Page 98 of The Sound Of Us

I sigh. It sounds so much worse when someone else says it. “Yeah. So, he started coming out to the lake and we got talking.”

Ben frowns.

I laugh. “Well, I talk and he reads my lips or we text.”

“Okay, and then?”

I run my hands through my hair. “Ben, he’s just… amazing.”

Ben grins. “He treats you good?”

I nod. “It’s so different being with him, Ben. I feel… not scared all the time. Like I can just be me. Not like with Frank where it's always like nothing is ever good enough.”

“Frank’s a fuckin’ narcissistic asshole. I hate what he did to you. Even when you started getting sick, you were always so happy. You laughed all the time, and you were never so withdrawn.”

“Yeah. I see that now. I see how much I changed after Frank. I can’t believe I never saw it before. I think I was always just so grateful he was there, you know. I finally had someone.”

“I know it’s not the same, Ax, but you always had us too. Me. Mrs. Dalton.” He laughs. “Pepper, too. But yeah, I get it.”

“Sometimes I worry I’m just using Eli to feel good about myself. That I’ve become addicted to his kindness and his care because he’s the total opposite of Frank. And that scares me. It’s like Eli’s… too perfect. I mean, Ben, would I have been attracted to Eli if Frank had been good to me?”

“Who knows? There are a million ways things can happen. We don’t get to have a preview of every single possible outcome. This is your journey. All the could-have-been’s aren’t relevant. Frank isn’t and never has been kind to you. He never respected you. That’s the reality of it. And that’s the only reality you can base your decisions on. And I’m sure Eli isn’t perfect. What he is, is just a good human being. We all should just be good human beings.”

“Hey, why are you so smart today?” I chuckle.

He doesn’t take it so lightly. “Do you know what it’s like watching someone you care about get treated like that and there’s nothing you can do about it?”

I sidestep the question even though I know it’s rhetorical. “So… you don’t think I’m going to hell for this?”

Ben throws a damaged book at me. I catch it in mid-air. “I think you’re going to heaven every time you’re with Eli.”

I throw the book back at him. “Shut up, Ben. Lame.” But I laugh because it feels so good to talk to him about it.

“So what now, Ax? What’s the plan?”

“I’m going to leave Frank.” Saying it out loud doesn’t bring the relief I thought it would. All it does is bring more fear.

“I can’t say I’m sad about it, Ax. I’ll help you any way you need me, okay?”

We’re silent for a time and then, Ben asks, “What will you do if he finds out? Like, before you leave?”

“I’ll try not to get killed,” I joke. But it’s not funny. Ben doesn’t laugh either.

“How soon can you leave? Will you go with him? Or meet him there?”

“He’s going to help me get a divorce as soon as possible. I’m the worst person on earth, right? Living with Frank and planning to leave him like this.”

“I don’t think there’s another way, Ax. And that doesn’t make you a bad person. Just someone who’s backed into a corner.”

I scrub my hand down my face. “This is my story, Ben, but I’m still the villain. There’s no version of this story that can exist where I get to be the hero. Because heroes don’t cheat, right?”

“Then be the best fuckin’ villain you can be. Fuck being the hero. Do whatever it takes to be happy.”

“Even betray my own husband?”

“Yes. Because he’s never once given you a safe place for… anything. You’re sitting here, doing this with Eli because he might literally beat you to fuckin' death if you tried to leave in peace. How does he deserve any kind of loyalty?”

Ben leans against the cabinet, watching me while I contemplate his wise words.

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