I nod and heat flashes through me.
“Let’s start again. So, Phil loves you, and you love him. Is he possessive?”
“Understatement.” I nod, signaling the magnitude with my eyes.
“Oh, I get it then.” She leans back. “Phil refuses to share you.” She squeezes my hands. “Is he asking you to choose?”
“No. No. It’s not like that.” I shake my head. “I love them all—at least I think I might—and if by some miracle they all want to be with me?—”
“Why would that be a miracle?”
Smiling, I shrug. “It would be a miracle. Because all four of the men are amazing, and each fits with me in their own way. Bits of our histories are similar, and all of them see me, they all understand me, and I’m beginning to understand each of them too.” I draw a deep breath. “Finding one person like that seems like a miracle, but four?”
“Oh, honey.” Selina shifts toward me. “You are definitely in love.”
My entire body smiles back at her, but then reality sets in, and I remember why I wanted to talk to Selina.
“Are they in love with you?” she asks. “I mean, besides Phil?”
“Maybe?” I draw a long breath. “At least I think so?” Flame and Blade said the words on the plane, but it’s just as likely they were talking to each other. “And they’ve all been happy to share my affections. Physically, I mean.”
Her eyebrows rise a few times, and my cheeks burn.
Looking down, I consider each one of my relationships. “Even if Crusher does love me, he’d never admit it. He’s the leader, although he won’t admit to that either.” I laugh to myself. Crusher’s feelings are beyond closed off, but I have to believe I can smash through the stone walls around his heart.
“And I’m pretty sure Blade loves me. If love at first sight exists, I think that happened with Blade. And Flame…We connected over childhood trauma and…” My cheeks are literally on fire now, thinking of all that’s happened between me and Flame.
“So far, all this sounds great,” Selina says. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really wrong.”
“I…” I shake my head. “Given my royal duties, I can’t see how I have room in my life for even one relationship, never mind four. Plus, they’ve got their own lives.” I bite my lower lip, still not wanting to explain what the brothers do for a living. Did for a living, I hope.
But Selina would never betray me, so I don’t think she’d betray them either, but… “They’ve…they’ve committed crimes, Selina. I’m pretty sure they’ve even killed other vampires as part of their jobs. But it’s what they were trained to do from when they were little boys,” I add quickly. “They didn’t learn vampiric laws and didn’t know they were breaking any.”
That last part is a bit of a stretch. They knew. At least they eventually figured it out. I still don’t know how or why they left the vampire they call their master. “Their Maker is the one who should face penalties for the bad things they’ve done.”
“Is that the problem?” she asks. “You can’t get over their sketchy pasts?”
I shake my head.
“What is it then?”
I shift onto my knees. “How can I be sure I’m in love? How can I be sure they love me. And if we are in love, how can I be sure it will last? And how would our lives work? Where would we live? Would I still be able to work for the council? With the transition from monarchy to democracy in process, there’s so much work to do. Plus, I want to see the world.” Everything spills out on a single breath.
Selina pulls me into a hug to stop it, then sits back. “Have you talked to the men about these questions?”
I shake my head.
“Talk to them.” She squeezes my hands. “If you five love each other, you’ll figure all of it out. I promise you that. Look at me and my mates.” A smile washes over her face. “Gray broke his life-long vow to the Knights of Sanguis; Rock sold his bar that he loved; Colton quit the police force and is considering transitioning, becoming a creature he used to despise; and Pike.” She laughs. “Well, you know Pike.”
I nod. Of all of Selina’s mates, although not in appearance, Phil is the one most similar to Selina’s Pike. Every pore of Pike’s and Phil’s bodies broadcasts menace. But Phil is a million times more handsome. Plus, Phil is funny on top of being scary. At least when he wants to be.
I’m biased. I’m sure Pike is handsome in Selina’s eyes, even with his fierce amber eyes and plethora of scars.
And in spite of her initial skepticism, Selina has given me hope. I still have no idea how it might look, but she’s opened my eyes to a possible future, one where the five of us could stay together. But the glimpse seems fragile, and if I think about it too much, my fantasies might crack.
“So, what’s been going on with you?” I change the subject. “Did Rock ever find his people?” Hearing about Selina’s adventures might keep my mind off my dubious future, not to mention the immediate dangers Phil and Crusher are facing.
Chapter