Page 47 of On Thin Ice

Callie nods and I move towards her, ensnaring her in a hug from behind and tipping my face down to leave a rough kiss on the back of her neck. I watch the goosebumps rise where I made contact with her skin and my heart skips at the memory of her words only a moment ago. She sinks her fingers into my biceps as they curl around her shoulders, holding me tightly to her and all I want to do is whisper, “Do you know how much I love you?” into her ear.

But instead I opt for, “Another coffee anyone?”

Callie

“Were you busy yesterday or did you just decide to ignore my text messages about needing an urgent meeting with you?” Ellen folds her arms passive aggressively and lifts her eyebrows high on her forehead. I breathe a heavy sigh and turn away from her. “Both…”

“Callie, I don’t find you funny,” she huffs with exasperation. I don’t know what she has to be exasperated about though, I'm the one treading water with these shitty routines, battling at each competition and barely keeping it together. I’ve managed to nab a few decent scores this season but I'm usually the highest scorer on the team, that’s why I was made captain in the first place.

I pad across the floor, Ellen’s annoyingly uniform footsteps following me to the beam where I mount and sit, legs hanging astride it.

“Are you going to let me talk now or just walk off in a sulk?” Ellen sighs, eyebrows still lost in her hairline.

“I’m not in a sulk, I just want to practice.” I say, chalking my hands and getting ready to swing my legs behind me and start the routine from hell. Ellen clears her throat and I let my legs hang loose again, sighing loudly. “Yeah?”

“I don’t care for your tone Callie, this is important.” She waits for me to object but I’d rather get her rambling over with so I can ignore her for the rest of the day. “I’m changing your routines.”

My breath catches in my throat and I croak, “You’re what?”

Ellen nods with a hint of fake empathy for a second before hardening her features again. “The routines I gave you just aren’t bringing in the scores I expect from you so I've decided to change them all.”

“I…I can’t…” I try to speak but my throat is tightening by the second, stopping the oxygen from seeping into my lungs and the sensation is causing the panic to build even more. She can’t do this, she can’t change my routines just when I'm getting to grips with them. I’ve only just managed to crack them enough so I can compete and get decent points for the team and now she’s going to change them? Half way through the season? I swear this woman hates my guts.

I try to suck in a breath but my lungs fight against me, trying to suffocate me silently. Anais’ hand lands on my shoulder and the sound around me turns muffled. Anais is shaking me, yelling something I can’t hear properly. All I can think about is breathing, which I can’t fucking do. I grab at my throat, clawing and trying to rip a hole in it so I can get even a tiny sliver of air into my now shrivelled up lungs.

“She’s having a panic attack, I used to have them as a kid.” I hear Lois fire out, the girls are around me, shaking me, their voices breathy with stress as they chant over and over again, telling me to breathe. I wish I could scream at them that I'm trying, I just can’t open my throat enough to get any air in and my heart is pumping faster than ever, using up any oxygen I do have.

Anais’ face is in front of mine, her eyes flickering with fear. “Get Sean!” She yells, gesturing for Lois to run and fetch the only person I can bear to think about right now.

Breathe Callie, breathe.

I try to talk myself out of this but it’s not that easy apparently, I need something…someone.

“My brother Sean?” Lois’ muffled voice asks, confusion clouding her tone. And why wouldn’t she be confused, she has no idea that Sean is my boyfriend and that we’ve been seeing each other for months now. Jesus, my head is throbbing.

Anais sighs roughly. “Yes, just go and get him now!”

She’s running out of patience just as quickly as I'm running out of air. I don’t know how I haven’t passed out yet, having felt like I can’t take a proper breath for the last few minutes I was sure I’d be dead by now. I suck in a couple of sharp gulps but they do nothing to dull the aching tension in my chest as my own body suffocates me in panic. I close my eyes, imagining Sean’s voice in my head telling me to relax and breathe… then, I really hear him. His voice is strained, panicked as he hauls my leg over the beam and stands in-between my open thighs.

His hands are on my face, his voice muffled but steady as he begs, “Callie, look at me!”

I peel my eyes open, sure that I'm imagining him being here or maybe I have finally died and gone to a Sean filled heaven with ice cream and endless sex. But his chocolate eyes find me and I realise I'm not dead, he’s really here, holding my face in his warm hands and breathing his peppermint breath onto my lips.

“Hey, I'm here, it’s ok.” He murmurs as I continue to fight with the air around me, dragging it into my throat and trying to swallow it down. I shake my head, twisting my fingers into the curls at the nape of Sean's neck, feeling like I might float away at any moment.

Sean’s damp forehead lands on mine softly and I force myself to hold his gaze. “Deep breaths baby, deep breaths.” I try, pulling the air in and holding it there for a moment. “That’s it,” Sean says softly, “and again, in…and out.” I do as he says, clawing the oxygen in and forcing it to stay, waiting inside my lungs before blowing it back out. “Good girl, that’s it,” I can feel my heartbeat slowing, my throat loosening and the sound around me coming back, the cotton wool in my ears dissolving and making the gym sound extra loud, even though everyone in it is dead silent apart from Sean, who is still coaxing me through deep breathing.

“Callie, I'm sorry, I didn’t mean—” Ellen starts but Sean silences her with a threatening, protective glare.

“No,” he hisses, “don’t fucking talk to her.” His eyes are red with rage and his hand tightens around my back as he moulds me to his chest. “This is your fault.”

“Sean,” I squeak, pulling his face back to mine with my still shaky hand. He leans his forehead on mine again and whispers, “It’s ok baby, I'm here.” I wrap my dangling legs around his middle, burying my face in his neck and letting him lift me up to his waist. “I can’t do it Sean…I just…I can’t.” “I know,” he says, his voice smooth and comforting like my morning coffee. “Don’t worry, we’re going home.”

I snap my head up from his shoulder. “I can’t go home I have to—” his finger lands on my rattling mouth, silencing me and forcing me to swallow the words I was about to say.

“We’re going home Callie, this isn’t good for you. Either you walk or I’ll carry you…your choice.”

He’s not fucking around, I can tell by the way his face flattens, expressionless and authoritative.

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