Page 105 of A Stealthy Situation

Benny thumps my shoulder, which is fair.

“Seriously, that’s amazing. That was a big step for you both.”

His fingers twist through mine. “Yeah. I almost chickened out, if I’m honest. A few times.”

“But you didn’t. I’m so impressed.”

“Thanks. I guess I was kind of boosted by today.”

I’d been hesitant to ask, but now that he’s given me an opening, I can’t hold my question back. “How did it go?”

“I want to say good, but … not the right word. Promising? Depressing? All of the above.”

I chuckle. “They’re not usually words that go together, so you might want to explain some more.”

“Okay, so, even though this was just the preliminary meeting, we had a good chat, and he went over some basic tests with me. He said the testing is needed for a definitive diagnosis, but he’s confident in what the results will be.”

“Dyscalculia?”

“Yep.” Benny frowns for a moment. “I don’t think I’m upset about it. More that I should have known a long time ago. It’s … frustrating.”

“But you also said promising?”

“Yeah. He said because there’s more known about it, there are more coping mechanisms than ever.” Benny takes a deep breath. “He said when it comes to dyscalculia, there’s no magic fix. I’ll probably always operate, naturally, at an elementary school level. So that fucking sucks.”

I squeeze Benny’s hand harder.

“Numbers don’t just magically become understandable. I won’t suddenly learn my left from right, and I’ll probably never be able to look at a clock and read it without counting it out or even understand what the time means. But he said there’s also no reason to think I couldn’t pass statistics with extra time, a calculator, one-on-one assessors, and the ability to take notes in with me. I might not remember it after, but I’d be able to remember the steps for figuring everything out.”

“That’s amazing.”

Benny doesn’t look excited though. “All that is done through learning support. And to get that, I have to declare my diagnosis.”

That’s what he’s most afraid of. “What are the chances it’ll go under the radar? That they’ll grant the support without looking at past history?”

“I really don’t know. I don’t know how they do any of that, and the thought of risking my degree is terrifying.”

“So, what do you do?”

“For now … I’ve decided to drop stats. At least for the rest of the semester until I’ve been through this process. Once I have my diagnosis, I can think about it more clearly.” He swallows. “I did have a thought. Something that would probably work, without risking my degree, but it would mean transferring to Vermont. My brother-in-law is head of the math department there … they’ll be so fucking angry at what Em and I have done, but …”

“You’d still graduate.”

“Exactly.”

We stand there, not saying much, even as my fucking heart is hammering out of my chest. We’ve just told each other we’re in love, and now there’s a very real future where he might leave me. One that I wouldn’t even hold against him because it makes the most sense.

“Whatever you need to do.”

His scowl creeps back in, and I hurry to add, “Vermont is known for its greenery.”

Benny peeks up at me. “What are you saying?”

I’m running on pure instinct, gambling that this isn’t pushing too hard for what he’s ready for, but when it comes to his degree and the choices he needs to make, I don’t want to be a barrier for him. He has enough of those already. “There’d be a lot of plants there for me to study.”

“You’d come with me?”

“As long as you want me there, you wouldn’t even need to ask.”

---