Page 103 of The Sound Of Us

Axel

Eli and I stand in his kitchen. His arms banded tightly around me. My face buried in his chest.

My body is tired. More tired than usual and what is considered as normal. Even without the tests back, I know what’s coming. Selfishly, I still can’t bring myself to tell Eli. I’m so afraid he’ll change his mind about us. About me. Who would want to take on a sickly person who won’t even be around to celebrate his mid-thirties?

Thoughts race through my head and I bury myself deeper into Eli.

He pulls back enough to sign, “We should leave tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest.”

“Tomorrow morning. I’ll go back to the house for my personal items.”

He frowns, so I reassure him. “He'll be at work in the morning.”

“I’ll come with you.”

I place my hand over his heart. “I’ll be quick, Eli. I wouldn’t have bothered if it wasn’t important. It’s something of my mother’s. I’ll go get it and be back here in no time. In the morning, okay? When Frank is gone.”

He’s not happy, but he agrees and books us the first flight out.

We sleep in each other’s arms. Eli holds me like I’m the most precious thing he’s ever held, burying my body inside his as if to hide me away. I feel so loved. So wanted.

Eli’s soft breathing near my ear tells me he’s fallen asleep.

I slip out of his arms carefully, walking through the house, making sure all the windows are shut and double checking that all the doors are locked. It’s not likely Frank will barge into Eli’s house, but I still check everything.

I call Ben on Eli’s cell and tell him I'm leaving with Eli in the morning. I don't tell him about Frank catching me and Eli because he'll stress about it and he has an exam tomorrow. I'll tell him after his exam.

I ask him to ask his brother, Luke, to check tomorrow’s schedule, to make sure Frank is on for tomorrow morning’s shift. Ben confirms that he is and then he tells me to send him a forwarding address as soon as possible so he can visit me sometime. Also, he called Casey and asked her to cover for me tomorrow while he writes his exam.

That’s when the tears come. I’m leaving my whole life behind. This is all I know and tomorrow this time it will be over.

The elation and the relief is overshadowed by an inexplicable sadness. I know I’ll get to see Ben. Eli would never try to isolate me from the people I love, like Frank had for so many years.

But despite having nothing keeping me here in River Valley, leaving is as painful as if I was being ripped away from something precious. I know it’s the familiarity. The attachment you develop to something or someone, no matter how damaging or harmful, feels the same as love sometimes. But I know now that it’s not true. So much of who I am is connected to this place. To Frank.

My identity is being challenged, and that’s what the tears are for. If I could just remember that this person I’d become is not really me, but the person I had to create in order to survive, I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine as long as I remember that there is a world out there. A world with Eli in it. And this new world is so much better than the one I’d gotten used to, the one I’m familiar with.

It may seem strange to someone who’s never lived with an abuser, but it’s possible to feel sad, despite all the cruelty. You think, why did it have to happen that way? It’s not that you want things to get better so you can stay. It’s that you wish none of it had ever happened at all. Your sadness is for all the could-have-beens.

And leaving your abusive spouse doesn’t make you immune to feeling sadness for him, too.

I end my call with Ben, promising to get all the details to him as soon as I have them.

Sitting on the side of the bed, I watch Eli sleep. It’s comforting watching him sleep. I resist the urge to run my hands through his hair. I don’t want to wake him. A smile touches my lips. The worst is over. Frank found out. I'm still alive. I’m still afraid, but I’m more courageous than scared now.

I text Mrs. Dalton, asking her to text back as soon as she sees Kenny’s car pass by after picking Frank up, usually around seven-fifteen.

She texts me back at seven-twenty to let me know Kenny’s car had just passed by. She also lets me know that she’ll be leaving in about twenty minutes to the airport. Her daughter is close to her due date, so can I please come by now to say goodbye?

“You deserve this,” she tells me when I sit down with the cup of tea she’d placed in my hand.

“I know, Mrs. Dalton.”

“I know it’s not easy and sometimes we don’t even know why we stay—God knows I asked myself that question every single day for thirty years—but Axel, dear, you’ve shown me that true love can make you brave.”

“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” I say sincerely.

She smiles, her wrinkles moving upward. “Thank you, dear.” She takes a sip of her tea and adds, “I want this for you. From that first time I saw the way you looked at him, I knew this was meant for you.”

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