Page 144 of Kings Fear No One
I’m not sure whether I’m about to burst into tears, pass out, or spew the contents of my stomach.
He crumples the sheet of paper in his fist and says, “Why do you think you need to leave?”
“It’s for the best. You said it yourself, this was never permanent. The marriage would be dissolved.”
“We agreed we’d wait ’til everything was over before we decided.”
“Everything is over. Abraham’s dead. The Saints have been eliminated. It’s a closed chapter.”
“I thought it was clear that ‘we decided’ meant we’d sit down and talk it out.”
I fuss with the strap of the duffle bag and shake my head. “That’s alright, I’m done obligating you. I need to go home and heal like you said.”
“I’m your home now. We’re each other’s home now,” he snaps. “Isn’t that what being married means?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Yeah, I heard you in the church. What’s that got to do with what I’m asking? Why are you leaving?”
The question feels so ridiculous, I can’t resist laughing. It sputters out of me as a solitary tear leaks out and slips down my cheek. Logan comes out from behind the kitchen counter with the letter still clenched inside his hand.
“Can you stop beating around the bush and tell me what the fuck is going on?” he asks. “You’re pregnant so that’s why you’re leaving? Where’d you get the idea you’ve got to leave ’cuz you’re pregnant?”
“Because I don’t know who the father is!” I scream. I explode, erupting into the tears that I’ve fought so hard against. They’re hot streaking down my cheeks and salty on my lips. I’m like a hummingbird no longer able to stand still, throwing my arms up, pacing back and forth. Desperate to be heard, the ugly truths claw their way out of me. “I don’t know whose baby this is, and I didn’t expect for it to happen, and I don’t want to put this on you. You can’t raise another man’s baby—that wouldn’t be fair!
“I won’t trap you like that, and I won’t wait for you to grow bitter. You’ll resent me and hate me for it. But I can’t handle the rejection. I can’t deal with you not wanting me anymore. But I can’t get an abortion and just get rid of it. I can’t do that either. So I’m leaving before all of that,” I ramble in a mess of tears and gasping breaths. “I’m sparing us all the heartbreak and drama, so just let me go!”
“Slow down. You’re talking too fast. You’re jumping to conclusions. You don’t know it’s Abraham’s?—”
“He wasn’t the only one!” I sob, my hands covering my mouth in hopes I’ll hold in what’s spilling out. It’s no use. It can’t be stopped. “He wasn’t the only one who did that to me. The guards… Xavier… a-and Brody… they… oh, god. I’m going to be sick.”
“Teysha!”
I scramble through the other half of the apartment in a mad dash for the bathroom. The lid of the toilet’s barely flipped up before I’m bent over it, heaving and retching. Like most days when nausea hits, there’s little to spit up.
But I have no choice except to ride it out. Let the nausea play out like it demands.
More tears murk my vision, and I curl closer to the ceramic toilet as if I’ll be able to hide myself. As if I can shrink somehow so that Logan won’t be able to find me. Unfortunately, he’s already followed me into the bathroom. He’s kneeling at my side, his large palm a comfort on my shivery, feverish skin.
“Hey, it’s alright,” he rasps. He rubs my back in soft circles. “Just breathe. Baby, just breathe.”
Baby.
How is it that one gentle word can bring such warmth to my insides when the rest of me feels so much turmoil?
I cough and drown in tears, fighting my way out of it. Fighting my way back to the moment rather than wallowing in what’s taken over.
Sheer grief and devastation at my circumstances.
“I’m sorry,” I croak, my throat aching. “I’ve made a mess…”
“Fuck the mess. C’mere.” Logan’s arms envelop me in a cocoon of warm comfort and safety. His hand cups the back of my head, stroking my messy hair as I find a nook between his neck and shoulder. “Fuck what some DNA says. I don’t give a damn. Don’t you get it? I’m in love with you, baby.”
“But… but…” Hiccups deter me from finishing my sentence.
“But nothing. I fucking love you, and there’s nothing that’s gonna keep us apart. We’re bound by the vows we took. Vows that meant nothing then but everything now. You said it yourself. Marriage means never quitting on each other.”
Any walls left standing come crashing down.
