Page 40 of She's the Star

I don’t flinch, but I want to. I hate when someone reminds me that she’s a baby as if my expectations for her are ridiculous. “I know.”

Mina’s eyebrow shoots up at my sharp tone.

“I’m just surprised they left,” I say in a calmer voice, so she knows I’m not mad at her. “I’m not used to performing with Maddy backstage, and I was eager to see her, that’s all.”

Mom guilt is real and it pulses through me. Nolan reminded me that women in all walks of life struggle to reconcile their professional goals with their need to be there for their children so I know the way I’m feeling isn’t particularly unique. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

In general, I think I handle guilt and stress as well as anyone. Maybe even better. But right now, I’m inundated with both. What if Maddy hates being on tour? What if the lack of structure on the road makes her miserable? What if my lifestyle is not compatible with raising a child?

Performing live is the lifeblood of my career.

I would be able to give it up. I know I would.

But it wouldn’t be easy. And I don’t want to. Even though I could release an album without accompanying it with a tour, the thought of not standing in front of a crowd while they belt out the lyrics to one of my songs is painful.

I could do it, but I hope I don’t have to because I’d miss it so much.

FOURTEEN

NOLAN

The room next to Maddy’s has a queen-sized bed, an attached bathroom, and a comfy looking armchair. Amber told me I could use it anytime, but I didn’t have a reason to until tonight.

After I get Maddy to sleep, I put the baby monitor next to the sink in the bathroom, strip down, and climb into the shower. The warm water washes the sweat from my body and the tension from my muscles, but it doesn’t do much to quiet my thoughts.

I’ve been on edge since Amber kissed me and the strain between us is not sustainable, especially since we’re about to hit the road. We need to clear the air, but I’m not sure how to do it. I turn the water off, rub a towel over my body, and shuffle out of the bathroom.

It’s after midnight, but the house remains quiet.

I probably ought to get some sleep, but I’m restless and agitated, and I know I’ll toss and turn for another night if I don’t talk to Amber so instead of climbing into the bed, I pull on a pair of shorts and a well-worn shirt.

I head downstairs and putter around the kitchen, mindlessly wiping the spotless countertop and wondering when they’ll be back. I open the fridge to grab a bottle of juice when I hear a clambering from the front of the house. With the juice in my hand, I exit the kitchen to find Amber and Mina in the foyer.

Amber is hanging her bag on a hook and kicking off her shoes. Her cheeks are rosy and she still looks stage worthy, but she’s moving slowly. She’s probably exhausted. I consider delaying until the morning, but hopefully talking will help her relax too. She spots me and quickly averts her gaze. I have the inexplicable urge to give her a hug even though I’m frustrated with her.

“How’s Maddy?” she asks without looking up.

“Oh…uh…she’s good. She went right to sleep when we got home.”

She chews on her lip. “But she hated the show?”

“Sort of. I mean…she didn’t see much of the show. We didn’t stay in the wings for long. But she was good leading up to showtime,” I remind her.

She slowly turns and leans against the wall. “Mina says she was really fussy before you left.”

“She was, but it was late, and she was tired.”

“All the shows go late.” Her shoulders sag while a weak smile appears.

“They do.” I hesitate and then cautiously add, “It might make sense for us to plan to leave shortly after the show begins.”

She frowns. “I don’t want to agree with you, but I don’t see how I can disagree. Babies need consistent rest.”

I nod in agreement. “I didn’t expect you to concur so easily.”

Her gaze flies to me. “I’m not an asshole. I want what’s best for Maddy.”

She’s defensive and I hate it. I’m not trying to be critical. “I know you do.” I pause to shore up my courage. “I…uh…think we need to talk.”

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