Page 16 of Kings Fear No One
His only concern is cleaning his boots.
I crawl into my bunk, unsure of what I’m feeling or what’s happening and why. I wanted to believe it would be alright, but now I’m not so sure.
When I was a little girl, I saw the princes rescuing princesses in the fairytales and hoped someday I’d experience the same. I’ve waited my whole life for that kind of fairytale ending. I always assumed it would happen when I married the man I loved.
I imagined he would be everything I ever wanted. He would be the man of my dreams.
I never thought he’d be a man I was forced into making vows with. I never thought I’d be held captive and made to have sex with him for other’s entertainment.
And I never thought I’d be finding comfort even in the dark.
More comfort than even my cross brings me. More comfort than the prayers I whisper give me.
Over time it becomes the reality I know. My life from before fades ’til it no longer feels like my own. It’s no longer a life I remember.
The days blur together. The warm afternoons collecting fruit. The late nights lying in a bunkbed listening to crickets chirp. Every time we’re called upon by the Leader to consummate our marriage.
One night, the lights have already gone out when we’re sought out. Xavier comes down to retrieve us. We’re brought into the Leader’s spacious bedroom where we find him in an armchair, nursing a drink. Mandy’s perched on his lap, smoking a cigarette.
I glance up at Logan, seeking reassurance. He’s already overtaking me, already easing me against him as if about to wrap me up. He’s glaring at the Leader and Mandy.
I can feel the animosity that fills the space between them.
We have sex as they watch. Mandy puts out her cigarette and the Leader pulls down her top to play with her breasts. He barks orders at Logan and applauds when he’s pleased by our performance. By the time Logan’s spilling himself inside me, the Leader’s inside Mandy.
We’re not dismissed until after they’re done with each other.
The second we’re cleared to go, Logan’s gripping my elbow. He keeps me pinned to his side the entire walk to our cabin.
We rarely talk when alone. I suspect it’s because he knows I’ll seek comfort. The same words he whispers when he’s taking me. Maybe some affection. Some bonding.
Instead, once it’s over, he’s distant. He won’t look at me, and he refuses to talk. He’s my husband only when we’re called upon and he’s inside me. Yet these dark moments still become some of my most comforting.
Torture and solace wrapped together in moments that change me forever.
I’m still broken. Still damaged.
But I can hang on with Logan’s touch. His fingers bruising my skin and his rough breaths in my ear. The little shudder he makes me feel when I fall apart.
They’re not much, but they’re all I have.
Logan will never be the man I thought I’d marry, but he’s enough for a place like this. I count the days with him and admire how he remains strong at all times. He never cracks and never lets them get to him.
It would be great to be that unshakable.
No wonder he’s able to comfort me in the darkest moments of our lives. He’s so strong, he can withstand anything. I doubt I’ll ever be that strong, but if I can hang on for another day, then I’ll make it.
Count the days.
It’s drizzling out as the evening fades into night, and we’re called upon. Logan grabs my hand, and we cross the field leading up to the house.
“Walk faster,” Brody snaps, poking the barrel of his rifle into my spine. “He wants you in his bedroom.”
Logan taps his knuckles on the door. We enter expecting to be greeted by a familiar sight.
The Leader in his armchair, clutching his drink. Mandy on his knee, puffing on a cigarette.
But tonight, things are different. Mandy’s gone.
