Page 51 of Princess Claimed

“I’m glad I was your first something,” he says. “Especially that.” His voice broadcasts his pride, and I’m glad that I told him.

“Still,” his voice lowers, “I’m ashamed by how it happened.”

I nod.

“I don’t get why I did that. I was so angry.” He pauses. “I hated how I felt whenever I was around you. How I felt when you paid Blade so much attention. I couldn’t make sense of it, so I tried to squash the feelings the only way I knew how. With anger. With violence.” He hugs my upper body, pulling me even more tightly against his chest.

“You invaded our lives,” he continues. “You fucked everything up. And the more time passed the angrier I got. I hated how my brothers kept breaking our code. And I blamed you for that. And yet…” He draws a deep breath. “This is the most confusing part… As much as I hated you, and resented how you’d made them break our code, I wanted to be the one breaking it. I wanted to be the one fucking you.”

I trail my fingers over a ridge of muscle high on his forearm.

“And that’s even before I found out how you’d lied,” he adds.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t as angry about that as I acted. Shit. Ana. The things I feel around you—” He cuts off again.

“Tell me,” I say softly. “Whatever you want to say—bad or good—I want to hear it.”

“I’ve changed since I met you.” His voice rumbles deep inside me. “I’m a different person. And I resent you for that too.”

I’ve caused Phil so much pain. I’d do anything to make him feel better, but I should let him finish explaining first. Unless he is finished?

“You make me feel more alive,” he says, “but also like I might die. I want you gone, out of our lives, but I fucking need you. I need to you breathe, Ana, to survive. But I don’t need anyone. Not even my brothers.” His voice is hard now, and he’s speaking quickly.

“That day you left us at the baths, I told myself, ‘Good riddance’. I told myself we were lucky to be rid of you, but in truth—” His voice breaks, and I wait patiently, hoping he’ll finish his sentence.

“I fucking died that day.” His voice fills with so much pain it hurts me too.

“The moment you left, my guts were ripped right out of my belly; a thousand stakes penetrated my chest, but not one struck my heart, not one put me out of my misery.”

I gasp. For a guy who claims he’s not great with words, his meaning seems very clear. And violently poetic.

“And then it got even worse,” he continues. “When we found Timur’s body, when I didn’t know where you were, or who had you, or if you were in danger.” His heart is thumping so hard.

“I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t take a breath the whole time you were gone. And when we found you. When I saw you with that monster… Saw what he’d done to you, what he was planning to do…”

One of Phil’s arms releases from my hold, and his massive hand, hot and warm, spans my belly extending up between my breasts as he pulls me more closely against his chest. I can feel my heart thumping against his palm. His thumping against my back.

“Since the day I met you, I’ve been terrified. Scared all the fucking time. And I don’t get scared. I didn’t get why at first, but I was terrified that something might happen to you, or that you’d hate me, or that I’d lose you. But…at the same time. Shit.”

“What?” My voice is breathless. My mind swimming with my own confused emotions as I start to comprehend his.

“I’ve gone fucking mad, Ana. Nothing makes sense anymore, and yet it’s like I see the world clearly for the very first time.” I feel his head shake behind me. “Every time I have a thought, I have another one that’s opposite.”

“You can tell me all of them.”

“I’m terrified that you hate me, and yet I do things to make you hate me.” His breath licks my neck, making me tingle all over.

“And the craziest thing… As terrified as I’ve felt, I’ve never felt so safe. Not ever. And even that doesn’t make sense because I wasn’t aware of not feeling safe before.”

His body stiffens. “I’ve never been afraid, not since I was a wee lad—at least that’s what I thought—but now… Fuck. I can see that a low hum of terror has been there my whole life. It’s like I didn’t know I was in danger until I was safe. Like I didn’t know I was lost until I was found. Shit, Ana— I sound fucking crazy.”

“No, no you don’t.” My heart’s in my throat making it hard to speak. “You don’t sound crazy. Not to me. Because that’s how I feel, too.” My heart is thumping out of my chest, and I remember the advice Selina and Ember gave me when I was trying to sort out my feelings for Timur.

Back then, I hoped they could offer advice to help me fall in love with Timur, but the more my sister and friend described their love for their mates, the more I knew I didn’t love Timur. That I never would.

What Phil is describing sounds like love. And he’s right. It doesn’t make sense. Up to tonight, he’s shown me nothing but disdain. Until hours ago, we hated each other.

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