Page 71 of Of Realms and Chaos

Though all was gray, the multiple shades of the color gave the room dimension, highlighting the intricate carvings on the ceilings. The design was of a winged creature, its four legs and large scaled body looking so similar to the dragons Bellamy had described to me one night months ago. A five-tiered crystal chandelier hung from right above the bed, which was easily one of the largest I had ever seen. But it was not the abstract sculptures or the beautifully woven rug or even the glittering crystal glasses atop the gray dresser that caught my eye. No, it was the painting that sat above his bed. I walked to the foot of the bedframe, lips parted and gaze locked.

“Fine, then give yourself willingly.” The ghost of his breath kissed my exposed shoulder, the hairs on the back of my neck rising at his sudden nearness. Padon was like the hemlock that used to flow through my system daily—invasive, corrosive, and poisonous. I knew it based on the taste of his mind and the feel of his voice.

“Never.” Just as Bellamy always did, I found myself tilting my head to the side as I stepped away from Padon, further assessing the painting.

“Ugh, why?” His growled question was filled with so much annoyance that I could not help but laugh. Padon did not speak again for a moment, but I felt him come around to my side, still not wearing any clothing—to my undying frustration.

“Is that painting of me?” Asking was unnecessary because it was, without a doubt, me painted on a canvas above his bed—held within a swirling gray frame that matched my eyes. I wore a black gown made of what looked to be thousands of tiny gems, and around my neck still hung Sipho’s necklace.

“Yes?” This question was full of nervous tension, as if he were waiting for me to grow angry enough to leave. For some reason, I was far more dazed than angry, especially with the hint of pain my body was beginning to feel—like a throbbing ache from head to toe.

“Why is it there?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. I was not sure why, but the sense of pain seemed to bring with it a bone-deep exhaustion. My eyes began to grow heavy, but I fought off the urge to sleep.

“Because you’re beautiful,” he said, softer than before. Could he sense my depleting energy? Would he take advantage of that weakness, just as so many before had? “Also, because you’re the love of my life, and I wish to see you every day. But since you aren’t ready to come to me yet, I settle for this.”

Turning to face him, I looked up into the male’s glowing white eyes. He had once been terrifying, the otherness of him daunting in a way not even the afriktor had managed. Now, though, he just seemed desperate, which often made for the most dangerous creatures alive.

“You do not know me, Padon.” I breathed deeply, trying to pull in enough air to keep me afloat. The pain was increasing, my whole body now feeling as if tiny needles were pricking me, small holes allowing the agony to pull me under. If the emperor noticed my distress, he did not say anything about it.

“I would like to, if you’ll let me. Perhaps you could tell me a story from your youth, and I can tell you one from my own.” His words were so gentle, as if he were speaking to something precious. I felt him come nearer, my bare shoulder brushing his elbow.

“Put some clothes on us, and then I will.”

Padon was quick to agree, snapping his fingers. I went from standing in only a quilt, to on his bed once more, this time clothed in a gray knit top that reached down to my knees, acting as a sort of dress. Padon was wearing a strange sort of trouser, loose fitting and thick with a tie around the waist. They looked comfortable, the bagginess of them not hiding the erection he seemed more than proud to show off.

To my utter surprise, Padon reached down and covered me with the quilt, which had somehow found its way back to the bed. For a second he appeared unsure of his next move, staring into my eyes as if searching for an answer to the many questions that invaded his mind. The scene around us flickered, the strange space of nothing and everything from before trying to fight its way back. With a deep breath, Padon slouched back slightly, and the room was whole again.

I looked on, trying to understand a creature who was intimate and kind but also invasive and violent. He was a contrast to himself, switching between the two versions faster than I could comprehend. Failing at conjuring any sort of words, I merely continued to scrutinize him, his glowing white eyes doing the same to me.

“Lift your head for me.” They were demanding words, full of superiority and authority, but also laced with a tenderness that calmed me. Since I was both exhausted and baffled, I did as I was told. Padon fluffed the pillow I had been resting on, then gazed at me with waiting eyes until I laid back down. When he was pleased with my comfort, he shuffled closer and laid down too, our arms the only thing touching.

Together we continued our staring contest of sorts, the tension not feeling awkward or heavy though the silence did not help the fatigue that was winning against my will.

“Speak,” he demanded quietly, his head tilting closer to mine. For some reason, I knew exactly what story I would tell him. It made little sense considering recent events, but this memory felt right somehow.

“About ninety years ago, I had made the unfortunate mistake of drinking far too much wine the night before a very important council meeting. I was angry with a male that I had slept with because he was insisting that I see him again. He did not understand what it meant to be with me, just as no one ever did. He, like the rest, thought himself an exception to a fundamental rule that I made long ago. I did not see anyone more than once, did not risk someone finding out what I was doing.”

Padon’s body shifted closer to mine, the move feeling as if it came from interest rather than desire. His lips were set in a line, brows furrowed, his entire face contorted in concentration as he listened.

“He threatened to tell the royals about our…encounter. And, like the hot-headed creature I am, I immediately manipulated his mind. I had dug into his head and tore the memory out, convincing him he had never met me before and hurting him in the process. Taking away their memories of me was always something I did, but I was usually gentle and kind because I hated myself and my power. I did not want to be a monster. I just wanted to feel something without losing everything. My guilt did not care about justifications though. It only saw how immoral my actions were. My friend Nicola and I drank four bottles of wine between us after we left the male on the floor of his market stall, and she nearly drowned in the lake due to our idiocy.”

Despite the morose nature of the memory, I still smiled slightly. Nicola had always been quick to help me, to fight for me, and to hold me. I missed her more than I allowed myself to admit. She was my best friend, and life without her was more difficult than I could have imagined. We planned for the distance, knowing that her move to the Yesterday Lands would force us apart, but it was far harder than I thought. She was my light, a wise and honest friend that could solve any problem.

“Well, the next day, I nearly got sick on the king during our council meeting. Resisting the urge had left me dizzy, which then caused me to faint. I was so sure I would be punished that I dreamed of Xavier’s whip slashing through my back, but when I awoke, Mia and Xavier were on either side of my bed smiling.

“I immediately began apologizing, begging for the forgiveness I knew I did not deserve but selfishly wanted, and all they did was stare at me. I was horrified until Mia leaned down and placed a soothing kiss to my forehead. And when my body stopped shaking, they each climbed into my bed and held me close, cuddling up against me like I was something they loved. Like we were a family. Mia had sung to me, brushing her fingers through my tangled hair, and Xavier had told me all about his own instances of drunk or hungover mishaps. We laughed so hard that water had squirted out of my nose when I tried to drink through the giggles, which then left Xavier silently gasping for air from his own amusement.

“It is hard to explain what it feels like when someone who hurts you so badly shows you affection. It is like winning a race you were forced to run, the success of it euphoric in a way that blinds you with its brightness, preventing you from seeing the tragedy in your worn shoes and stuttering heart and teary eyes. I was desperate for their love, and even now I struggle to not hold that memory close to my heart.” I paused, noting that my lips were going numb. Still, I felt the sadness, just as I sensed the prickling ache that was growing. Every bit of strength and determination faded, a ghost to me now. “I wish I could forget all of the good, because it would make the bad so much easier to hate. But the truth is that the good is too heavy to move, so I must let it remain in my mind, constantly on guard in case that love I had for them creeps back into my consciousness. I cannot afford to be weak in their presence—cannot give in to that desire to be worthy.”

Convinced that any response Padon conjured would only make things worse, I sighed, focusing instead on the steadily rising pain. It was fierce now, but still not as strong as the exhaustion. It felt like floating, which was such a relief from the constant drowning I suffered from.

“Love isn’t equivalent to good. Sometimes we do it in the wrong way, and sometimes it’s toxic or painful. Them being unable to love you in the way you deserved doesn’t make you unworthy of better.”

The nonchalance with which he said the words paired with the shrug left me speechless. His tongue darted out, wetting his lips as he looked at me. When he realized that I would not say anything more, he nodded and looked up at the ceiling. I remained on my side, blinks becoming longer and harder to resist. My left hand lost feeling entirely, the pain falling victim to the cold numbness.

“I was in love once, before you. She was stunning in every way, the embodiment of life—if that makes sense. She made me laugh and never let me fall victim to sadness. The light practically followed her, shining on anyone in her proximity.” The sweet taste of sadness permeated the air, the room once more seeming to flicker. “Being with her was like flying, but when I realized she didn’t love me in the same way anymore, I was suddenly free-falling.”

His profile was sharp, the lines and angles looking as if they were carved from marble, but his voice was not. It was deep and smooth, soft even. Padon was feeling in a way I had not seen him do so before.

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