Page 52 of Revenge Cake

Later that night, I cry on Brenna’s lap after telling her the whole of what happened today. “I’m seeing Dr. Scott tomorrow,” I say. “I need to get something for this. Some kind of medication. I just can’t live like this anymore.”

I can’t watch him run away from me without something to dull the pain a little.

CHAPTER 19

Present Day

Logan

1. Don’t look at her Instagram.

2. Don’t text her.

3. If you run into her, be polite but distant.

4. Don’t under any circumstances agree to see her in person.

5. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER.

“You should have checked her Instagram,” Keira says. “You would have broken four of your boundaries in the span of six hours, instead of just three.”

I smile, trying not to show that I’m irritated. “I thought about it, but it wouldn’t really be worth it unless I broke all five. It would be like the Warriors in 2016. Going 73–9 is meaningless if you can’t win the championship too.”

“Agreed,” Armaan says, but he seems like he’s only half-listening. He lifts his beer to his mouth, his eyes locked on the TV screen to our right. Ostensibly Keira invited us out to happy hour to watch the NBA playoffs, but we all knew what she was really asking for. She wanted to lecture me, but needed an opportunity to do it.

As if I need a lecture. As if I don’t already hate myself enough for my weakness. Just three days ago, I was certain I would stick to my list. The Lani who once held me hypnotized under her unblinking stare was long gone. I was in charge now. She wronged me, and it was time for her to pay for it, and no power on heaven or earth would compel me to let her off the hook.

Except the very earthly power of jealousy, it turns out.

“I’m starting over with my list,” I say in a lowered voice, making up for my earlier sarcasm. “I haven’t seen or heard from Lani in three days.”

And I’ve been going out of my fucking mind, especially after her parting words Friday night, but of course I can’t tell Keira that.

“And what happens if she shows up on campus in lingerie next time? Will you break all five of your rules?” She shakes her head. “It was a pretty epic failure, Logan.”

Her continued roasting rubs me the wrong way. The list may have been her idea, but the boundaries were mine. I’m the only person who has a right to be angry here, and I’m already furious with myself. I don’t need her to beat me over the head with my “epic failure.”

“I know,” I say. “And I feel like we should not only talk about it in even more detail, but we should also discuss the time my high school lacrosse team lost in the last round of the playoffs, because I had a fever and I let Torrey Pines score when I was literally staring out into space. I was exactly like Michael Jordan in the Flu Game. Except in reverse. Armaan, do you have anything you want to add to my list of epic failures?”

When he doesn’t shift his gaze from the TV, I wonder if he’s listening at all anymore, but he eventually speaks. “Let’s talk about that night at Delta Tau when you got so drunk, you took a piss in the drawer of your nightstand thinking it was a toilet.”

I nod once. “I also fell asleep in a puddle of my own vomit that same night. We should discuss that in detail too. It was purple. My vomit, I mean. I have no idea why. I don’t remember much from that night.” I smile lazily at Keira, but she only stares at me blankly. I glance down at the table, having no clue what to do with her stern mood. “This isn’t about you, Keira,” I want to say. Instead I turn to Armaan. “Can you go to the bar and get me another beer?”

An indignant frown starts to form on his face as he turns to me, but it’s quickly gone when he sees the look on my face. His eyes dart to Keira and back to me again. “Sure,” he says as he slides out of our booth.

After several uncomfortable minutes of silence, Keira speaks, and the disappointment in her voice fills me with guilt. “You don’t really care about any of this, do you?”

“I do,” I say, my tone softened. “But you were right. I failed epically. What else can I do? I can’t go back in time.”

“Why did you even write it in the first place? Did you even mean any of it, or was it just to please me?”

“I meant all of it, I promise. I planned on staying as far away from Lani as possible. I never would have thought I would fail so epically a week ago.”

At my answer, she exhales, her shoulders slumping. “Is she just that hard for you to resist?”

The scornful disbelief in the question surprises me, rendering me momentarily unable to answer. She’s never been petty like this before. On the contrary, I’ve never heard a single catty remark in Lani’s direction. Since that moment on campus when I impulsively confessed my misery, Keira assumed an almost inhuman objectivity in helping me navigate my mess of a relationship.

It’s surprising considering the truth we both know and can’t say. She clearly has feelings for me. It’s evident in everything from her body’s awareness of me to her vested interested in my relationship with Lani. I’ve admired her self-control. It went a long way in assuaging the guilt over what happened between us that night before I called a break with Lani.

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