Page 143 of Of Realms and Chaos

She sent the fetch? She called me annoying, but—as per usual—I seemed to be the only one willing to answer questions around here.

“Do you know what awaits you here, Asher? Death. That’s what you’ll face if you don’t come with me. Not just your death, but all of theirs, too.” Her arms lifted, gesturing to the sea of bodies around us. When she pointed towards Bellamy, I had to do my best not to flinch. If she noticed him moving, what would she do? Would she kill him? By sheer luck, she did not let her eyes stray from mine, instead staring at me with determination. Just then, I felt the ground beneath my feet harden, a ripple of Earth power that seemed to lift every sleeping soldier out of the mud as it changed the dirt to stone. A quick glance away from the battlefield showed me that a mere foot to my right, the ground remained a mess of mud and blood. “That sexy little prince you love so much? He will die if you don’t shut up, take my fucking hand, and come with me now.”

“I am not going with you, and none of them will die because I will not allow it. For once, I am not afraid of my magic. It will save them. I will save them.” While I felt the truth of what she said in my bones, I also knew that I could change it. No future was set in stone. There was always a chance to make a new one.

Did it make sense to her, that desperate need to alter the ending that had been written? Did she think me insane? Did I care if she did?

Was she glowing?

“Come with me now, or face the consequences. I won’t offer a second time.”

“No,” I said, squaring my shoulders and lifting my chin. I felt her rage then, the taste of it sweet and foreign.

“Oh, if I could rip out your throat, I would. I hope you know that my death will stain your hands red, you little pest. When you visit my grave, because I’m sure he will gladly utilize my loss as some sort of manipulation tactic, I hope you remember this moment.”

With that, she spun on her heel and walked towards the cloud of sparkling pink mist, stopping inches shy of it.

“On second thought, let me leave you with a parting gift.” Over her shoulder, she looked towards Bellamy and Wrath, the white of her eyes slowly growing and every speck of pink bleeding from her irises. Her body glowed the same dusty rose color of her hair, and then she looked to me.

I felt it then, like a hammer slamming into my mind, shaking free every thought of inadequacy and each desperate need to be more than I was. I gasped, reaching for my chest.

“What do you get when you put together a female yearning for redemption and a male craving love?” The question was worded with a facetious tone, as if the entirety of our lives was a joke to her. Or perhaps she had seen something similar before and knew it would never end well. “The perfect storm.”

As if on cue, thunder boomed above, rattling my jaw and making me flinch. She disappeared, the pink dissipating behind her. Bellamy’s arms wrapped around me moments later, his hold on me so tight that it hurt. He clawed at my body, his mud-and-blood-soaked hands searching for injuries he would not find.

And though her magic had seemed to slowly fade from my body, it still left behind every thought and feeling that I had about my own inability to be what everyone needed. It hollowed me of all my joy and triumph and even anger, leaving me with nothing more than the need to do better.

“Are you okay? Who was that? Did she hurt you?” Each word sounded as if it were an effort to say, like he was speaking with limited air.

I shook my head, his hands finally settling on my face as he leaned down to look me directly in the eyes. Blood still dripped from a startling gash just above his eyebrow, though it seemed to be slowing as it fought to heal.

Wrath’s body wove between our legs, trying to catch my undivided attention. Allowing my eyes to drift down despite my mind’s inability to focus on anything but what needed to be done, I noticed the blood that coated Wrath’s fur. The silky gray strands were now almost black, his sharp teeth tucked away within his mouth. Those yellow eyes bore into me—seeing what, I did not know.

All I knew was that I had failed. Spectacularly. Whatever that female and her master wanted with me, it was nothing compared to the epic ways in which we would all die if I did not fix this.

“Strange One, you do not look right. Are you sure you are okay?”

“We need to get everyone awake and start portaling back. Ranbir will be able to check you out. Once we are in Eoforhild, we can figure everything out.” I pushed away from them, ignoring Bellamy’s planning and stepping into the mud as I clawed at my head—willing the thoughts to leave my mind while simultaneously succumbing to them.

Bellamy’s and Wrath’s words became muffled, falling behind the voice within my mind that scolded me for being so selfish, that wondered why I did not do more when seeking help from Xalie or even try to convince Yrassa. Had I truly allowed myself to give up? How could I live with myself if I let that continue on?

“I need to go to Yrassa.” Whatever hostile argument the two had been having was abruptly ended in favor of staring at me in disbelief. And why not? I had just promised them that I would stop trying, that I was done. While I knew that the female’s magic had begun to gorge on my psyche, depleting me of any and all egocentric thoughts, I still could not stop the way it made me feel.

“What do you mean? Ash, we need to get to Dunamis. This has gone on for too long. You need to speak to Adbeel, and we need to prepare. I need for us—”

Like a bow pulled taut and held there for far too long, I snapped, the harsh arrow that was my words hitting home in Bellamy’s chest.

“We have no time to waste prancing around Eoforhild and speaking to your king. Lives are at stake. The world is at stake! For one moment, can you please care about anything other than these stupid fantasies of us living under a rainbow and picking strawberries and having a happily ever after? That is not going to happen, especially if we do not stop this war!” I yelled, voice hoarse from the hysterical way I shoved the thoughts to the surface.

My hands flew outwards gesturing to the destruction and the death that surrounded us. A very clear show of how bad this could—and would—become. For his part, he just watched me with barely parted lips and unnaturally wide eyes.

“I was not meant to live in joy, how can you not see that? Everything I touch withers and dies—I kill it, Bellamy. I kill it! I cannot show you love through small kisses and pretty flowers and pregnant bellies. I was not made to be that way. But I can fight for you and I can die for you. How can you be so selfish as to not let me do so? To do everything I can to repent? To save the lives of those I have wronged? The world does not revolve around us and our self-centered desires! The world was not made for dreamers!”

Stunned, he momentarily stared at me, the great smack of my vitriol hitting him in the chest and leaving him gasping for air. But then…well, it seemed the female’s magic had fed the very opposite trait of Bellamy’s than it had mine. But it left him just as uncontrollably frantic.

“You want to call me selfish? Fine!” It was his turn to yell, that beautiful and raspy voice somehow sharp now, when it was so often a lulling and heavy tune. “I am selfish. I never pretended to be anything else with you, Asher. From the moment I saw your face in Reader River, I knew I would do anything, be anything, for you. You say you would die for me. That is the easy part. I would kill for you. I would burn the world to dust for you. I would defy the gods for you. I would become the villain, gladly! Do you think that I do not see how we differ in that? That I do not realize you would choose the world over me? That you would sacrifice everything for the good of the world, including us?”

Fingers threaded through his hair, tugging as he tried to speak his thoughts. Small black flames erupted near his feet, the magic in his veins writhing beneath the skin of his neck. A hiss sounded from Wrath, the dalistori looking around us with paranoia and trepidation upon his face. Bellamy’s voice caressed my heart once more, the action soothing until it was not.

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