Page 59 of August

He lifted his shoulder, the movement jostling her a bit. “The shit that plagues my mind isn’t for the faint of heart.”

She wet her bottom lip. “Tell me.” His warning didn’t sway her. Given Ivy’s disappearance a few months ago and her own hell with the cartel, she should want to run from anything he deemed heavy. But she didn’t. When it came to August, she always wanted more. His holding back his suffering was like a cruel twist of a sword in her chest. “Please,” she added, when he didn’t respond.

He turned his head and kissed her palm then gently circled his hand around her wrist and moved it to his pec. “I get—I don’t know. Bursts of memories from the jungle. Just consumes me for a bit and I can’t settle my mind. I came in the bedroom and just... needed you, I guess.” His words hung heavily in the room.

“You mean when you were on that mission?” The one he’d left her for. Correction. He didn’t leave you, dummy. He left. Big difference. There was no you and him.

His rough knuckles scraped over his beard. “Yeah. It was hell.”

“What was the purpose of the mission?”

A couple of seconds passed. “I’m not supposed to share classified information, but seeing as how I’m no longer in black ops...” He sighed. “The mission was to take out a warlord.”

Gigi fought the urge to squirm. The thought of the danger August had been in made her skin crawl.

“And we did. Found him in South America. Middle of the fucking jungle in an isolated compound,” he added with a snort. “Fucking bastard.”

“So what happened?”

“We killed his whole team. Dropped an IED and leveled part of the jungle.” Tension radiated off his body, the sated ease long gone from the firm muscles beneath her. “The government didn’t tell us we’d be taking out his family, too.”

A little gasp rasped from her lips. “No.”

“Wife and four children.”

“Ohmigod.”

“Of course by the time we knew, it was all done. But the screams. Fuck.” He covered his face with the breadth of his hand, and deep, shuddering breaths made his chest rattle.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I led the mission.”

“You didn’t know.” She caught his cheek in her hand and boosted her weight onto her arm, forcing him to look at her. “August, you didn’t know.”

His eyes glittered like green pebbles beneath a clear stream, and the pain rippling in his irises the current. “No, I didn’t.” His voice was strong despite the tightness to his mouth. “But part of me knows...” He shook his head and looked toward the window.

“What?” she pressed.

“Part of me knows,” he continued, his speech slow and careful, “that had I known about his family, the outcome might not have been different.”

Ice filled the air. Dismay curled around Gigi’s spine, but she didn’t let his statement draw her away. Instead, she leaned forward and kissed his mouth. “I don’t believe that for a minute.”

“No? Because we were all half fucking dead out there. We knew they’d execute each one of us if we were spotted. It was an us-or-them situation.”

She swallowed. “You’re speaking your fears aloud. Afraid you wouldn’t have made a different decision had you known. Which is normal.”

His eyes bored into hers. “How do you know?”

She shimmied closer and rested her forehead on his. “Because the August I know protects people. You killing the warlord was a matter of protecting Americans. Doing a service. A really hard one. You didn’t kill for fun that day, and you almost died in the process.” She smoothed her thumb over the strong arch of his cheekbone. “No. The August I know wouldn’t have hurt a woman and children. You’re not capable of it.”

“But I did.”

“Would you now?”

“No,” he barked.

“Then you wouldn’t have then. Plain and simple.”

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