Page 50 of She's the Star

She sets the water bottle down on the floor and shakes her head. “No. I like that. When Teddy is driving me crazy, it’s simpler for me to blame him for everything. I do it all the time, even for the parts where I was a willing participant.” She curls her legs underneath her. “It’s hard to be objective about yourself and it’s even harder to hold yourself accountable. Especially when you have a tangled history with another person.”

“There doesn’t have to be a tangled history for it to be hard.” I barely knew Carla. “For me, it comes down to who I want to be. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see someone who can’t be honest with themselves.” I study my fingers. I’m making myself sound more noble than I am. “There’s another reason I didn’t fight back. The truth is, I felt like I was going to suffocate under their judgmental stares. I don’t know if it’s the result of growing up in the shadow of my father’s scandals or what, but I shut down when I feel threatened and I just wanted it to be over.” It isn’t an easy admission. I’m far too old to react so severely.

She reaches across the couch and covers my fist with her hand. “My mom used to always tell me that it doesn’t matter what other people think and while I wholeheartedly agree, it hits me like a ton of bricks every time someone talks shit about me.” She squeezes my hand. “You’re a good man, and I’m sorry that they judged you.”

I smile slightly. “It sucked, but I’m glad I’m here now.”

“Me too,” she whispers as she returns my smile.

The silence stretches and the soft look on her face beckons me closer. I want another kiss, but I settle for spreading my fingers and flipping my hand so we’re palm to palm.

NINETEEN

AMBER

We’re in Phoenix—our third tour stop—when Mina announces that Teddy is in the hallway outside my hotel suite. Nolan sits down on the sofa next to me, takes my hand, and asks, “Should I stay, or should I go?”

Teddy isn’t supposed to be here, so I say, “Stay. Definitely stay.”

Since the night in the hotel in San Francisco, Nolan and I have become close. We’ve spent hours talking and I’ve almost kissed him a dozen times. Sometimes I catch a look on his face like he thinks about kissing me as much as I think about kissing him.

But he doesn’t make a move.

And neither do I.

As evidenced by our first kiss, I’m going to feel things if his lips touch mine again. I’m busy imagining what it’d be like when Teddy appears in the doorway, so it takes me a second to notice that his hair is a mess and his eyes are bloodshot. Neither of those things stop him from smiling broadly.

“Surprise.” He throws up his hands like he’s tossing confetti as he saunters into the room. He’s wearing turquoise pants that have multiple creases, and a frilly shirt that is wrinkled far more than it should be. It’s mid-morning and it looks like he either slept in his clothes or hasn’t been to bed.

“What are you doing here?” I ask sharper than I intend to. He doesn’t seem to notice, but Nolan lightly squeezes my hand and I lean into him, soaking up his support.

“I’m on my way to Kansas City,” Teddy responds instead of answering my question.

“I know. We’re supposed to meet you in just over two weeks in Chicago.”

His shoulders drop and he hangs his head. “I just…I miss you and Maddy. LA isn’t the same when I can’t stop in and see you. And now that my tour has started, being on stage feels different…the energy is missing and I’m—” He presses the heal of his hand into his forehead.

“You are the energy,” I say in confusion.

He tugs on his hair and groans. “Not this time around. I can’t find my groove. I’ve only had two shows, but something is off. I feel like I’m lost.”

“You’re not lost,” I insist even though I wasn’t at his shows and have no idea how they went.

He lifts his head and glares. “You don’t know that. You can’t know that. You’re here with your boyfriend and our daughter while I’m alone.”

He’s never alone. I raise my brow and he huffs. “Fine. Not alone, but I’m not with anyone who matters either.”

“I’m confused,” Nolan says cautiously. “Are you here because you don’t think your tour is going well? Or because you’re jealous that Amber has a boyfriend?”

Teddy drops onto the couch opposite us and switches his glare from me to Nolan. “Can’t it be both?”

“I suppose,” Nolan replies slowly.

We’re offered a momentary reprieve when Maddy lets out a squeal from the other room where she had been napping.

Nolan and I briefly make eye contact before he smoothly rises to his feet and disappears into the hallway. As soon as he’s gone, Teddy groans and flings himself backward. His head contacts the wooden frame of the couch with a loud thud. “Fuck,” he says, rubbing it.

“Are you okay?” I ask, not just inquiring about his head.

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