Page 33 of A Stealthy Situation

He laughs, eyes bright behind his glasses. “I was a virgin until I met Felix and not interested in anyone. Yeah, I had a vague dream person who felt familiar, and we had a lot of fun together.”

“But you didn’t know the person?”

“In my dream, I did, but they weren’t anyone from real life. Just speaking from an ace perspective, someone doesn’t have to get your dick hard for you to be attracted to them.”

“Yeah, but I’m not ace.”

“You also didn’t think you were anything but straight, and yet you had a wet dream over a guy.”

He’s got me there, kinda. “Getting horny isn’t an issue for me. I guess … how do I know it was him that did it? Earlier today, we talked about how he’s hooked up with straight dudes before?—”

“Don’t let him pressure you,” Marshall says, suddenly sounding protective.

“No, it was nothing like that. Swear it. We were just talking, and I asked why a straight dude would hook up with a guy.”

“They wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, but from his explanation, I kinda think they could.”

Marshall’s lips flatten. “Guy-on-guy sex is gay. Or bi. Or pan, or … look, it’s anything but straight. The guys who claim to be straight are closeted or something.”

“He said some are, sure. But he also was adamant that he’d slept with some open-minded guys who wanted to know what it was like and ultimately decided that nope, they’re still straight.”

Marshall narrows his eyes. “Are you sure he wasn’t pressuring you? Like, did he tell you all that after saying, ‘Hey, Bowser, I can totally suck your dick, and here’s why’ type of thing?”

“Jesus, dude.” I drop into the chair opposite Marshall. “Look, I’ve always wondered. I didn’t tell Benny any of this, and he wasn’t pushing. He just wasn’t. The thing is, I’ve never considered that there was a safe way to try out my vague curiosity and see if it did anything for me.”

“What are you saying? You want to sleep with him?”

I face-plant onto the table. “I can’t work out where my thoughts are at. I’m open to it, sure, but I don’t know if it’s because our conversation got me thinking or because I specifically want to sleep with him.”

“Have you had any, uh, moments to make you think you might want to have sex with him?”

“There’s definitely something there. I was testing myself out today. But what if I bring it up and he’s open to trying and then … nothing?”

“Then it’s your right to say no.”

I look up again, propping my head on my hand. “That’s not the part I’m worried about. I don’t want to mess him around. If we try and I’m not into it, I don’t want him to feel bad or whatever. I also don’t want to get him all into it and then leave him high and dry. That’s mean, innit?”

“You can’t get him off just so he doesn’t get blue balls.”

“That’s not what I’m saying …” But what am I saying? I can’t blame Marshall for not following when I can’t even work out what the hell this is supposed to be about.

“I know why you’re confused,” he says. “I also get that for allo people, sex is like this big deal or whatever, but is it possible to just … not put so much pressure on it? Maybe the dream was just a dream, or maybe your curiosity goes away, or maybe you wait. See what happens. Then find yourself in a position that you know you want to try it out and it all happens organically.” Marshall screws up his face. “I can’t think of anything worse than an arranged hookup to see if a guy can get you off. The pressure alone would stop me from performing.”

He might be right about that. Marshall gave me some good points, but I’m someone who’s all for living in the moment. For feeling and experiencing. Waiting for some hypothetical future event isn’t something I usually do.

I’m having these thoughts now, and I want to act on them. The scientist in me is especially curious.

But I also understand better than others how circumstances and environment play a large part in something thriving or failing.

I don’t know what to do.

10

BENNY

Me:

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