, not even a little bit. I'm lying on my bed doing nothing but staring into the open space above my head like I’ve done for the last two days.

“My nails are wet!” She yells again and I heave a sigh, swinging my half numb legs over the edge of the bed and plodding out of my bedroom and down the hall.

I look like a jumble sale threw up on me, Sean’s huge sweatpants hanging off my hips purely because I feel like I can’t breathe unless I have his scent rammed up my nose at all times. I miss that annoying man who closely resembles sex on legs, I miss him so much but I just can’t drag myself out of this pit of despair that I voluntarily launched myself into. I want to have him, he said I could have him, all of him but I just don’t think life is that simple. He sees things so black and white but he’s never been in a relationship before, which in turn means he’s never been hurt by one. He doesn’t fully understand my worries, the trauma response to having your heartbroken before but he’s being so incredibly patient with me it’s making the ache in my heart seep even deeper. It’s only been two days and he’s shown up at my door each one of those days, begging Molly or Anais to persuade me to talk to him. He should know by now that I'm not easily swayed by people, apart from him of course. Sean could ask me to launch myself off a ten story building with him and I’d likely consider it. He’s brought me roses everyday too and my favourite strawberries, the ones that won him his first kiss with me. Not that I had much of a choice, he shoved that strawberry out of his way and pounced on me. That kiss quite literally changed everything, for both of us.

As I pass Anais’ open bedroom door I point a finger at her. “You’re lucky you’re one of the only people on this earth that I actually like.” She blows me a kiss, blowing a strand of auburn hair out of her face, her nails bright pink and shining wet.

I yank open the door, expecting it to be Molly having forgotten her key like she does at least once per week, but to my utter horror it’s not Molly. It’s heaven and hell combined.

“Heeey!” My mum throws her arms out wide, shimmying her chest and causing her collection of necklaces to clatter together. I don’t need a mirror to tell you what my face looks like right now, my eyes are popping out of my skull and they immediately zoom into my dad’s face as he stands, hands in his pockets and face coated in indifference, behind my mum. I smooth my tangled mess of curls, not that it will make much of a difference to the absolute mess I am right now.

“Oh, honey you look like shit, come here.” She wraps me in a tight hug, sniffing my hair and holding it out like it's a dead animal. It probably looks like one sleeping on top of my head. “What the hell’s going on?” I shuffle my feet and pull Sean’s sweats up my hips. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Mum blows past me like a gust of wind and heads straight for the kitchen, a bag of goodies hanging from her thin arm. I don’t want to look at her too hard, don’t want to notice the small changes in her already frail body since I last saw her over a month ago. Her hair is still shaved, the dark shadow across her skull where her curls, identical to mine used to flow from. The cancer took all of that away from her, the hair, the muscle and fat on her bones. But it couldn’t take her light, the sunshine that radiates brightly from her smile and her piercing green eyes.

My dad saunters into my dorm, hands in his pockets like he has not a care in the world. He’s not fooling me though, I know he’s stressed to fuck about my mum. He likes to hide behind a hard front, pretend like nothing bothers him and he’s not emotionally affected by things, but I know him better than that. I guess I inherited that trait from him, if not any of my physical looks.

“Thanks for the heads up,” I hiss at him, keeping my mum out of earshot. “You could have warned me you two were dropping by.”

“I’ve been calling you for two days and you don’t answer your phone!” He hisses back, both of us keeping our voices hushed but laced with equal annoyance at each other. Dad and I aren’t exactly close, but I respect the hell out of him and aim to please him as much as I can.

I sigh. “Sorry, I’ve been a bit distracted.”

“I brought ingredients for spaghetti bolognaise, your favourite Cal!” Mum sings from the kitchen counter as she unloads a bag full of food. My dad falls back into the living room chair and turns on the TV, making himself at home in a place he rarely visits, even though he works at this university. Seeing his only daughter has never been a priority of his, he’d much rather be on the ice all day with his adopted hockey sons.

“I hope you're cooking, because I'm certainly not.” I say over my mum’s shoulder, peering into the never ending bag of food she’s emptying onto my marble counter. She nods quickly, her excitement flowing from her and momentarily making me feel a wash of calm for the first time in two days. The woman loves to cook, experimenting with food and creating so many scary combinations throughout my childhood. It was her thing, combining random ingredients and hoping they would taste good. News flash, they rarely did, but I always loved her enthusiasm all the same.

“Just heading out Cal!” Anais says, stuffing shit into her handbag, before looking up and seeing I have unexpected company. “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise anyone was here.”

“Wanna stay for dinner honey?” My mum says, her eyebrows lifting on her forehead.

Anais smiles gingerly. “No, thanks though, just meeting a friend.” My mum waves her out the door and I throw her a ‘please help me’ look, which only makes her laugh as she lets the front door fall closed behind her. I love my parents make no mistake, but spending an awkward dinner with the two of them when I look like a bag of shit isn’t something I'm in the mood for. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone or really do anything besides going to the gym and coming home since I last saw Sean. And I don’t plan on changing that, not yet anyway.

We eat dinner in near silence, my dad and I do anyway, my mum yaps about nonsense the entire time. I clear my plate, having not had much of an appetite in the last couple of days and enjoying some normal food that didn’t come from a takeout box.

My dad clears his throat and shoves his barstool back against the lino floor. “I better head off in a minute, I have to be at the rink in twenty and I can’t be late today. My boys have been slacking lately and they need all the extra ice time they can get, especially Taylor,” my throat closes on the mention of his name, my heart thumping hard as my eyes spring up to my dad’s face. “He’s been grinding my gears for the last few days, I don’t know what’s gotten into that boy.” He points at my mum as he shrugs his jacket over his arms. “You, don’t be late to the rink or I'll leave without you.” He plants a firm kiss on her temple and gives my shoulder a squeeze as he passes me, disappearing through the front door.

My mum’s hands land on the island with purpose. “Right, movie time baby.”

I roll my eyes when she can’t see and collect up our plates as she dives onto the sofa like an excitable child, scrolling through Netflix to find the cheesiest movie possible I assume. I don’t know if I can stomach watching any kind of romance, but I can’t break her heart either so I guess I’ll suck it up for tonight.

‘She’s The Man’ is the movie my mum picks, one of our all time favourites when we need a laugh and that’s the kind of medicine I'm looking for, but I just can’t find it, the usual humour inside me. And when a scene that normally has the two of us rolling around the sofa clutching our stomachs doesn’t so much as pull a chuckle from me, my mum pauses the movie and turns her body towards mine. Her bright eyes are swimming with confusion and suspicion.

“What’s going on with you honey? You’ve got bags the size of big ben hanging under your eyes, your hair is ratty as hell and what’s with the extra large, man sized sweatpants?”

I huff and shakes my curls out. “Just struggling a bit recently,” She tucks a loose curl behind my ear. “Tell Mummy all about it.” “Please don’t call yourself that.” I scrunch my nose and she laughs heartily before taking my hand.

“No but seriously honey, you’ve always talked to me about everything, so come on, spill.”

Oh god, I feel the water works bursting behind my eyes.

“Honestly?” I squeak. She nods and the first tear falls down my cheek. “I feel like my heart is breaking.”

Mum pulls me into her, cradling me close to her chest like I'm still a small child. “Who broke it?” She whispers into my dark tresses, brushing them back over my shoulder as I cling to her small body. I always worry that if I squeeze her too hard she’ll shatter like glass.

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