Page 19 of Sin

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“You said ‘thankfully’ your dad left. That’s kind of a weird thing to say.”

My jaw tightens as I try to keep my voice steady. “Yeah, my dad is a giant prick. To both me and my mom. Everything had to be in perfect order. My mom had to keep the house spotless. I wasn’t allowed to step out of line in any way or else he’d lose it on me. As if he had the moral high ground.” Anger flares in my gut. “He expected perfection from us, and then he left. For another woman.”

“Ah.” Lily nods slowly. “That must be where your whole virgin thing comes from.”

The tension leaves my shoulders as I chuckle. I can never predict where her brain is going to go, which makes conversations with her a wild ride. I’m never bored.

“My virgin thing?” I say. “I’ve never heard it called that before. You mean my plan to save myself for marriage?”

“Yeah.”

I frown. “Why do you think that would have something to do with my dad?”

Lily’s brows draw together. “If I had a dad who wanted me to be all perfect and moral, and then he cheated on my mom… I’d probably be like, ‘Fuck you. I’ll be a virgin ’til I’m married just to show you I’m better than you.’”

Warmth fills my chest, and I want to kiss her yet again. I love the way she sees the world. It’s so Lily-centered, and yet it doesn’t feel selfish. It’s like she’s speaking from a place of unfiltered truth. She doesn’t give a shit if she appears selfish, and that makes her raw honesty comforting.

The truth is I do sometimes revel in my moral superiority over my dad. It’s a feeling I try to stifle, because it’s petty and prideful, but hearing it from Lily’s mouth makes me feel…less alone.

“That’s not why I’m a virgin,” I say. “Or at least, I don’t think it is, because I’m not a psychologist.”

She frowns. “Why are you a virgin? It’s so weird.”

“I love how blunt you are. I know it’s weird. I actually don’t think having sex outside of marriage is wrong for everyone. My brother is a pretty liberal pastor, and he helped me see that, but I know it’s wrong for me.”

She grimaces. “I don’t even want to get married. If I were you, I’d be committing to no sex at all.”

“Oh, yeah?” I say, trying to keep my voice light even as my chest fills with an uncomfortable heaviness.

This feeling isn’t rational. Why should I care that Lily doesn’t want to get married? It’s not like I’d ever want to marry her.

“Yep.” Lily flips her hair over her shoulder. “Men in our society think they own you if you’re married. Fuck that. I value my freedom more than anything.”

I swallow. “What if you found a guy who didn’t treat you like he owned you? A guy you trusted to respect your freedom?”

“Then he’d respect my wishes not to get married.” She narrows her eyes on my face. “And what about you? What if you fall in love with a woman who doesn’t want to get married?”

I shake my head sharply. “She wouldn’t be the woman for me. I know I want to get married. I know I want to stay a virgin until I do. It was a vow I made to myself and my future wife years ago, and I take vows seriously.”

Her eyebrows lift, and her mouth parts. She looks so appalled that I can’t wait to hear what she’s going to say next.

“Ethan.” Her voice is full of disbelief. “You don’t even know your future wife. She’s basically imaginary. And the only other person you made this vow to was yourself. Let me tell you something about a promise to yourself—” she raises both hands in the air “—no one’s going to punish you for breaking it.”

I smile, my body feeling as light as it has in months. “You bring up some excellent points, but you have to understand that I’m a Christian. We see the world differently.”

“I mean, I get it, but you didn’t even mention God when you talked about your virginity. Apparently, this vow was only to yourself and your future wife.”

Shock vibrates through my body, making my head grow fuzzy. Holy shit, she’s right. I somehow had an entire conversation about staying pure until marriage without even mentioning my relationship with God.

Because he feels so distant, like a memory that fades every time I reach for it.

Before I can respond, Lily’s eyes dart to a table in the corner of the coffee shop. Her lips curl into a mischievous smile. She sets her elbows on the wooden table and leans forward. “My crush is here,” she whispers.

Crush? What crush?

I whip my head in the direction of the table and spot a single guy in a group of girls. That must be him. He’s tall and lanky with light-blond hair. Relatively good-looking, I guess.

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