Page 159 of Talk Nerdy To Me
His brow knits together again as he sits up, elbows moving to his knees.
“However, I’m incapable of making a decision that big on the spot. It’s not as easy for me as it is for you to adapt, progress, and realize things so abruptly. Hindsight helps me with clarity and processing. I’m sorry for that,” I tell him as honestly as I can.
He scrubs his face again with both hands and makes some sound, but I press on.
“It’s me, Base. It’s just me,” I go on as he sits quietly. “I can’t do what I can’t do, and it’s not that easy for me to take a leap of faith until I’ve thoroughly calculated the distance I’m leaping to the best of my ability.”
I wipe away the one tear that falls, stepping back so far that I run out of room to move without leaving the tent.
“You have such extreme emotions. In one bad day where I simply piled onto your problems, you were ready to throw it all away. Honey Bee assured me you would have bounced back and been back on target within a few days. Now it’s clear I made it worse by trying to fix it, because it’s starting to feel like you think you owe me something.”
He exhales heavily as he studies me.
“That’s not at all why I’m here right now, Britt. And that’s sure as hell not when I realized I loved you. I should have told you immediately instead of holding back, so that we could avoid this little misunderstanding.”
I mentally flip to a new explanation, because I’m still apparently guiding this entire conversation wrong.
“You’re intense with every single emotion,” I go on, trying to ignore the growing pang in my own chest. “It’s my favorite thing about you. You have this fascinatingly quick way of processing emotion, and it’s so intense that you act on it in ways I never can. I weigh down your highs, and the first time you had a low, I just pushed you down harder because I need more time than most people to process emotions. This isn’t about you being all wrong for me. This is about me being a very unhealthy life decision for you.”
His brow starts to furrow again as he reaches back and randomly pulls out his wallet, opening it up.
“Here’s what really happened. Please hear me out on this,” I say when he starts to act distracted.
When I have most of his attention, I go on.
“Bo convinced Vince to mentor you and to start it in a way that kept your integrity intact. That way you wouldn’t be able to turn it down. The only person you’d feel resentment toward would be me, and it would cause you to avoid me, and I could move on with the solace that I didn’t completely mess it all up for you. You don’t owe me anything, Base. After I calmed down that first night, I realized quickly that I was the one who owed you.”
He blinks at me a couple of times before weirdly tossing a condom to the bedding. Is he cleaning out his wallet right now? Really?
“That’s almost diabolical,” he finally says as his face stays expressionless.
I don’t know how to respond to that.
He slowly stands, wallet still open as he just stares at me.
“It’s very messy. All of it. Things just keep escalating beyond my control, leaving me no choice but to explain it so thoroughly that you’re left with no choice but to understand. Especially since Harley is unrepentantly meddling,” I tell him. “I feel the urge to apologize for that.”
“Yeah. Sure,” he states like he’s not really listening, nodding absently.
“There’s no need in rectifying the relationship chart issues. I’m sorry you ever saw that. You’ve done nothing wrong. We just simply reached an impasse because I can’t do what I can’t do, even when you deserve it. Do you finally understand, or have I just made it worse?” I ask him, trying to find his eyes, but he just stares at the floor for a second.
His wallet claps the ground and startles me, and I struggle for the next words when he tugs his shirt over his head.
I try really hard to focus on my words instead of his body. He’s always doing things at odd times, so it’s not all that surprising that he’s apparently decided to change for bed now.
“I’ve been so relieved that the tour went good for you. I’m glad you’re happy. Maybe one day—”
“So when you said you’re not ready for a relationship, you actually meant you’re not able to meet my expectations,” he states very calmly as he starts undoing his jeans.
“That wording and tone makes it sound like you’re still the one who thinks he’s in the wrong. Don’t do that,” I tell him with a frown. “Do I need to start all over?”
He drops his jeans and steps out of them, eyes seeming to stare at nothing in particular as he runs his hand over his jaw. It’s the look he gets when he’s lost in thought.
“No. I think I finally get what you’re saying,” he states in as an indecipherable look crosses his features and he seems to roll his eyes at himself, the way Dane does when he forgets his phone, keys, or wallet.
Does he know his wallet is on the ground?
I try not to look at his body. It’s very distracting in this moment. I should have sent an email with all the listed arguments and counterpoints to his arguments and counterpoints.
