Page 110 of Kings Fear No One
“You wouldn’t speak to me,” I whisper, vision blurred from tears. My throat’s gone tight, my heart aching. “You wouldn’t even look at me.”
“I was ashamed,” he admits, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I had failed you, Teysha. I promised you’d escape with me. I told you it was gonna be alright. But it wasn’t alright. I couldn’t protect you. And I couldn’t compartmentalize anymore. I couldn’t be there knowing what they were doing. Truth be told, I don’t even fucking get why you’re here. How you don’t hate my guts.”
Suddenly, it all makes sense. His detached behavior and hostile mood swings. He’d tried his best to push me away, not because he was disgusted and angry with me. But because he was disgusted and angry with himself. This entire time he’s blamed himself for what happened.
I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his chest. The sob bursts free, trembling out of me as I spend a second reminding myself, he’s real. He didn’t go through with it. He’s lying with me in bed and we’ve been given a second chance at life.
“I never,” I murmur between breaths, “Logan, I never blamed you. Not once. You kept me going. Don’t you see how you’ve saved me? Don’t you know that you were my only comfort?”
“Shhh… don’t work yourself up, baby.” His palm glides along the swell of my hip as though he’s not only reassuring me. He’s doing the same for himself. “It’s alright. I didn’t tell you that to make you upset.”
“But you need to know. You need to understand why I… why I…”
…love you.
I lose my voice a second time as the realization seizes me up. It brings even more tears, the gravity of it almost too much to comprehend.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he coos, holding me close. “I didn’t do it. I couldn’t. ‘Cuz I’ve got to make sure he’ll never come back. I’ve got to destroy him for good. That’s why I might have to go away again.”
My lungs twinge from the cries I’ve let out. “I wish there was another way.”
“There is no other way. I’ve got to destroy him. Him and the rest of the Chosen Saints. I’ll do anything to make it happen. Even if I don’t make it out this time.”
“But…” I pause to force a breath, trying to keep calm. “But… you have to make it out.”
I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t…
“The club will make sure you’re taken care of,” he says. “Mace knows. Silver too. Everybody will look after you. Or you can return to Boulder. Make a new life for yourself there.”
“My life is with you. My future is with you. We’ll survive it together.”
The corner of his mouth twitches like he’s endeared by my commitment. “I love that about you, you know that, right? Your hope. Your fucking never ending optimism. Even if it also drives me batshit sometimes that you are.”
“Then you should be more like me. More optimistic.”
He laughs, the sound rough and hoarse. “Maybe that’s what you’re for. Maybe that’s why you’ve been brought into my life. To make a grouchy SOB like me a little bit less angry.”
“You make me braver. You make me feel…”
Safe.
Seen.
Loved.
Logan lets me trail off. The silence does our work for us, communicating things we’re not ready to voice aloud. My epiphany about my feelings and possibly his too.
I distract myself with his tattoos. The many shades of ink marring his skin and their different meanings. He’s still studying the ceiling fan as it spins so fast it’s a blur.
“You ever gonna go back to school?”
“Hmmm?”
“You were taking classes, weren’t you?”
“Oh,” I say softly. “Yes, before that happened.”
“You should start them up again. Next semester.”
