Page 38 of Scarred King

“What’s wrong?” he asks concerned.

“Johanna sent me a text. I think I should go home.” My voice is trembling.

“Is she in trouble?”

“Not right now. At least, I don’t think so.” I am trying to think how I should explain this without revealing some dangerous information. “But maybe I should go back…”

“You’re amazing,” he cuts me off and smiles, “But Johanna is a big, smart girl. If she doesn’t really need you, it would be a shame for you to miss tomorrow. It will be fascinating.” I think about what he said and try to understand why I'm so upset. She is smart. Sometimes a little impulsive, but she’d never do anything really stupid. At least, not without talking to me first. And what difference would one day make?

“You’re right.” I shake off the nagging thoughts and manage to smile. “It would be a shame to miss all of tomorrow’s lectures and panels.” But what I really want to say is that it would be a shame to miss quality time with my perfect professor.

He smiles with satisfaction and opens the cab door for me. Several minutes later we walk down a trail leading to the shoreline, and I am sucked into my now magical reality. We walk side by side on the soft sand and he tells me all about his marriage, about dealing with her need for children and the understanding that his world is different than hers. “We were like parallel lines…” he starts explaining and I burst out laughing.

“That could never meet no matter how much you extend them,” I complete his sentence and he looks at me, surprised. Suddenly he sits down on the sand and pulls my hand, signaling for me to sit down beside him.

“I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed a woman’s company as much,” he says, holding my hand. “It’s as if I’ve found a soulmate.” His fingers caress the back of my hand and I hold my breath. “You have everything,” he says and looks at me intently, “you're smart, a wonderful person to have conversations with, and you know all about my world.” He puts his second hand on my arm and strokes it. “And you are so feminine and passionate.” His hand creeps up toward my neck, and I move my braid, so he won’t touch it. “I need to know if you feel the same way.” He looks at me questioningly and cups my cheek with his hand.

“I think that my dream has just become reality,” my voice is trembling, and his head leans closer to mine. I still can’t breathe. His lips meet mine and press for a long, soft kiss. I respond to him and place my hand on his neck, waiting impatiently for the physical jolt I should be feeling right now. I relax my arms, lean back and continue to enjoy his gentle kiss. My brain is singing and dancing, but my body feels cold. I’ll feel it soon, I encourage myself as I continue to explore his mouth with my tongue. It’ll be here in a minute. But even when he pulls his head back and smiles at me nervously, my body remains frozen. I think I hear Scarface’s mocking chuckle, as if he is watching and laughing at me. I can actually hear his mocking tone in my head. Did you really think that intellectual passion could beat physical passion? You’ll never beat your natural instinct… I panic, and move away from the professor, my smile disappears.

“This is my dream,” I explain apologetically, “but the risk is too big.” I shake off the sand from my dress and continue. “You’re my professor. My research advisor. You’re the one who’s meant to guide me through my thesis and help me create the foundation of my professional life. If we let this happen now, we could both lose everything.” I fall silent and understand how scared I am. “I’d be kicked out of school. I’d have to find a new place. Everyone in our field would hear about this and think that I slept my way through all my achievements. And you…” I stop, I can’t even voice the possibility that the professor would be fired because of me. How did we get here? “No, I just can’t allow this to happen.”

I wait for his reaction tensely and fearfully. He stands up, gives me his hand and pulls me up to stand beside him.

“I feel used,” he laughs lightly, and I exhale in relief. “You just want me for my brain.”

“I’d love to use some other things as well.” I realize that I’m lying, but I have no doubt it will be true in the future, after I finish school. The pressure is probably too much for me, and that’s why my body won’t cooperate.

“But you’re right.” He shakes the sand off and places his hand naturally on my lower back as we walk back towards the trail. “I was so focused on myself that I forgot to think about the consequences.” His hand caresses my back lightly. "Anyway, I want to help you. I’ve already thought about it. I respect you, and with your abilities we can bring up to speed your professional independence.” He stares at me, and I look at him curiously. “We’ll give you two extra courses each semester, and next year I’ll ask permission to shorten your academic year. At the end of the year, I’ll put you into an accelerated master’s degree program with a thesis and I’m sure with me by your side you’ll finish with great success.” He continues talking and I can’t shut my open mouth. “Only if that’s what you want, of course.” He stops and turns around to face me, holds me close and kisses me again. This time I’ll feel it! I try to convince myself enthusiastically, but once again the kiss ends and… nothing. Freeze

“So how does that sound to you?” he asks and moves away.

“Perfect!” I ignore my embarrassment and hug him. When I let go, I think he looks excited.

“Great.” He moves away suddenly. “Then we’ll go back to a purely professional relationship. And in the meantime…” he glances at me and smiles awkwardly, “start wearing bras.”

We enter a nearby café and over our meal we talk about the discussions at the panels today, about the lecture topics for tomorrow and about the slow but sure advance of our own research. The hours pass by and as he is paying our bill, I realize sadly that this is my last evening alone with him. I don’t say anything, but I can see on his face that he feels the same way.

We part at the entrance of our rooms. He doesn’t wait, and the white door closes behind him. I know that if I knock on that door now, I could go right in and see whether this is the man who could fulfill my other fantasies. But Johanna comes back into my head, and so does Scarface’s mocking laugh.

18

It's my last day here and I intend to take advantage of every minute. I didn’t close my eyes all night. Thinking about my relationship with the professor, the professional future that he’ll help me achieve, my fear of Johanna’s discovery and… the warmth that spreads between my legs whenever I think of my annoying, sexy boss. The honest conversation we had a few nights ago, when he confessed his feelings for me, suddenly excites me. It feels like my brain is processing and accepting my physical needs. The understanding that I want to get to know Scarface and allow him to get to know me is shocking, but this time I ignore my brain’s warning signals. I realize that I’m entitled to satisfy my physical needs with him. He’s constantly on my mind. I undress and feel as if he’s inspecting every part of my body. I shower and he’s standing in front of me, looking at me. I touch myself and he… oh my God, I must be losing my mind. The incident with the professor makes me reach one conclusion – I must fulfill my sexual fantasies with Scarface, if only to get rid of them once and for all. I walk towards the elevator and feel the warmth spreading through my body, and I feel a pleasant shudder down my spine.

The professor is waiting for me at the entrance to the restaurant where breakfast is served. The familiar shy smile is on his face and I have to force myself to push my erotic thoughts aside, the thoughts that have nothing to do with this perfect man who is here with me, and enjoy real quality time with him. He draws me into conversations with his colleagues and throughout the panels he encourages me to participate and ask questions. As the time passes, I enjoy my involvement and I find myself looking forward to the next opportunity. The main lecture ends, and just before we enter another panel, we’re stopped by Professor Karim.

“Elena,” he says to me, ignoring Professor Sawyer completely, “I’ll be starting on a new research study next semester. I've got a very serious funding from the European Union, and I think that you would be a valuable addition to our team. Are you interested?”

I put my hand over my mouth in surprise and turn my head to Professor Sawyer. He is not smiling, and his expression is cold.

“Thank you so much, Professor Karim,” I answer excitedly, “But I’ll have to say no.” I peek at my professor and see that his small smile has returned. “I have to focus on finishing my degree and then start to work on my thesis. Besides, I’m already a research assistant and I’m really enjoying every minute of it.”

“That’s too bad.” He shakes my hand. “If you change your mind, give me a call.” He hands me a business card and leaves.

“He just made you a very serious offer,” the professor whispers in my ear as we sit down, next to each other. “You should have given it some thought.”

“No,” I say decisively. “We agreed on something yesterday and I keep my word.”

He nods and continues looking at me until the panel starts.

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