Page 51 of The Sound Of Us

“Uh, no. Let me just wash up these cups.” Which I proceed to do now that Eli had long since disappeared down the road.

“Keep that dog on a leash, Axel. I can’t be runnin’ out at five o’ clock in the morning after that mutt.”

“I’ll keep a better eye on her,” I tell Frank, because I can’t exactly tell him that Pepper has found a second home on the property round the bend and I don’t know how to keep myself out of that property, let alone Pepper.

“And that deaf guy is something, ain’t he?”

My hand pauses on the last cup. “What do you mean?”

“He’s just got that thing about him.”

“What thing?” I set the cup on the drying rack and turn to Frank. I shouldn’t be this interested.

“Like he’s better than everybody else.”

It almost makes it out of my mouth to tell Frank that Eli is the most easy going person I've met, but after what I’ve been doing the last few weeks, the last thing I need is to draw attention to myself by defending Eli. But not defending him feels like a… betrayal. I don’t like how it makes me feel to sit back and let someone misjudge Eli, but I guess this is how it is when you’re cheating.

I choose the option of self-preservation. I remain silent, not defending Eli, even though it sours my stomach.

Anyway, I get the feeling Frank doesn't like the fact the Eli isn't so easily impressed by him.

“Do you want me to put out another blanket for you?” I ask instead.

“Yeah, it’s gotten pretty cold this morning.”

“Okay.” I gather his breakfast dishes from the table and lay them in the sink.

“And anyway, where’d you get money to cut your hair?”

“Uh, from my week’s pay.” I smell trouble, so I add, “Do you want some tea before you turn in?”

“No. I thought your week’s pay was for the overdue gas bill.”

My eyes flit from Frank to the window with the sickening hope that Eli would magically reappear. When you’ve never known safety, it’s easy to navigate through the world. You just keep your guard up.

But what do you do when you’ve tasted that elusive sense of safety and then you have to leave it behind? When you know what it is to be seen, to be kept safe with not even one word spoken? Knowing how I feel when I’m with Eli makes being with Frank a hundred times harder. Every nuance of his is amplified because now I have something to compare it to.

“Ben gave me a little extra last week, so I could still get a haircut after I paid the bill.”

He sneers. And this too, a month ago, would have been just another normal twist of Frank’s mouth, his usual display of his disapproval of me. But today, that twist of his mouth feels… ugly. Not that it looks ugly, but that it feels ugly. Uglier than usual.

I feel it in the tighter knot in my chest. In the increased heaviness at the bottom of my stomach. The churn there is that much worse today. Because this is not how Eli is.

“You couldn’t have waited one more week to get the haircut? My money not worth waitin’ for anymore?”

I can’t tell for sure what caused the sudden change in Frank’s mood but if I were to guess, I’d say it’s because he felt a little small when he went over to Eli and doesn’t have to courage to deal with his own insecurities. And so, my haircut is the only way out.

“It’s not that, Frank.” I’m surprised at the firmness in my voice. Where has this courage suddenly come from?

Frank notices it too. He gives me a sharp look. “Don’t take that tone with me, Axel. Just because they throw some peanuts your way over there at the bookstore doesn’t mean you get to wag your little tail over here.”

Fear is there. I can feel it. But there is something else sitting next to the thing that keeps me bound to Frank. I don’t have the word to describe it, but maybe it feels like rebellion.

Like something shoots up inside my chest, causing me to inhale sharply and deeply through flared nostrils. This feeling scares me. I am not strong enough inwardly or outwardly to beat Frank at anything. Where is this rebellion coming from?

“Sorry, Frank. I meant to say you asked me to have the haircut ages ago already. I didn’t want to burden you, so I decided to do it on my own.”

“You’ve been burdening me ever since you got the cancer, so what’s the difference now?”

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