Page 34 of She's the Star

She probably doesn’t believe me, but she lets it go. “And how is Nolan? Is he still working out?”

“Umm, yes,” I respond as I toy with a string that has come loose on the white duvet that covers my bed.

She hears what I don’t say and gently asks, “What happened?”

“Nolan is great, but I…uh…think I made a mistake.” She doesn’t respond. She was the same way when I was a kid, not pressing, just waiting for me to gather my thoughts. “It’s kind of a long story, but the highlights are, I told Teddy I was dating Nolan. Nolan overheard me and offered to be my fake boyfriend. Instead of refusing, I agreed and then when I came home to find Nolan and Teddy chatting while Maddy was sleeping, I climbed into Nolan’s lap and kissed him.”

She lets me keep rambling as I keep tugging at the string. It continues to unravel which feels entirely appropriate. “He kissed me back and it was wow, but when we finally stopped, we were both in a state. My wits were scattered, and he fled as quickly as he could as if he was horrified. He’s really nice, you know? And he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend like it was no big deal, but I’m sure he didn’t realize I’d attack him like that.”

“Hmm…he kissed you back?”

“Mom. You’re kind of missing the point.”

“Am I?” She’s giving me the benefit of the doubt. In this case, I’m not sure I deserve it.

“He’s Maddy’s nanny. I shouldn’t have lied to Teddy. I shouldn’t be pretending Nolan is my boyfriend. And I never should have kissed him like that. What about consent? What about propriety?” The string suddenly springs free, but the duvet doesn’t look any different. There are no holes or open seams, just a long white string between my fingers.

“What did he say after the kiss?” she asks.

“He told me about Maddy, and then said he had to be somewhere. We couldn’t exactly talk about it while Teddy was watching us,” I admit as I drop the string on the nightstand.

“Okay? What did he say when you called him?”

“I didn’t call him.” My voice is almost shrill.

“Texted him?”

“I can’t text him about this!”

“Amber.” Her voice is sharp now. “You haven’t talked to him?”

“I can’t. I don’t know what to say other than sorry.”

“Yes, you do. Ask him if he’s okay. Tell him how you’re feeling. Discuss what happened.”

“I can’t.”

“Because of Teddy?”

“Noooo,” I groan. “Because I liked kissing him, okay? I wanted to keep kissing him, but I shouldn’t—I can’t. I’m his boss. And I’m not relationship material.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because of Maddy. Because of the tour. Because I’m Amber Hope.”

She scoffs. “You going to stay single forever? I might not have met Nolan, but I can’t imagine any of those reasons would deter him. I understand that you’re his boss, and the power structure of that might make things awkward sometimes, but you’re an adult and he’s an adult. If you want to kiss him, and he wants to kiss you, you should be kissing. All the time.” She pauses. “Or most of the time. When you’re in private.”

“Ugh,” I groan, still unable to believe that for a second I forgot Teddy was even there.

She finishes with, “Plus, you’re wonderful. He’d be crazy if he didn’t like you.”

And that, right there, is why I tell her things. Her support steadies me. “You’re biased.” I sound exasperated, but I’m not. “What if he quits?”

“Then you apologize and discuss it with him.” She pauses and then hits me with, “Avoiding your feelings is not going to make them go away.”

Her advice is sound, but even though I know I should call him, I don’t.

TWELVE

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