Page 71 of The Sound Of Us

As for Mrs. Dalton’s confession over the weekend about Axel being sick, the only comfort I have is the fact that, well, he didn’t look sick but I’m not entirely sure how to leave it to Axel to open up on his own. A tight ball sits in my chest when I think about how sick he must have been at some point of his life.

I must have dozed off at some point. The vibration of my phone in my hand rouses me from my sleep with a text from Axel.

Hi, it says.

My heart leaps. An unfamiliar reaction.

Hi, I type back immediately.

Axel: Thank you for the phone. It looks so expensive. I’ll keep it safe at work until I have to give it back.

The last part of the text ties my stomach into knots. I answer his subtext with one of his own.

Me: You’re welcome. I won't want it back.

Axel: I can’t keep such an expensive thing after you’ve gone back.

I’m not one to beat around the bush, but this time, I’m unsure about my next response. I send it, but without the usual confidence I’d have felt in other situations.

Me: I’m taking you with me when I go back.

He doesn’t respond for several minutes and I watch my screen like a teenage boy, filled with dread and horror and panic, and a million questions racing through my mind.

Do I say sorry, I didn’t mean it? Even when I do?

Do I wait for him to say something first?

This, too, is something new. This… uncertainty. This constriction in my chest telling me that I don’t entirely control this situation and the nagging thought that if something went wrong, I wouldn’t be able to walk away as easily as I’d done with previous relationships.

He finally responds.

Axel: I'm scared, Eli.

Before I can take in the content of the text, I pause to notice how his use of my first name sends something skating down my spine. This thing is warm and makes me smile. It’s like I can hear him speak my name. Then I read his text, and respond using his name, hoping it will have the same effect on him.

Me: I'll keep you safe. I promise.I want you, Axel. Every part of you.

I’m referring to his medical history too, but of course, he doesn’t know that.

Axel: There’s this book I need to finish reading…

Again that leap in my heart and the uncontrollable smile spreading across my face.

Me: I’ll bring you those nuts you like so much.

Axel: You don’t have to.

Me: And I’ll kiss you all night.

He turns it playful: What about my book?

Me: I won’t kiss your book.

Axel: *a string of laughing emojis

Me: *a single heart

Axel: *a single heart

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