Page 44 of Sealed in Ink

“Wait, what else does this video say? Is there anything about women being quiet and reserved?”

“I’mmostlyreserved.”

“Yeah, until one of your awesome outbursts. Sorry, hon, but I don’t see it.”

I laugh again like only Chrissy can make me, though the guilt still persists. Mom tries to slither into my mind and sneer at me.

“It’s so confusing,” I say. “I loved Mom so much. She was so perfect when I was a kid. She was like an angel, but in the video, sometimes…”

“You don’t have to feel bad for saying this,” Chrissy adds quickly, as though reading my mind.

“It’s like she’s a different person. She gets mean and erratic. She calls me aslut. Well, she says I am aslut-in-waiting. I could become a slut if I’m not careful. Stuff like that.”

“I’m sorry, Mary. I know she’s your mom, but I think that’s crap. You’re not a slut for being with Rust. It’s not asin. I won’t lie. It’s wrong. Seriously wrong. I think it could blow up, but it’s not wrong forthatreason.”

“For Brad,” I mutter. “Breaking his heart. Ruining his life when he’s already sacrificed so much for me.”

“What are you going to do?” Chrissy asks.

“I don’t know. Rust wanted to tell Brad as soon as it happened. He wanted to do the right thing. I guess he’s just way more honorable than me. I know it’s the right thing to do. When Brad almost caught us yesterday, Rust said we should tell himthen, but I couldn’t just drop it on him like that. Or maybe that’s an excuse. I don’t know. It feels so difficult to do the right thing, but am I really trying?”

“I think you’ll have to tell him eventually unless you’re going to get rid of the?—”

“I can’t,” I tell her, moving a hand across my belly. “As soon as Rust spun me around the room and I saw how happy he was, I knew I couldn’t. Even before that… No, never. I don’t think I could ever do that. I love them already.”

“A baby at eighteen.” She blows out a long breath. “That’s a lot to ask of a person.”

“I’ll be nineteen by then,” I say, trying to laugh, but it sounds all wrong.

“Do you think you can handle it?” she asks.

“If it weren’t for Brad, I’d say yes, but what if my baby’s uncle hates his dad? What if Brad and Rust can’t ever be in the same room together? What if Brad disowns me?”

“I don’t think he’d do that,” Chrissy says, but she doesn’t sound anywhere near certain. How could she be? This is uncharted territory for both of us. “What does Rust think about the age gap?”

I sigh. “He basically thinks it makes him a perv. He hasn’t come right out and said that, but that’s the vibe I get.”

Pausing, I listen for sounds of movement in the next room. As usual, I feel like the crappiest person in the world for worrying about sneaking around right now, but that’s what I’ve lowered myself to.“You sinful…”

“Hey, where are you going?” Chrissy says, even snapping her fingers. “You just got this spaced-out look in your eye.”

“I was thinking about Mom,” I admit.

“Hold on a hot second,” Chrissy says. “When you getthatlook, you’re thinking about the video she left?”

“Yeah, sort of. I also imagine what she’d say to me.”

“You hear her voice?”

“Notliterally. I’m not nuts, but I’ve watched the video so many times that I can hear that voice in my head. I can imagine what she’d say in certain situations based on lessons she tried to teach me.”

“And… is any of it good?”

I swallow, not wanting to admit this. “No, it’s mostly judgmental. Everything I do is wrong. That’s how it feels, but I loved her.”

“Hey, I know. I’d never doubt that, but this has been a lot for you to carry. You were saying Rust feels like a perv?”

“He acts like he should be ashamed. He thinks I’m much less mature than him, like I can’t be trusted to make decisions. Then he fucks me anyway, and we do other stuff.”

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