Page 57 of Of Realms and Chaos

I was coming for any who stood in my way, and no amount of preparation would save them now.

Chapter Nineteen

Asher

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bellamy’s question came after nearly an hour of allowing me space to process. He had filled yet another bath, adding lavender and vanilla after heating it up then carefully placed me into it. I sighed, knowing that he would soon ask questions I was not sure I could answer.

“No.” Not if I could help it. His jaw tensed, the muscles there twitching as his anger momentarily snuck through that fiery shield of his. I would have laughed if it was not so ridiculous.

“We need to discuss this, Asher. You cannot simply pretend you are okay.” His words left me bristling, any attempt at composure failing before it could be executed. How could I explain that I would drown if I wallowed in the sorrow? In the pain? I no longer had the capacity to float within my emotions. It was swim or die.

Briefly, my mind flashed back to the moment he had found me in his piano room, the sound of him hitting the floor jarring me awake. I had been so upset with him for finding me because I knew then what I still know now—the world was better off without me in it. But if I were going to stay, then I needed to move forward rather than remain stagnant.

“Why ask a question if you are only willing to accept one answer?” From his spot on the floor beside the porcelain tub, Bellamy fumbled on his words.

I knew he meant well, he always did. Whatever Pino showed Bellamy had been promising because he seemed to think I was his future.

One thing Nicola had always told me was that the future was forever changing—there was no assurance in the visions of a Tomorrow. Even those of the Yesterdays were unreliable, as they were through the eyes of whoever’s past it was—whoever the Reader touched. Pino had been different, of course, his ability to see both past and present something my mind could not even comprehend, but that did not mean his visions were a guarantee.

Bellamy knew this, yet still, he seemed determined to make me the center of his world, regardless of how unworthy I was of such a thing.

“Tell me, are your secrets somehow less damning than mine? Is the fact that you have refused to be completely honest with me since the day we met not just as horrible as my choice not to detail out my nightmares and feelings?” It was a low blow, but I was not finished, and for some reason I felt that the fire below my feet had to burn brighter or I would harden into a block of ice. The water around me even seemed colder now, as if threatening to freeze over if I did not push harder.

“I thought you understood that there was a right time to explain it all. If I give you all of the answers you want right now, then I risk—”

“I do not care about what you have seen! Why must you neglect the present for a future that might never come to pass? I cannot wait around for you to deign to give me answers, Bellamy. I am not some pet who sits and stays until you are ready to walk me. I lived two centuries of lies and manipulation, I cannot do that again!” My angry hand gestures caused waves in the tub, some of the water escaping and splashing onto Bellamy. He did not seem to care though. Instead, his eyes stayed focused on mine, refusing to break contact. Never one to back down from a challenge of will, I stared right back.

“Choose what you say carefully, Ash, because there is no antidote for the poison of a few words. They often kill faster than a blade.” Without thought, I stood, even more water sloshing over the edge. Bellamy rose to his feet as well, the way he looked down on me necessary but still infuriating.

We were on the cusp of something dangerous. I knew it, and so did he. It was a hazard to fight when tension already coiled in my stomach like a knot, but I could not stop myself from squaring my shoulders and clenching my teeth.

I felt it then, the tug to take what I wanted from his mind. To force him into honesty.

“Then break him.”

A chill crawled up my spine as Padon’s words echoed through my mind. Break him. Break him. Break him. Break. Him.

On instinct, my arms wrapped around me, trying to contain the bloodlust, the pain, all of it. There was always another path, another choice. Yes, I would sacrifice many things, but Bellamy was not one of them. I did not need him, nor did I need anyone. He was not the sun, the center of my universe keeping me in orbit. But I did want him. His love and hope and strength, I wanted those things.

“I am sorry, but I need something, Bell. Anything. All I ask for is one truth, which I promise to give in return.” Could an ultimatum be spoken without threat? Without being explicitly said? If so, I had given one just then. It was in the roughness of my tone and the widening of my eyes as I continued to stare up at him, not even my shivers from the cold enough to deter me.

Deep breaths lifted his chest, the slow and heavy movements speaking volumes on just how close to the edge he was too. Ever since losing so many in Haven, we had both been teetering on a cliff littered with shards of glass. We were forced to choose the path forward, excruciating and long, or the path down, less painful but also fatal.

That was the problem. Tragedy always seemed so close by, like a pest constantly flying past our ears. No matter how many times we swatted it away, it came right back.

With loss, grief, anger, and lies between us, tragedy was not far away. I felt that sorrow of knowing I was going to lose something in that moment. Bellamy loved me in ways I could not fathom, possibly ways I could never love him in return, but everyone had their limits. As I waited with bated breath, the dread settled within me. I prepared myself for the punishment—or worse, the goodbye.

To my surprise, Bellamy did not hit me or yell at me or even walk away. Instead, he sighed before stepping into the water, his body still without clothes from our time together earlier in the night. His arms wrapped around me, pulling us down until we were both sitting, somewhat submerged and limbs tangled. A reminder that perhaps love did not always come with pain—that Bellamy had never been the royals, and he never would be.

When his hands grabbed either side of my face, warm and right and so different from Padon’s touch, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. The part of me that still sounded like Mia chastised me for my constant crying.

“Be strong, do not feel deeply or allow others to see your weakness,” Mia used to say.

It seemed that I was only capable of the opposite these days. I tried to harden myself again, to remember that anger, but then Bellamy leaned in and shattered every defense I had. With a kiss on my forehead, then my chin, then both of my cheeks, and finally my nose, he soothed me.

“When we first heard about you, King Adbeel and I had assumed you were infused with foreign magic at birth. Some type that we had never seen before, from a creature we knew nothing of. There was something so odd about Eternity gracing you with a power that was previously unheard of. Why you? Why then? Why at all? None of it made sense, and we feared what lengths the fae would go to in the hopes of conquering.”

I stilled, too stunned to even breathe. Every word felt like a stab to my chest, tiny pieces of iron shredding through me. Bellamy’s eyes searched mine, as if desperate for a reprieve from the honesty. There was so much fear there within their icy depths, so many layers of hardened water beneath that all other feelings were distorted and far away.

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