Page 116 of The Sound Of Us

Now, at four a.m. I’m getting ready to go to the airport. Pepper, after eating almost half of Ben’s chicken without permission, sits at the corner of the room feeling guilty and probably hoping she can still come with me.

“He gave you all of his addresses, right? What if he’s at work? You don’t want to show up all casual. You want to look professional, right?” Ben says, while he lays out his only suit. A brown coat and matching pants with a blue shirt and matching tie. It’s the suit he wore to prom. It doesn’t fit him anymore, but it’ll fit me.

“You’re right. I should make an effort,” I reply.

Ben comes to sit on the bed next to me. “Don’t ever come back here, no matter how much that asshole begs. Do you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

“No matter how many promises he makes, you make sure you stay there with Eli. He’s the one you were meant for.”

“I won’t come back. But you? You’ll come see me, right?”

He smiles and squeezes my shoulder lightly. “Definitely.”

“You’re my very best friend, Ben. I’m so grateful to have you.”

“I’m always here, Ax. I’m just so happy you get to have your happily ever after.”

Ever after? I have to tell him about my relapse.

“The cancer came back, Ben,” I say.

He swears softly. “Fuck, Ax. I’m so sorry.”

We take the mandatory minute to let it sink in. It’s not Ben’s first time, but I know it’s just as hard as if it was.

“Does Eli know?”

I don’t have to answer him and like the best friend he is, he says, “He’s going to love you through it all, Ax. I just know he is.”

“He will, right?”

“He will.”

He leaves me to get dressed and then fusses over an oil stain near my coat button all the way to the airport.

***

Ben cries the most, all the while telling me to quit my tears. I can’t. They won’t stop.

My phone buzzes inside my coat pocket. Eli. He’ll be at his office from ten a.m. to attend a meeting his mother had planned before she was hospitalized. If my flight is not delayed, I can go straight to his office and if my flight is delayed, I can go to his home and he'll meet me there.

“I’ll send you all the details once I’m there,” I promise Ben over and over.

Pepper gets a thousand hugs, which she returns enthusiastically, and soon we’re in the air.

Pepper sits quietly at my feet. I don’t know how to feel. So many things run through my mind. It doesn’t seem real that this is happening. I’m finally free from Frank. But this doesn’t feel like the victory I thought it would. Deep guilt seeps through my bones, and all I want to do is cry. I hadn’t even felt this kind of guilt when I was cheating on Frank.

Doubt is a living thing inside my head. If I’d tried harder, if I’d been more insistent that Frank go for therapy. Something. Anything.

But then…

I think about Eli. And I know that I’ve made the right decision. I made it while trembling in my boots, with so much fear and shame and uncertainty, but I did it.

Desperate to keep my mind from frazzling any further, I take out a notebook and a pen from my coat pocket. And then I write down everything I want to tell Eli, but may not have the courage to form the words when I see him.

Eli wanted to pick me and Pepper up at the airport, but I insisted that I can take an Uber. I want to do at least this for myself. I want to go to Eli on my own. Unaided.

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