Page 39 of The Sound Of Us

When he slips his hand into my boxers, I’ve already spilled my seed. I couldn’t stop it.

Eli pulls back, his eyes filled with wonder and his fist working my softening cock. My breathing comes in short gasps. Eli brings his semen covered fingers to my lips. Brushing slowly across my lips and my chin. Then he leans forward and licks across my parted lips. I groan with the salacity of it. Then he slips his tongue into my mouth. I gasp. I’ve never tasted my own cum before, but I suck my own semen off Eli’s tongue now with no consideration for the vileness of it. Frank and I never did these things.

Frank.

I push off Eli, stumbling as I scramble to get away.

What have I done?

My pants undone and my cock still half hard make me sick.

What have I done? What if Frank finds out?

Eli stands. He signs furiously, his forehead creasing severely, like he’s worried. I don’t understand.

All I can do is turn and flee like a coward. Pepper chases after me.

The discomfort in my pants is the last thing on my mind as I half sprint back to our house.

I grab a pair of sweats from the mobile clothes dryer on the porch and reach for the doorknob. The light from the bathroom offers some light into the darkened kitchen.

On the table is a plate of food, covered and next to the plate, a bag of nuts. Bile rises fast through my chest, sitting high in my throat. That bag of nuts usually cost a fortune, so I can have them only every couple of months. Frank knows they 're my favorite.

I rush to the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as possible. Frank must be in bed. He must have spent some of the gas money on that bag of nuts.

What have I done?

I study my face in the mirror. Flushed pink. From the race home or the evidence of my betrayal? My freckles stand out like accusing dots. I go to wash my face but—

My hands cupped with water below my chin, I pause. I don’t want to wipe away this… this… This what? This evidence? This aliveness on my face? My bright eyes? My reddened, swollen lips? My accusing freckles? It doesn’t make sense, this unwillingness to wash away my sins.

Just like I couldn’t bear the softness of Eli’s touch, now I can’t bear to erase the evidence of it.

I let the water fall through my fingers.

Reaching down to remove my pants and underwear, the unwillingness to get rid of the most damning evidence persists. My heart beats a mile a minute. There is no guilt. Fear exists, but not for what I’ve done. It’s for what Frank might do if he ever found out.

I dump my pants and underwear into the laundry basket and then snatch the items of clothing back.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

With a sickening pit in my stomach, I realize I don’t want to wash this evidence off, either. How sick am I?

I pull on a clean pair of sweats and, rolling the soiled clothes into a ball, I creep into the bedroom. The closet door creaks. Shit. Frank’s grinding snores continue without interruption. Like a psychotic fool, I shove my dirty clothes, covered in my semen, to the back of the bottom cubicle, my new hiding place. The evidence of my sins lies next to my single black lace panty and my box of my mother’s memories.

And then, I creep into bed, a shameless cheater, rounding my body in a fetal position and facing away from Frank.

Frank stirs. “Axel, sweetheart. You’re back,” he murmurs. His arm curls around my midsection, pulling me flush against him. I dare not breathe. What if he smells the sex on me? What if he smells Eli on me?

“Did you finish the book?” Frank nuzzles my ear.

“Yes,” I whisper. Does my voice sound like a cheater? It must. How can it not after what I’ve done?

“What happened at the end?” Big, rough hands slip into the waistband of my sweats.

“He died.”

“That’s a stupid story.” Frank’s fingers close around my cock. His hand feels like a violation. Like he has no right to touch me like this. It was different when Eli touched me. I hate myself. I reach to the nightstand and grab a bottle of lube. I have to fix this. But how, when only the thought of Eli makes my body burn while I lie right here next to my husband?

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