Page 59 of On Thin Ice

“Let me in Lo,” I half plead, half demand and she immediately nods, opening the door wider and dragging me inside by the pocket of my grey hoodie.

It takes me only half a second to scan the room and find Callie curled up in a ball in the centre of the bed, just like Lois said. She looks like a small child, holding herself together like her limbs might fall off if she lets go of her vice like grip around her knees.

“Baby,” I murmur and Callie sits up fast, twisting her body around and crawling across the bed towards me.

Her eyes are the first thing I notice as she scrambles closer, climbing me like a tree and wrapping her legs so tight around my middle I can barely suck in a breath. Her face is sunken, her eyes a deep purple underneath from the onslaught of tears and I feel my heart breaking as I hold her, hearing her sob uncontrollably into my shoulder. My solid arms encircle her like armour, fighting to protect her from any pain she’s feeling. Unfortunately that pain isn’t caused by something physical, something I can fight off and protect her from, it’s emotional, it’s in her heart and all I can do is hold her. Knowing I can’t take away this pain for her is the most difficult part, every one of my instincts is screaming at me to do something, stop this feeling for her and take it for myself, but I can’t. I sigh into her neck, breathing in her warmth and her flowery scent, the thick sadness hanging over us.

“Baby, I'm so, so, sorry.” I whisper, so only she can hear.

She gives me a tighter squeeze, her arms clasped around my neck and her face nuzzling deeper into my shoulder as her gut wrenching sobs continue. I must hold Callie like that for at least half an hour before carrying her over to the bed and laying down behind her, stroking her hair in a robotic motion as I try to collect my scattered thoughts. Her sniffles quiet down after a while and I pepper light, barely there kisses on the back of her neck and shoulder, wrapping my body around her’s as her breathing deepens and slows. When I know she’s deep in sleep I get up, Lois still hovering on the chair in the corner of the room, pretending to be engrossed in her phone when I know she’s really been watching me in awe since I got here. Lois sighs. “She’s broken isn’t she?” She whispers, tilting her head towards my sleeping girl.

“Yeah, she is. But I’ll fix her, don’t worry.” I murmur, heading for the door, desperate for a breath of cold air in my lungs.

“Hey Sean, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I whisper, conscious of waking Callie if we talk too loudly. Lois swallows, like she’s nervous. “Are you serious about her?” I nod immediately. “Yeah, I am—”

“Because if you’re just fucking around,” she interrupts me, pointing a warning finger in my direction.

“I’m in love with her Lo…” I look back at Callie, curled up like a sleeping kitten. “Like I'm really fucking in love with her.”

“Well, good. Because she may act like an angry cat most of the time but inside she’s very squishy and vulnerable.” Lois still has a warning glare plastered on her face which only makes me chuckle, these two tiny women love to give me shit and act like they could pin me to the ground when we all know I could pick them both up with one pinky finger.

“I know Lo, I’ve seen every side of her and that’s why I can’t leave the girl alone, I'm obsessed.”

“Have you told her that you love her?”

I shake my head, eyes falling to the ground with embarrassment. “No, not yet. I wanted to wait until she was ready, I'm still not sure she’s there yet.” Lois snorts a quiet laugh behind her hand. “You stupid fucker,” she laughs again. I would consider smacking her if she wasn’t a girl. “She’s obviously in love with you too.”

Lois isn’t the first person to say how obvious mine and Callie’s feelings are for each other, maybe we’re both being stupid, like we’re scared of three little words. Well, I'm not scared of them, I'm fucking dying to say them to her, say them with my whole chest and mean every single syllable. But I know Callie was reluctant to give me a chance when we met and I’ve spent our whole time together doing all I can to prove that I can be good for her, to prove that I can commit to one woman, if that woman is Callie. Lois sighs and stands up, planting a hand on my shoulder. “Sean, you’re the only person she wanted today, she didn’t want me or Molly or her dad…only you.” Lois smiles tenderly and my heart pounds with excitement. “Trust me, she’s in love with you.”

Well shit, my little sister is smarter than I thought. Maybe Callie and I are both holding back for no reason, why can’t we both be honest about our feelings for each other? I know it's fear on her part, fear of rejection and eventual abandonment. But for me it’s been about patience, or so I thought. I thought I was waiting for Callie to be ready but maybe that’s been my mistake all along, maybe she’s needed the reassurance of me telling her I love her first, for her to feel confident enough to say it back. I’m going to tell her, not right now when she’s grieving but when she’s feeling more like herself again, I'm just going to say it. I’m going to tell her how every time I look at her my heart flutters, every time she laughs or smiles my chest feels tight and how I love her with my entire being. I’ll tell her how I’ve never loved anyone before and I will never love anyone else the way I love her.

Chapter 47

Callie

I’m pretty sure my heart is no longer in my body, I don’t know who has it but it’s certainly not me. I hope to god it’s Sean because at this point I'm almost certain he’s the only one who can take care of it and stop it from shattering into a thousand pieces. Maybe it’s already shattered, I don’t fucking know, I don’t know anything right now other than the intense, aching pain I feel in the centre of my now empty chest and the desperation I feel to be attached to Sean at all times. It’s the only thing keeping me in one whole piece, having him hold me is the only thing that is stopping me from totally falling apart and considering things I’ve never dreamt of doing before, none of them good.

When I peel open my dry eyes, squinting under the much too bright light of the hotel room, the first thing I notice is the piercing coffee aroma that’s invading my nostrils. Usually I’d be straight out of bed and hunting for the source of the mouth watering smell, but today all I can feel is the cold spot behind me where Sean was. I flip myself over, scanning my aching eyes across the small hotel room and thankfully I spot him quickly before the panic sets in. He’s sitting in the chair that Lois made her home in last night, his caramel eyes full of worry as he rubs the back of his neck, muttering quietly as he talks on the phone. I clear my throat and his eyes spring up to meet mine, softening with empathy as he takes in my dishevelled look, my face twisted into a painful frown.

“I gotta go, I’ll call you back when I’ve spoken to her.” He mutters and places the phone — which I now see is mine — onto the desk he’s sitting next to, rising to his feet and coming to land next to me on the bed. His arms haul me against his chest, cradling me in his lap like a baby and I push my nose into his hard chest, inhaling his comforting woodsy smell mixed in with the coffee that floats around the room.

I swallow down the tears that are teetering on the edge of my eyes. “Did I dream it? Or did it really happen?” I stutter, one single tear escaping down my cheek and landing on Sean’s forearm.

He squeezes me tighter into him. “I’m sorry baby,” he sighs, dipping his forehead to lean against my damp cheek as I sniff back the remaining tears. I’m not going to spend all day crying today, I refuse to crumble into a total mess when I know my mum would have hated to see me this way. The irony is that I’ve known this day was coming for a while, I thought I’d managed to get my head around it to some degree, but the way the news hit me yesterday was like a fucking bulldozer falling from the sky. Luckily Sean was able to catch it before it landed directly on top of me, crushing me under it’s weight and taking me away from him forever.

Sean sits me up, my legs straddling his waist as he tucks a lock of hair behind my ear tenderly. “Do you want to go home today? I can take you.” He murmurs, thumb running across my cheekbones where the trail of my previous tears still sit. I shake my head and he lets out a breathy sigh. “I won’t push you Cal, but I really think you should see your dad.” I know he’s right, the man is always right and he is one of the most level headed people I’ve ever met, but I don’t know if my heart can take the pain of seeing my dad today. I know it’s the right thing to do, we need to be a support for each other in times like these but to be brutally honest I don’t think I have anything left to give my dad. It’s not secret that the two of us have never been close and just because we mended some bridges at Christmas doesn’t mean we're suddenly going to be hugging and crying all over each other. The only person I want to comfort me is Sean, he’s the only one who can do it properly, the only one who actually makes me feel better when I'm in his arms. But this isn’t just about me and I know that, my dad must be broken too, just as much as I am. I feel a responsibility to be there for him, unlike me he has nobody else to comfort him or be with him whilst he grieves.

I sit up straighter, Sean’s hands running up my bare back under his t-shirt that’s draped over me. “Ok, I’ll go, but I don’t want to stay overnight. I want to go back to Redwood tonight, to see Molly and sleep in my own bed.”

Sean nods. “Whatever you want to do baby, that’s what we’ll do. I totally get it if you want to stay at the dorm tonight with Molly, I can drop you off after you’ve seen your dad.”

I lift my head fast from where it had dropped into Sean’s neck. “You… you’re not going to stay at the dorm with me tonight?”

I need him to stay with me, I can’t sleep alone.

“Oh, I thought you meant you wanted to just stay with Mol tonight,” a small smile lifts his lips, “of course I'll stay with you, you know I never want to be away from you, especially when you’re delicate.” “Hmm,” I hum, burying my face into Sean’s neck again and letting him smother me as he huge arms wrap around my waist.

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