Page 68 of The Sound Of Us

“I’m swapping a few shifts again this and next week,” he says. There’s no reference to Friday’s episode. It’s like it never happened. Frank is nonchalant. Friendly, even. Anyone looking into this scene would see an ordinary couple doing ordinary things before leaving for work.

But Frank is not the only one. I, too, am behaving like nothing happened on Friday night.

I just can’t decide which one of us is worse. Abuser or Adulterer?

“Okay,” I reply. While I’m able to ignore the growing ache in my head, I’m not able to ignore the leap of my heart that Frank won’t be here some nights.

He hands me a cup of coffee, a gentle gesture offered with a kind smile. I search my conscience for some measure of guilt for Friday night and I find none.

Frank being nice to me like this makes me even angrier than when he’s abusive. The absolute dismissal of what he’s done to me makes my blood boil. Only to be cooled down by the fact that there is something that I’ve done that could get me and Eli killed.

Frank comes to stand in front of me. The urge to step back is frightening. And when the back of his fingers graze my cheek, I brace myself.

“You’re so beautiful, Ax. I love you so much.”

If I thought Frank’s open palm slicing across my cheek was awful, this is worse. Frank’s ‘love’ for me is worse than anything I can imagine. I’d begged and pleaded for ten years for him to love me. Yet now, it feels vile.

He leans forward just as the honk of a horn sounds outside, indicating his ride. I turn away under the pretence of being distracted by the horn. Because to kiss Frank is to betray to Eli.

He pulls my face back to his and pushes his lips hard onto mine, and then leaves them with a smacking sound. He gives me a broad smile and heads for the door. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Axel,” he calls from the door.

I drop onto the chair, wondering how people who cheat usually navigate through their affairs.

All I know is that Eli consumes me. Nothing else exists. I’m in so deep I don’t care for consequences anymore.

Eli lifted the veil, showing me what it could be like to be happy. He removed the veil and let me see myself. The good me. The me that’s worth it. The me I’m not allowed to be when I’m with Frank. In Eli, through Eli, I see the me I’ve never met. And to see that me is so heartbreaking, I can’t bear to look sometimes. I’m afraid that Eli might love me. And then, I’m afraid of how much he might love me. But the thing I’m most terrified of is how much I might love him if I let myself.

But I’m so starved for it, I’ll drink from this well of infidelity like a dying man.

With a sigh, I grab my umbrella and follow Frank out. There is a slight drizzle outside. Nothing to worry about. I’ve walked in this weather several times.

Frank is getting into Kenny’s car. Kenny greets me from the car and leans sideways. “Hey Axel, you want a lift? James says hi, by the way.”

The drizzle has picked up, but only slightly. “You sure?” I call back. I ignore his comment about James and I don’t even dare look to see what Frank thinks about it.

“It’s just a slight drizzle. He’ll be fine,” Frank says as he climbs into the passenger seat. “Besides, you know how people become brain dead on the road when it’s raining and forget how to drive. Let’s go; we’ll be late.”

But before Kenny can back out, a black SUV swings into our yard, blocking Kenny in.

Eli hops off the vehicle and walks around. I stand there stupidly with my umbrella over my head, alternating between terror and elation. It takes superhuman strength not to behave like a cheating asshole. I avert my eyes, keeping them off Eli.

He walks around the hood and heads straight for me. My heart thunders in my chest. What is he doing?

He signs to me as he walks, his gait confident and relaxed. Hello beautiful, he says with his hands.

If Frank had not exited the car right then, I might have allowed the stars in my eyes to shine.

“Did Pepper get away again?” Frank asks me and then flicks his eyes between me and Eli.

I cast a gaze around the yard. If Pepper ran up to Eli’s place, he’d have brought her back. So, she’s probably out in the woods chasing squirrels.

“No, I don’t think so,” I say.

Eli frowns. Frank is facing away from him; he didn’t catch what Frank said.

“Is it Pepper?” I ask Eli.

He shakes his head.

---