Page 82 of Sin

“Ethan…” He shakes his head. “You know my thoughts on purity culture and how toxic it is, so I won’t preach to you about it. But it never seemed to me that your plan to stay a virgin until marriage held much conviction. It was like an item on one of your many internal checklists. Your proof to yourself that you have morals and discipline. That you’re a good person.”

Irritation sends prickles of heat over my skin. “What are principles if not a framework to live by? They’re my way of making sure I’m doing right by others and by myself. They’re not just a checklist, they’re my guideposts. Without them, I’d be lost.”

He reaches out and sets a hand on my shoulder. “You wouldn’t be. You’re stronger than you think. Principles are important, but they shouldn’t be a cage. Life is messy, and sometimes you have to bend a little. It doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’re human. I don’t know where you got the idea that you have to be perfect to be good.”

I scoff. “I don’t think I have to be perfect.”

“Then why do you beat yourself up over every little mistake? The way you just talked about losing your virginity…” He shakes his head. “You told me you love that girl. Why should you feel guilty for having sex with her?”

I let out a long sigh. “I made a vow to God that I would save myself for my wife, and at my first real temptation, I threw that vow out the window. I’ve barely thought about God at all since Lily came into my life. I haven’t even gone to church. She’s all I think about. I’m obsessed with her.”

His smile is almost pitying. “Love does that, and it’s a beautiful thing. God can handle it. He doesn’t need your constant attention. And maybe you don’t care about your faith right now because it hasn’t been kind to you. It’s too rigid. Too restraining. Maybe God is trying to tell you that you need to redefine your faith.”

“What does that even mean?”

Brandon leans closer, his dark eyes burning into mine. “It means faith isn’t a straitjacket. A god that demands a miserable existence of you isn’t a god at all.”

“Well, it’s the only God I’ve ever known. You’re one of his shepherds. Maybe have a talk with him about my miserable existence. See if he can do something about it.”

“I don’t think we have the same God. Mine isn’t as judgmental as yours. Mine brings me happiness and clarity.”

A tingling sensation spread through my body. It’s like I’ve been jolted awake from a long, restless sleep.

“Oh, fuck,” I mutter.

No wonder I became so obsessed with Lily. She brought something into my life that I never truly knew before. Blissful, aching joy. With her, I was free for the first time, unburdened by the heavy weight of my self-imposed expectations. I spent so many years trying hard to be perfect, to be nothing like my father. I used this idea of a rigid God and his rules to help me feel like I was righteous and deserving, but I was never happy.

I’m not sure if I even know the real God. It doesn’t matter if my old faith crumbles away. What matters is finding something real, something that brings me life and joy.

Right now, the only thing that feels real and true is her.

The real God can find me in his own time. For now, I’m going to work on gaining back the trust of the one girl who showed me what it means to live.

My darling, precious Lily.

I only hope it’s not too late.

“Brandon,” I say, my pulse pounding in my ears. “I fucked up. I betrayed Lily.”

His eyes widen. “Betrayed her how?”

I wave a hand. “It’s a long story, and it’s not my place to tell you the details. But that punch yesterday had nothing to do with the game. I punched Mason because I wanted to punish him, even after Lily made me promise I would stay out of it. The worst part is…I wouldn’t listen.” I shake my head, my thoughts growing fuzzy. “I acted like it was my moral obligation to punch him in the face.”

He laughs, a deep, hearty sound that resonates through the cool night air. “Moral obligation to punch him in the face. Oh, Ethan.”

My face heats. “It sounds fucking stupid after saying it aloud.”

“It sounds like you’re in love, and you wanted to protect your woman.”

I wince. “I shouldn’t have done it. Not when she made me promise. Her feelings should be so much more important than my need to avenge her. I think… It came from a dark place. Possessiveness. I want to protect her, to keep her safe from everything that could hurt her. But more than that, I want it to be my exclusive right. I want to be the center of her world, like she is mine.”

Brandon takes a slow sip of his beer. When he sets it down on the table, he stares at me for a long moment. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect her, as long as you respect her autonomy. You can learn how to do that. We’re all a work in progress. Let this be your first lesson that you don’t have to be perfect.”

He’s right. I can grow and change, unlearn my rigid habits.

But the first thing I need to do is show Lily that I’m willing. That I’m ready to throw my idol of perfection and moral superiority into the fire.

I need to prove to her that I can be the man she needs—the man who respects her choices and stands by her side, no matter what. I want to be the partner she can lean on, not the hero who tries to solve everything for her.

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