Page 7 of Sin

“Are you going to Devon’s party tomorrow night?” Noah asks, pulling me out of my head.

“Probably not,” I say, straining to keep my voice even. I don’t want him to sense my guilt. “Being around a bunch of drunk people isn’t as fun as it used to be.”

He pulls his clean shirt over his head. “I don’t know how it was ever fun. I can never be sober around drunk people. Your self-control is crazy.” He smiles. “Probably why you’re better at football than me.”

I smirk. “Or maybe I’m more naturally talented.”

“No way. I don’t believe in that. That’s fixed mindset. It’s all about hard work.”

He might be right. I’ve spent the last three years devoting myself to becoming better. Never slacking during practice. Keeping razor-sharp focus during games, which means getting plenty of sleep and spreading out my homework and studying throughout the week. I never cram.

Somehow, I’ve managed to keep a 3.8 GPA even with the distraction of football. My dream is to get into the NFL, but there are no guarantees. I’m not the most physically talented wide receiver. A stroke of luck last year determined my NFL potential. A scout happened to see me because he attended the game for another player.

God is calling me to be my best possible self. I know it, though I’ve never heard his voice directly. My fluke success in football has to be a sign of some kind. Though it might be a worldly pursuit, it’ll put me in a position of influence, where I can do so much good in the world.

If only I felt like a better Christian now. I try so hard to make all the right choices, and yet I’m always falling short.

Like I did last night with Lily.

The murmur of conversations fade as Noah and I stride out of the locker room and into the dimming evening. Noah’s phone rings over the sound of crunching gravel under our feet.

He takes one look at the screen before silencing the ring. “It’s my mom. Probably calling me about something that could be answered in a single text.”

I smile, though it takes effort. Acting normal with him is almost as grueling as the conditioning drills we just finished. “My mom does it too, but I look at it as just one thing off my to-do list. It saves me time. She expects at least one phone call a week.”

He pats my back. “You have lists for everything. Weekly calls with your mom, workouts, your protein intake.” He laughs. “Even your Bible reading and church attendance.”

I snort. “It won’t get done otherwise.”

“I doubt that. You keep lists to prove to yourself how much your life is optimized.”

The word “optimized” makes me want to cringe. Something about it feels so…lifeless. It implies a kind of sterile efficiency meant for machines.

Lily would love that, wouldn’t she? “It all makes sense, Ethan,” she’d say if she were here right now. “You have no personality because you’re secretly a robot.”

A smile rises to my lips. I’ve never met anyone else who could tease me so mercilessly. I don’t have a warm personality, and I’m a big guy. I assume that most people are at least a little intimidated by me. Not her. She’s fearless, and it’s fucking adorable.

“I wish Lily could take up list-making,” Noah says, making me jump.

Holy shit, what am I doing thinking Lily is adorable? Sure, I’m attracted to her physically, but she’s a menace. A giant pain in my ass. When she moved into the Alpha Theta Kappa house her sophomore year, Noah asked me to look out for her. I took that commitment seriously, and that girl is always out partying.

What is she doing, and who is she with, especially these last six months? I wish the thought didn’t haunt me, but she’s been so aloof and secretive. Is there some guy she’s seeing that she doesn’t want to tell anyone about? Maybe because he’s older or married? My chest grows tight, and I clench my hands into fists at my side.

“Her grades are getting worse and worse,” Noah says. “I don’t think she’s doing any studying.”

I shrug. “She’s probably going through something. She seems… I don’t know, distant, I guess.”

His dark eyes probe into mine. “You’ve noticed that too. I think something happened with Mason. Maybe… Do you think she was more into him than she let on, and their breakup really got to her?”

A prickling heat spreads over my skin. I can’t stand the thought of Lily pining for Mason. I hated it when she started dating him, probably even more than Noah did. I could barely stomach seeing them together. Any time Mason had his hands on her, I wanted to yank him away from her.

I told myself it was because I’m protective of her, and Mason is a prick. A mediocre quarterback with a chip on his shoulder. He knows he’s not NFL material, but it never seemed to bother him until I started excelling. Once I gained the attention of scouts, he started acting like a jealous, petty rival when we should be focused on winning games.

But somehow, after last night, that doesn’t feel like the whole reason. Could I have some kind of repressed attraction to her? My older brother, Brandon, and his wife, Mariana, have been teasing me for years that I do, because I’ve complained about her so much.

If I do have some kind of twisted crush, it’s not very strong. I’ve always had razor-sharp clarity about the things I want, and I don’t want her. Even if she weren’t off-limits.

“Fuck Mason,” Noah says. “I knew he was into her, and I told him to stay away. Now look what happened. Lily barely talks to me, and he’s acting like an even bigger dick to me than usual.” He scoffs. “He’s a dick to you, too. And you’re the most important man on the team. We can’t win without you.”

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