Cassie daintily grabbed the top of her luggage, extended the handle, and quipped, “I know where to go. It’s not like I’ve never been here.” She beamed in my direction. “Hi, Jay.”
I waved with my knife-laden hand. “Hi, Cas.”
“Whatcha cookin’?” she asked as she walked her suitcase across the living area.
As per all things in my life, I typically would have that planned out before I went chopping away. However, with the knowledge that Cassie was soon to be arriving with her brother, who was none the wiser regarding our closeness, I was terribly on edge. I checked her phone’s location several times while waiting, and when they were just down the street, I decided that busying my hands would be the smartest course of action. The red of the bell pepper caught my eye before anything else in my fridge, and I began to slice without a second thought to its purpose.
“Uh,” I hesitated. “Stir fry.”
“It’s early for dinner,” she noted with a smile, “but I haven’t eaten.”
Ambling past the kitchen table to me, Liam called out, “He’s not cooking for you, Cas!”
All I heard was her soft laughter as she disappeared around the corner, and Liam stopped his steps when he reached the opposite end of the island. He looked to me apologetically, rubbing at his neck, and I set my knife down with purpose.
“I have no problem cooking for two, Liam.”
His arm fell to his side. “I, ah, think I owe you on this one.”
Guilt swarmed me. “Nah, you don’t owe me a thing.”
Liam murmured, “I know how Cas can be.”
It was then, more than any other point, that I was tempted to come clean. To look Liam directly in his eyes, which were so like his sister’s, and let the bomb drop. It may come with inevitable, metaphorical shrapnel…but it would be worth it. Our found family dynamic could shift, sure…but only slightly. I simply wouldn’t allow the explosion of an admission to crumble everything that we all had to the ground, after all.
I couldn’t do it, though.
His expression was so…so mentally tired that any prepared words that I had for him remained lodged in my throat. Concern over the potential peril regarding the two most important women in his life was so clearly shown on his face that it was palpable. It didn’t seem fair for me to unload what was on my shoulders when I knew it would be directly transferred to his. And that’s exactly where this confession would land—heavily on his shoulders because there was no chance in hell that he would immediately understand and be delighted at our seeing each other.
No matter how gently I worded it or how verbose I was about the care I had for Cassie, he was bound to twist the pertinent details into phrases such as:
I screwed your sister.
No, it wasn’t just a one-time thing.
Yes, I’m going to happily continue sticking it to her.
Oh, and she fucking loves it.
No—I couldn’t allow the burdensome, even betrayed thoughts that would come afterward to ruminate in his mind. Not now, when he was looking like a lost puppy—a rather large puppy who nearly looked down on me due to his stature, but a puppy nonetheless.
Instead, I made sure to catch his eye and truthfully said, “I’m glad she’s here. This shit’s messy.” Liam gave me a smile that looked near-pained, and I rephrased, “More than messy—fuckin’ nerve-wracking. I’m glad she’s here.” I stated the last sentence with more gumption, Liam seemed to soften a bit, and I joked, “Even if she does eat all of my food.”
I casually picked up my knife, continuing to slice vertical strips from the pepper and concentrating on the rocking motion of the blade. Liam’s quiet chuckle brought a small smile to my lips, and he yelled to Cassie:
“You’re goin’ to buy groceries tomorrow!
Her laughing, “Yeah, yeah,” was muffled from beyond the walls of the bedroom.
Liam exhaled heavily, murmuring, “Thank you.”
I slid the backside of the blade across the cutting board to move the cut pieces to the right-hand side, glanced up to see that his words were directed at me rather than his sister, and quickly shook my head.
“You don’t need to thank me.”
Liam hesitated as if he weren’t quite sure what to say. I contemplated whether I wanted to dice the pepper strips before me, and he said:
“You’re a good friend, Jay.”