Page 32 of Sinned

And now, as I stood in front of my mentor’s church, I let my faith guide me once more. With her sweet taste lingering on my tongue, I reminded myself that I was there not just as a priest, but as a man.

The tall door creaked as I entered the church. I passed through the narthex and towards the stairs. The old fashioned confessional had been moved to the basement chapel decades ago.

I opened the door and sat on the small chair that faced the kneeler. In front of me was the thin screen that shielded the confessor from the priest. It had been a long time since I sat on this side. Father Liam slid open the window and I recognized his profile through the screen as he leaned towards me.

I wondered what I would say. I hadn’t confessed in years and whenever Liam asked me about Peru, I lied to him. I was there for one reason and for that I felt I needed to give him my confession.

Liam cleared his throat to signal me to begin. Without thinking, I reverted to the old ways of how I was taught as a child. The same way Ava came back into my life.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned,” I said. “It has been over six years since my last confession.”

“Charles? What’s with the formalities?” Liam said. He turned and looked directly at the screen as if he was seeing me, but I knew he couldn’t. “If you need to confess you can do that in my office.”

“You were here and it felt appropriate. I haven’t been honest with you and it goes back to my time in Peru.”

Liam sighed. “Are you having those thoughts again, Charles?”

“I’m not here to confess my thoughts,” I said. “I’m here to confess every look, touch, and taste of her. And as God as my witness, I don’t regret any of it.”

The words spilled from my lips faster than I expected, but once they started I couldn’t stop. The confessional door opened with Father Liam looking down at me. I couldn’t read his expression, but maybe I didn’t want to. I had already made my decision so it didn’t matter what he thought.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.

I rose and looked at my friend in the eye. I expected to see disappointment, perhaps anger, instead I saw a calmness I wasn’t used to from the short tempered man. Without a word I followed him out of the chapel.

As we exited the church, the bright sunlight momentarily blinded me. Across the street the children continued playing without a care in the world. Ava was still there with Christopher, but she didn’t see me.

People smiled and nodded as we walked past. We were celebrities in the small town. And even though we walked in our ordinary black shirts and pants, we might as well have worn billboards proclaiming us as priests.

Once we were further from the church, Liam pulled the white plastic clerical collar from his neck and slipped it into his pocket. He gave me a look with a jerk of his head for me to do the same.

“We are only men now,” he said as we entered a darkened bar on the street corner.

Liam slid into a curved booth in the corner and raised two fingers at the bartender. After a couple of beers were left on the table, Liam took a long drink, leaned back, and looked at me. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and while I knew we were there because he knew I needed to talk, I needed to make sure he was okay before I told him about her.

“You look confused,” he said.

“I’m not. I just didn’t expect you to act this way.”

“Charles, we’ve known each other for years now. You’re like the younger brother I never had. And whether this is wrong or not, I’d strongly caution you about talking about this to anyone else.”

“I need to confess so that you’ll understand what happened. That’s important to me, Liam.”

“You can keep this to yourself and no one would ever know.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I’m leaving the Church.”

Liam stared at me in silence, his face held no emotion. As the bartender put the beers down on the table, he picked his up and took a drink.

“You’re a braver man than I,” he said. “Are you sure?”

“I love her. It’s that simple. I can’t be without her. These past six years have been torture thinking about her and wishing I made a different decision. I should have stayed with her. I should have left then.”

“It’s a hard decision to make. When we get the call, it’s unlike anything. But having to keep ourselves from human contact, from emotional bonds, just in the name of celibacy is difficult. The bible doesn’t even say we need to be celibate.”

I wanted to ask Liam if he had his own story, but it didn’t feel right. He stared into his beer and then took a sip.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I understand how you feel, but know that you don’t need to tell me everything.”

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