Page 17 of Picking Pismo

David leaned against his truck, crossing his arms. He waited.

“Sure. What time do you think you’ll be back?” asked Claire.

In the background, Claire heard Alexis asking Juliet’s mom for the details. A few moments later, Alexis said, “She said she’ll take us to lunch then shopping. So, I should be back between three and four.”

Claire agreed to the plans and ended the call. Shoving her phone into her back pocket, she pushed up the sleeves of her shirt. “Alexis is going to lunch and shopping with Juliet. She’ll be gone for a few more hours. I guess I have time to take this stuff to Goodwill. If that still works for you?”

David straightened himself. “Yep, works for me.” He moved to the passenger side door and held it open. “Let’s go.”

Claire closed the distance between them, climbing into the truck. David waited until she was safely inside.

“Thanks.” Claire croaked. Her throat was suddenly dry and restricted. Heat smeared across her face and chest. “I appreciate it.”

“My pleasure.” Then David closed the door and went around the driver’s side, climbing in next to her.

Buckling her seat belt, Claire sensed the intimacy of the truck bench. Inside it was tight, and Claire was only a few inches from David. Claire reminded herself he wasn’t interested in her. David had placed her firmly into the friend’s camp when he didn’t contact her after the movie on the beach. And today, David was a nice guy, helping.

David started his truck, making the soothing melody of Jason Mraz fill the quiet of the truck cab. Casually, David placed his arm along the back of the seat bench to back out. His fingertips brushed the top of her shoulder, making Claire suck in the air. Surely, David felt the fireworks too, right? She stole a glance at him. Wrong. David remained stoically undeterred. His movements were methodical, once in the proper direction, he removed his arm, continuing down the street at a slow steady speed.

The residential neighborhood of her childhood passed by in a haze. Claire transported her thoughts away from David and back to the many memories wrapped up tightly inside of her. Grief engulfed her being. The familiar streets were riddled with memories at every turn. Each street and place they passed, an old experience wiggled its way to the surface like walking to Main Street for saltwater taffy, riding their bikes to the pier, pushing Alexis in the stroller down the sidewalk, and on and on her head twirled with the nostalgia of the past. Claire missed Mom so much her chest ached.

With no ability to push away the sadness, tears streamed down her cheeks. Claire swiped them away with the ends of her sleeves. Coming to a halt at the red light, David glanced between the windshield and her. Claire stared down at her hands in her lap, wishing for the brokenness inside of her to be pieced back together. They said time healed all wounds, but maybe hers were too deep to ever repair. Maybe she’d always be broken.

Clearing his throat, David’s voice startled her. “If you need them, there’s a pack of tissues in my glovebox.”

Swiping a few more tears away, Claire reached out and dug around in the glovebox until she located the small travel size pack of tissues. She peeled back the plastic top and took one out. “Thanks.” Claire dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “I didn’t think I would get so emotional… it was way harder than I thought parting with my mom’s things.” She exhaled, turning her face away from him, staring out the passenger side window.

The light turned green. David drove through the intersection. “I can’t imagine,” He paused, making a right-hand turn. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re incredibly resilient. I’m in awe of how much you’ve handled on your own, but you’ve managed to do it while gracefully taking on the care of Alexis. It’s truly commendable.”

Claire blew her nose. The tightness in her chest settled, easing the pinch between her shoulder blades. “It doesn’t feel that way.” Turning in her seat, Claire twisted halfway to glance over at him. “Most of the time I feel like I’m one step away from drowning. Like one last thing will push me all the way under.”

Hand over hand, David maneuvered his truck into the parking lot of Goodwill. He pulled into a spot and turned off the ignition, making the radio turn off with it. Suddenly, it became very still. Placing one arm around the back of the bench seat, David exhaled. He fiddled with his keys before shoving them into his pocket.

“I’m sure it does feel like you’re drowning. Tragedies can do that to a person.” Running a hand down his face, David paused, keeping his glance straight out the windshield. “I know I haven’t lost a parent, but I did lose someone I loved very much…” His voice trailed off.

He seemed to be a thousand miles away.

“Tell me about them,” said Claire. “I mean, if you don’t mind sharing.”

A long exhale made his chest heave. David turned back toward her, running a single finger across the fabric seat in the scant inches between their two bodies. “When I was in high school, after homecoming my senior year, me and my friend, Blake, were coming back from the dance.” His gaze flickered to hers, and the pain in his eyes nearly undid her. David stopped running his finger on the seat and rubbed his jaw. “Blake was driving. It was dark, and Blake took a turn too fast. We skidded right off the road and down the embankment.”

A long pause followed. Claire wasn’t sure if he was going to continue. David broke their gaze and stared blankly out the windshield. His voice cracked, “Blake died, and I lived. I lived, but for a long time it didn’t feel like living. It felt like a life sentence.”

“I’m so sorry,” whispered Claire.

David’s confident exterior melted away, and Claire desired deeply to pull him into an embrace.

Gripping his chest, David said, “That’s what I’ve got to deal with. I lived. He died. I’m here. He’s not. For years, I felt so guilty. Why was I the one who was saved? Blake was a way better guy than me. He was All-American in football, straight A’s, always the first to offer help to those who needed it. I wasn’t anybody special.” David pulled his gaze from the window. “But…” he spoke slowly. “Sometimes we never get to find out the why. We only get to learn how to move past it, how to live with the pain, how to create a life without them in it. So yes, you may feel like you’re drowning, but someday you’ll come up for air. Nobody knows how long it’ll take. It’s different for everyone when it comes to grief. For me it took a long time, but one day I woke up and realized I was finally on the other side of it. I realized I was going to be okay. I realized for whatever reason, God let me live and I needed to appreciate the gift of just… living. And though it doesn’t seem like it right now, someday you’ll be okay too. I promise.”

Exhaling, Claire gnawed on her bottom lip. “Thanks for telling me about… Blake. I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you.” She reached for his hand, but stopped herself in time and placed her palm flat against the fabric of the bench.

“It was awful.” David shifted, resting his arm along the back of the bench, his hand grazed the top of her shoulder. “I haven’t talked about it in years, but my whole point in telling you was, I didn’t think I’d ever move on. I thought I would be treading water forever, but eventually I was able to breathe again. You will too. Little by little, things will get better, more bearable.” His hand shifted more, cupping her shoulder.

Claire leaned into the warmth of his skin, allowing David to comfort her in this small way. “I don’t know if I can forgive God for taking Mom from Alexis and me.” Claire pinched the bridge of her nose. “The injustice of it is eating me alive.”

“You’ve certainly had a heavy load to carry. I know when I lost Blake, one day I finally decided to give my anger, sadness, and despair back to God. I let him carry it, because it was too difficult for me to do on my own,” said David.

“I know. I’ve been trying.” Claire shifted a tad closer to him. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

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