Page 60 of On Thin Ice

The drive to see my dad is painfully long, mostly because I just stare out of the window the entire way there, Sean’s hand running up and down my thigh as he drives in silence beside me. I know he’s giving me the quiet space I so desperately need to process everything that’s happened, I appreciate it but I kind of wish he’d say something. I wish he’d rattle on about hockey or his family or something that would keep my brain busy and focused on something, anything other than the same sentence that keeps spinning around inside it. I’m never going to see my mum again. “Cal,” Sean shakes my shoulder gently and my eyes flutter open, I don’t even remember falling asleep. “We’re here baby.”

Shit, shit, shit, I don’t want to be here.

I stretch my arms above my head, my spine cracking after sitting in the same twisted position for hours. Sean’s hand finds my chin, raising it and forcing my tired, sunken eyes to look at him.

“Want me to stay here so you can—?”

“No,” I cut him off, not needing to hear the rest of his sentence to decide that I most definitely can’t go in there without him. “I can’t go alone.” We walk up the cobbled path together, Sean’s large hand enclosing mine in it’s warmth before his other fist lands with a soft thump against the front door. I feel like I'm holding my breath when the door finally creaks open, my dad’s sullen face appearing behind it. He gestures for us to enter, not saying a word and closing the door with a click behind us. My hand tightens around Sean’s, our fingers interlocked in a unbreakable hold as I watch my dad shuffle uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. I get it, I don’t know what to say either, so instead I peel my hand out of Sean’s and take a few steps across the hallway to my dad. I hook my arms around his neck and hug him tighter than I ever have before. To my surprise I feel his arms around my middle without hesitation, holding me close to him. A spluttered sob cracks through his throat and my own dam bursts before I can stop it, now here we are doing exactly what I said we never would, holding each other and crying. The shared grief is like a magnet between us that never existed before, something drawing us to each other, the way we empathise with how the other one is so utterly broken as ourselves. We hold each other for a long minute before breaking apart, the second we let go of each other I immediately gravitate back to Sean, nuzzling into his side and dipping my hand under the back of his t-shirt, planting it firmly against his warm skin as he drops a kiss to the crown of my head. “Do you guys want to stay for dinner? I can order a takeout?” Dad sniffs, wiping his wet eyes roughly with the back of his hand.

I nod, looking up to Sean who is smiling tenderly down at me. “Yeah, sure Dad,”

My dad nods, a warm smile tipping his lips although he keeps his eyes on the ground. “Great, let’s sit.”

I look to Sean for reassurance again and as usual he’s already looking down at me, his chocolate gaze fixed on me like I'm the only thing he sees. “You’re everything to me,” he whispers, eyes locked onto mine as I stand there speechless for a moment, my heart faltering under his intense stare. Sean’s face splits into a bright grin and his hand lands on my lower back, steering me after my dad towards the living room. My heart flutters when I replay his words in my head and I want to shout how much I love him from the rooftops, but I guess today isn’t the day for that when the crack that split my heart yesterday is far from healed. The first thing that hits me as Sean and I land on the sofa is the strong smell of my mum in here, maybe this is where she was the other day when my dad called and I could hear her scolding him in the background. I feel the tears pricking my eyes again but I force them back down, drowning them and forcing a sad smile onto my face as my dad makes eye contact with me for the first time since we got here.

“Is there anything you need me to help with, like with the…the funeral?” I croak, swiping at the moisture pooling in my eyelids.

Fuck, how I am supposed to go to the funeral?

Sean, reading my mind as usual, gives my thigh a reassuring squeeze. “I can deal with that stuff, you both need to take some time to be with your feelings, let me handle the admin.”

I take his hand in mine and let my body fall to the side, cuddling into him when his arm comes around me as my dad watches with a smile. “Keep a tight hold of that,” he gestures to the two of us, “both of you. I hope you both know how lucky you are to have found each other, don’t take it for granted.” He sighs, the sullen look weakening his usually hard exterior as he reaches for the remote, turning on the TV and filling the heavy silence.

Chapter 48

Sean

We don’t arrive at Callie’s dorm until almost 11pm, the silent walk down the hallway is making me itch with the urge to say something, but I don’t know what to say or if I should even be speaking right now. These past two days have likely been the hardest of Callie’s life and I'm not sure whether I should be keeping quiet, giving her the space to be inside her own head or trying to drag her back to earth with me by keeping her mind distracted. I take hold of her hand as she twists her key in the lock and she flashes me a quick, forced smile. As the door creaks open Molly jumps up from the sofa immediately, her eyes wide with worry for her best friend as the blankets she was wearing tumble to the ground.

Molly takes two long strides across the room to Callie. “Oh Cal,” she tips her head in sympathy and Callie blubbers, spluttering and trying to hold back the assault of more tears, but she can’t hold them in and she bursts. Molly hauls her into a hug, rubbing her back and squeezing her tight as she cries.

“I’m so sorry Cal, I'm so sorry.” She murmurs, holding my girl tightly as she fights to control her tears. I want to reach over there, take her back and be the one to hold her when she cries but I know she needs this moment with her best friend, the one who was here long before me. When they eventually pull away, Molly rubs her thumbs under Callie’s eyes, mopping up the moisture and cradling her face between her manicured hands. “I love you, anything you need you let me know ok?” Molly says softly and Callie nods in response, swiping the back of her hand across her tear streaked face.

Callie sniffs. “Thanks Mol, I love you too.” She whispers dryly, her throat tight and hoarse. “I’m going to my room.”

I nod when she twists her face to look at me, trying to force a smile of my own for her sake before she picks up her bag and trundles off down the hallway, her shoulders low.

I sink down onto a barstool and let my head fall into my hands. “Jesus Christ,” I huff, a deep sigh leaving my lips. “What a weekend this has been,”

Molly slides a cup of hot coffee across the island to me and I return her empathetic smile.

“I know this is a stupid question but,” Molly pauses, pushing her blonde waves back from her face. “How’s she been?”

“Not great, as you can imagine, but she’s tough.” I sigh, sipping at the liquid gold and revealing in the warmth trailing down my dry throat. “I can’t believe you drove four hours to be with her when she needed you,” Molly says and I look up at her again, her eyes are bright with gratitude this time. “I mean, I know you’re like boyfriend of the year or whatever but…” she glances over her shoulder, making sure Callie can’t overhear what she’s about to say. “I think even Callie was surprised you came running the second she called for you.”

I let out a quiet, disbelieving laugh. “I would have walked there if she needed me Mol,”

Molly nods, face crumpling with deepening thought as she stirs another cup of coffee that I assume is for Callie. “I’ll make your guys some food in a minute, I'm sure you’re hungry.”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to do that. We actually ate with her dad a couple of hours ago but maybe she’d like some ice cream if you have any.” Molly immediately dips down below the island so she’s out of sight, rummaging in the freezer before holding up Callie’s favourite ice cream flavour — cookie dough — with a triumphant grin. She slides it across the island too, two spoons following it’s path to me and I quickly pocket them. “You staying with her tonight?” Molly says, handing me the piping hot mug of coffee to take to my girl.

I nod. “That’s ok right?”

Molly smiles brightly at me, nodding too. “Of course it is, like I said, you’re who she needs right now.”

Fuck yes I am, I fucking love that.

When I walk into Callie’s bedroom, coffee in one hand and ice cream in the other, the spoons clattering around in my pocket, I see my baby curled up on the bed. Her hair is sprawled out over the pillow behind her, emerald irises hiding behind her closed lids as her chest rises and falls at a steady pace. It’s moments like this when I just look at her and think, how the hell did I get so lucky? From almost the first second I spotted her in that penalty box it’s like I knew something was different, it was a different kind of attraction, like a magnetic force pulling me to her. Then when she rejected me I was even more hooked on her, desperate to change my fuck boy ways and prove to her that I can be everything she needs. I just want to put her in my pocket and keep her safe, I want to do everything life has to offer with her, experience every new thing with her.

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