Page 119 of The Sound Of Us

Yet, that person was nowhere to be found these last forty-eight hours. For the first time in my life, I felt like the most unstable human being on the planet. The hours at the hospital during my mother’s surgery, combined with not knowing where Axel was… I was losing my mind in chunks.

The light flickers. I walk to the door and open it for my assistant. Theresa gives me a small dip of her head, but her eyes shine with happiness when she can’t help sneaking a glance at Axel.

Axel is so nervous, it makes my heart swell.

She signs, “Hearing?” referring to Axel.

I nod.

She speaks to Axel, angling her face so I can still lip read.

“Hello, I’m Theresa, Eli’s assistant. It’s nice to meet you,” she says, extending her hand.

Axel takes her hand and tells Theresa it’s nice to meet her too.

She leaves with a smile, and I set the letter down and get to making Axel some tea. He scoots over to me to help.

I gently shoo him away, setting him down on the couch, and then hand him a cup of tea. I make it the way Mrs. Dalton makes it for us—extra sugar.

He takes the tea and watches me nervously as I lean my ass against the desk and open his letter.

Dear Eli,

Hello. My name is Axel St. James. That’s the name I was born with.

I reach behind me for a pen and strike out his name. Then, above it, I write Axel St. James Saxon. Because I will make him mine, but not at the cost of who he is.

The letter goes on.

My father left when me and my mom when I was a child. My mother tried to take care of me, but she struggled and became addicted to painkillers around the time I was first diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. She died of an accidental overdose when I was eighteen. She was a good mother.

I lift my eyes from the letter to gaze at the man I want to spend my life with. He’s staring into his tea. Compassion for him mixes with my hurt for him.

Just after she died, I went to a New Year’s church event. Frank asked me to lie down next to him. I fell asleep. He touched me inappropriately. I let him.

My fingers tighten around the paper. My world has been so small, so sheltered. I never would have imagined that people suffer like this. Frank needs to be in prison.

He asked me to marry him after two weeks. He was kind and loving. I was so desperate for someone to love me that I never saw the warning signs. If it were not for you, Eli, who showed me what love and kindness really was, I might still never have seen Frank for who he truly is.

I endured ten years of abuse. I made so many excuses in the past because I wanted to believe that Frank loved me like he said he did in the beginning. But now I know he never loved me. I think he is a narcissist, but I don’t think I’m qualified to throw around such big words. All I know is that he was cruel in ways I couldn’t even comprehend. His kindness after his cruelty confused me, and I now know the price I paid for those moments of kindness.

He blamed me for everything that went wrong. I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried. He kept me away from my friends and people I cared about, and I didn’t mind at first because it meant he wanted me all to himself and that’s all I ever wanted too, to be wanted. It’s only when I met you, Eli, that I realized that being wanted didn’t have to come with so many sacrifices.

I pick my head up again to look at Axel. He’s still looking into his cup of tea, both his hands wrapped around the cup. I want to gather him in my arms and never let anything from this awful world touch him ever again.

Frank threatened me with his gun repeatedly over the years. I was beaten with it several times. I lived ten years in fear for my physical safety.

Frank broke my spirit. My mother always called me a diamond. Frank took a diamond and turned it into a stone, and I let him. Until you, Eli.

You gave me the courage to see my life for what it was and what it could be.

I like to wear womens’ underwear. You know that already. I don’t know why except that it feels good. I’ll try to understand that part of me more. I also don’t have a driver’s license or a high school diploma, as you know. Frank told me I didn’t need those things because I had him.

Eli, I have to tell you something else. And after I’ve told you, I’ll respect any decision you make.

I’ve been in remission for a long time and I was sure I’ll remain that way. I felt strong and healthy. Recently, I’d been getting headaches and my skin began to bruise easily. My joints began to ache, and I wasn’t feeling well.

I wish there was an easier way to tell you this, Eli. There isn’t. But I know that I never want to keep anything from you.

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