Page 23 of Revenge Cake

“In a way,” she says.

“She was having an anxiety attack,” Dean says. “She doesn’t like crowds, especially smelly crowds.”

“A panic attack,” Lani corrects. “I get them periodically. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal” plays over and over again in my head as I stare at her, sensing an invisible wall rise between us. “Not a big deal” is just another way of saying, “you’re not important enough to know this about me.”

I’m not, but Dean is.

“Can we talk for a second?” She frowns in question before nodding. She turns to Dean. “I’m better now. You should go inside and find everyone.” With that she grabs my arm and pulls me through the crowd.

After sifting through packed bodies, she pulls me to a small open space near the patio gate. “What’s up with you tonight?” she asks. “I’ve never seen you this grumpy before.”

I find I can’t keep a filter on my mouth. “Why did you ask Dean to come with you during your panic attack and not me?”

She blinks once. “That’s what you’re upset about? I didn’t ask him. He’s known me for years. He could tell I was having a panic attack when I passed him on the way out, so he followed me.”

“It seems like you guys are really close.” I want to cringe at the surliness in my tone, but there’s no going back now. I’ve made my jealousy embarrassingly obvious. Nothing to do now but plunge over the edge, even if it’s to my death.

Her faint smile is almost piteous. “You don’t have to worry about Dean. I’ve known him since I was five years old. He’s like a brother.”

“A brother who likes watching you eat pita chips when you’re stoned.”

“Well, my feelings for him are sisterly. I can’t speak for Dean.”

“He’s super into you. It’s obvious.”

“He’s just drunk.” She reaches her hand out and places it on my shoulder. I close my eyes as she runs her fingers up my nape. When I open my eyes slowly, she’s smiling wryly. “I think you are too, come to think of it.”

I smile sheepishly. “A little.”

Her smile widens.

“I also can’t stand Dean. It’s like he’s been rubbing it in my face all night that he’s closer to you than I am. I didn’t even know you had panic attacks. You never told me that before… What?” I ask abruptly when she sucks in her lips, as if fighting laughter.

“You sound like a little kid.”

My face heats. It’s not the first time she’s compared me to a child when I’ve pressed her for intimacy. “I love you!” I exclaim, my voice louder than I intended. “Is it childish that I want to know things about you?”

Her smile falters. She looks contrite, and something else that I can’t quite decipher. She takes a step closer to me before wrapping her arms around my shoulder and pulling me down for a kiss. For the first time all night, tension eases from my shoulders. I pull her closer and deepen the kiss. When she pulls away, she stares deep into my eyes, as if trying to silently communicate with me.

I see love in her eyes, and I wish it didn’t make me feel dizzy with elation. I wish it didn’t make me want to lift her into my arms and carry her right home to my bed.

It’s not fair that she won’t say it. It’s not fair that everything is always on me.

But it’s enough, I tell myself, because I have no other choice. She’s it. She’s the end game for me, and if she still doesn’t trust me enough then I have work to do.

I’ll earn those words by proving to her day after day that I’m not going anywhere.

***

Leilani

Sleep eludes me long after Logan passes out with his head on my pillow, his soft breaths tickling my shoulder, his big arms wrapped around my waist. I may not like cuddling, but I love cuddling with him. I run his earlier words over and over again in my head. Is it childish that I want to know things about you? I can’t figure out why they touched me so much.

I’m just starting to drift away when I’m startled awake by a sound. A moan. I lift my head from my pillow and turn to Logan. He moans again, a faint little hum at the back of his throat, and I know it’s unpleasant from his slightly furrowed brow. I lift my hand and run my fingers through his hair, hoping to calm him.

His eyes pop open. “Lani,” he whispers.

---