Page 96 of All of You

That was the crux of it, and I needed to hear her say it. She’d used me, and in that moment, she’d made the final grab for Johnson, for the image and the story, and if she could own up to that, maybe I could really forgive her.

Maybe some part of this sadness would dampen.

She took a deep breath. “I’m not sure how to explain it. I’ve been trying to figure out what one thing made me decide, and I don’t think there was one thing. Not really. It was a bunch of little things that had been building for a while. I had to tell you—I knew that. I had missed you so much—” Her voice caught, and she swallowed, her dark brows knitted together.

I’d missed her too. Before the breakdown, and since.

She continued. “At rehearsals, Danes was all over me, and I’d talked to him, his manager, and even the choreographer about that, telling them he had to stop or I’d have to walk. I’d thought he’d finally gotten the message, but then, during the performance…”

A growl of irritation escaped me.

“I know. He’s got a screw loose, and my lawyer ended up threatening him with a restraining order, so don’t—don’t worry about that. Not that you were, but?—”

“I was. I didn’t know it was going on to that extent, but I was worried. I knew you were upset with that, and we had no time to talk, and then, it was the award, and then….”

She sat up straight. “I know.”

“So Danes was one factor.”

“Danes, I wanted him to get that we were more than casual—thought maybe that would help him take me at my word that I didn’t want him. Stupid, I know. Then, missing you. And I’ll admit, the atmosphere—the excitement, the feeling of being dressed up and out with you at such a public event, getting to introduce you to everyone and knowing you were mine.” Her focus fled to her lap where her fingers were tucked between her legs.

“Then they called my name for that award, and I just knew. I couldn’t accept the award without thanking you—both the you I had a relationship with, that I was… that I was falling for,” she said, watching my face.

She must have seen my chest rise a little higher, my attempt at swallowing the gravel in my throat.

“And the you who’d inspired the song.”

I shut my eyes against that moment, anger flooding through me. I battled within myself, searching for the right words, something to dismiss her effectively and be done with all this. It was time to move on.

“Ben, please look at me.”

I opened my eyes to find her a bit closer, studying my face. I shook my head, just slightly, one shake, but she saw.

“Please.”

I wasn’t even sure what she was asking for, but I couldn’t stand it.

I shot to my feet with a frustrated grunt. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I thought you’d come for closure, or… I don’t know. But this isn’t cutting it.”

I stopped at the kitchen counter, straightened an already-neat pile of papers.

She was at my side before I’d heard her move.

“I don’t know what to tell you but the truth.” Her voice sounded low and strained.

I shook my head again, clenching my jaw to keep the words in. I felt them building, pushing against the roof of my mouth.

“I can’t leave here until I’m sure you know what happened. You seem to have something in mind, and I don’t understand what that is.”

I whirled to her, the papers abandoned. “How about the truth? How about that you saw the window of opportunity and you took it. How about that you used me to get what you wanted, and I’m sure it worked, so good job.”

Her mouth dropped open, a sharp inhale of breath, and then nothing but a look so hurt, I momentarily forgot I was the one who’d had his heart ripped out. Her lashes fluttered like she’d been punched in the gut, but I checked the urge to grab her arm and steady her.

“I wish it had been different, Whit. I wish you’d felt enough for me for it to actually be real, and I wish even more than since you didn’t, you would have just been honest with me. That would have made it better—would have made it suck, but it wouldn’t have felt like a betrayal.”

She forced her mouth closed and took a startled step back, then another. She pulled her keys from her pocket and turned to the door, but stopped just short of grabbing the handle.

When she turned back to me, she shredded me. Tears slid from the corners of her eyes, but she wiped them away fiercely and took three long steps until she stood right next to me.

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