Page 29 of A New Year's Toy

Silently, I loop her hair around my fist. I smile to myself at the stark contrast of the intention behind the movement not ten minutes ago, to the end it serves now.

Nola angles her chin up, helping me to twist it up her head.

“Alistair?” she says, facing the wall ahead of her.

The second pin is in my hand, prepared to lodge into the bun I hold in place.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Do you…” Her voice is choked.

“Do I what?”

I’m eager to hear the question, to figure out what bothers her and wipe it off the face of the earth. Yet the constant reminder of her fragility in her current state levels my tone leads me to keep doing her hair peacefully.

She sighs, her shoulders slumping. From the side, I see the long lashes fluttering on her cheeks.

“Do you ever regret being with me?”

Fuck patience. I let go of the ribbon, spin Nola to her side and bend my knees to keep her extra warm on top of the room’s heating system.

“Why would you say that?” I kiss her jaw, her cheek, massaging her back.

My pulse races, my head analyzing our interactions over the past two weeks. “If I’ve done something to offend you, to make you think you’re anything less important to me than the air I breathe, tell me.”

“It’s not you.” Her hands drape around my shoulders, nuzzling her nose to my neck.

I cup the back of her head, brushing my lips on the top of it. “Then what, my love?”

“Sometimes, times like today…” she trails off.

“Yes?”

“I know we started in this teaching sort of relationship.” She rears her head back by some, gazing at me from below. “And I love it. I love us. I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s just that today I realized how unworldly I am. That I’m not enough for you.”

The speech I have lined up for tomorrow nearly spills out of me. It’ll clear things up for her in a heartbeat.

And it’ll overwhelm her, might not even get through in the slumber her body slowly sinks into.

Without the option to spank these irrational thoughts out of her, I choose the other easy path, for now.

“This.” I take her palm, pinning it to my chest. “It beats for you.”

“Alistair.”

“Quiet.” Slithering our joined hands down my chest, I expand my lungs. “These, they breathe for you.”

Her face scrunches, her eyes tearing up. I kiss her eyelids, then place her to the side so I can stand up and take her to the bath.

A crippling sense of incompetency accompanies me as I do, prevailing in every cell of my body. To have her cry in the aftermath of our sex in distress, it’s my fucking fault. I should’ve insisted we sleep and play all she wants in the morning. Should’ve made her tea, placed her in the enveloping cocoon of the water immediately.

I remind myself this isn’t about me. It’s a lesson for the future, a mistake I won’t regret. At the present moment, there’s nothing to do other than continue putting effort into pacifying her.

I sit first, like Nola likes it, guiding her into the hot water to climb into my lap.

She relaxes into me, her tears at bay. I can finally breathe a little.

“Nola.” Angling her cheek to my shoulder, I let my lips brush on her temple. “Trust me when I say this, I’m the one at a huge disadvantage here. Not you.”

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