Page 63 of Unofficial

"Then why did you do it?" she asks, the tears appearing in her eyes again. "Did you ever care about me?"

His chest heaves. "Yes. I still do."

"Then why didn't you even try and fight? You let me walk away like it was the easiest thing in the world while I was dying inside."

Her voice comes out uneven, and he wants to reach out and hold her. Comfort her in some way. "Because it wouldn't have been fair or right for either of us at the time."

"But it was fair and right to change your mind when you saw me with someone else? Then you decided you wanted your toy back to play with?"

His eyes close at her description of how she sees herself through his eyes. She was never his toy. "I understand why you feel that way, but that's not what you were to me. Never once did I feel like you were my toy. I'm sorry it felt like I played with you instead of cared for you."

"Do you want to know why your lack of remorse and lack of interest in asking for my forgiveness after what happened hurt worse than seeing you having sex with someone else?"

"Why?"

"Because I would have fought tooth and nail for you. I would have gone to bat for you, and I would have fought every fight there was to fight for you. You were my one and only, and I was just a number to you."

Moving to sit down on the recliner, he can't help but feel like he's losing this fight. "I'm fighting for you now. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Not really. Not when it feels like you're only here because I was with someone else. It's the chase, and I don't want to be chased, Kade. I want to be caught and kept and treasured. Just like I did with you. As much as you'd let me, anyway."

"I'm not the same guy as I was before. The good parts, yes, but not the one who couldn't commit to you. You were never just a number. I knew I lost one of the best things to ever happen in my life when you walked out without a word, but I wasn't in the place to fight for you and not hurt you again."

She laughs and shakes her head. This is really not going well for him. "You keep saying that, but I don't know what that means. You weren't in a place to fight for me and not hurt me again? At least, not until I spent time with another man. Then you suddenly found yourself in a place to do that?"

"It took time. And yes, seeing you with Landry snapped something inside me. That piece that fit back into place told me that if I didn't shape up and figure my shit out, I would lose you forever. That you might already be gone, but I didn't want to come to you before I was ready. I didn't want to put us through everything again until I knew I could truly give myself to you."

"And you did that in a couple of months?"

"Am I perfect? No. I never will be. And I know there are still a few things I need to deal with, but the difference is I didn't want to deal with them before, Jess. Now, I do. And I want to deal with them with you. It makes me want to be the version of myself you need every single day. And it turns out, I actually kind of like this version of myself. I sure as hell like him better than the person who hurt you. He was a selfish prick."

The comment earns him a small smile, and he feels the glimmer of hope returning. Just a tiny one.

"Yeah, he kind of was."

"I'm putting myself out here, baby. I am. But I guess what I need to know from you is if you're actually willing to accept that I'm trying and give me a real shot here. If not, if I'm just wasting our time, please let me know."

Her lip quivers, and she takes a deep breath, holding it for a few moments that feels more like a few hours to Kade as he waits for her to speak. "I care about you. I was in love with you. And you hurt me. You hurt me like no one else ever has, and you broke my trust. God, you shook my faith in people, not just men. I don't want it to be this way, but if I'm being honest, I don't know that I can let myself trust you again."

"You can't take the risk of trusting I'm not with anyone else."

"That and whether you mean what you say, or if you're just saying what you think I want to hear. If this is really what you're looking for. That thought keeps me at a distance because I don't know if you really do want what you say you want. I really do think you believe that you do, but deep down, can I risk taking the chance of being wrong? It’s really hard to have faith when it was ripped away from me last time."

"I haven't slept with anyone since you walked in on me with Lena," Kade blurts out, his stomach feeling like he just swallowed battery acid. Why the hell did he just say that?

Jess seems to have a similarly shocked reaction, although he doubts she feels the same burn in her gut. "What... what did you just say?"

Here goes nothing. "I went to the bar every night until the night I saw you with Landry. All of those nights were spent looking for you. There was no girl who could hold a candle to you, and it wasn't worth trying to pick up anyone. Or, I would pick a woman that I had a feeling would turn me down. Like Noelle. Every single one of them did."

Blinking, she stays silent. He wouldn't know what to say to a comment like that if he was in her shoes, too. What can she say? Congrats on being the one out of the two of them to stay celibate?

Kade continues, uncertain if he's helping or hurting himself at this point. "We were seeing each other for five months, and I wasn’t seeing anyone but you. Until the day I woke up and realized how attached I was starting to get. The feelings... they overwhelmed me because I wasn't that guy. I didn't do the relationship thing. I panicked. When you had to stay late to work on that restaurant project, I went to the bar to try and blow off some steam. That's when I met Lena."

"Kade-"

"When you asked how many other women there were, there were no other women. Not until I freaked out and thought I thought I needed to remind myself of who I was. That I couldn't be a committed guy. But not being with you has been eating me alive from the inside out, and I knew I needed to deal with all the shit holding me back from being able to make a real commitment. But I can now. There may be times where I need some patience, but I'm yours, Jess. Only yours."

Sighing, she shakes her head. "I want to believe you. I really do, but you understand why I don't trust that I can, don't you?"

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