Page 63 of Condemned Soul

“This is where they send the important people, Joanne.” I take my cigarette pack out my pocket and tap it on the table before sliding one out with my teeth. “I get to request whatever I want.”

“Well, I’m flattered you requested me.” She throws me a sarcastic grin.

“I requested you because I want some answers,” I admit, sparking up my smoke and exhaling my first drag right into her face.

“We all want something, Jimmer, doesn’t mean we get it.” Her lips remain tight and her posture straight.

“Why, Joanne? What did I ever do to you?” I let her see that she’s hurt me, ain’t no use in hiding it. This woman sitting in front of me almost had me a second time, and for that, she deserves her reward.

“You ruined my life. I would never have had to marry Walker if it wasn’t for you.” She seems to take pleasure in telling me that. Like she thinks it will hurt me, but I’m not the man I was twenty-five years ago.

“Bullshit. You didn’t have to marry him. You never gave me a chance to give you another option.”

“What are you saying, Jimmer? That you would have married m?—”

“Yes,” I cut her off before she can even finish her question. Because that is something I’m sure of.

“Now, who’s bullshitting?” She drops her facade so she can laugh at me and I shut her up when I slam my fist at the table.

“I loved you, Jo. I wanted us to be a family. You need to get real with yourself and admit that you married that man because I didn’t have enough to offer ya.” It hurt back then and I’ll admit it still hurts now, but it’s the raw truth.

“I was pregnant and scared, I needed some stability.” She tries to justify herself.

“I would have given you stability, I’d have given you fuckin’ everythin’ you wanted.”

“I wasn’t cut out to be a biker whore, Jimmer.” She frowns at me.

“You were never a whore, at least not until you met Marty.” I throw that at her too and watch how she shudders.

“I did what I had to do.” She lets her mask slip again.

“Oh yeah, and was blackmailin’ all those kiddy fiddlers what ya had to fuckin’ do? Was working with Cliff Adams to destroy my club, part of your fuckin’ callin’?!” I lose my temper and yell

“Yes. I was trying to protect my daughter. You were bad for me then, and you're bad for Ella, now. Same as that husband of hers. This is not the life I wanted for her.” She starts getting real honest with me.

“And Walker was good for her? Because I recall some things that he did to her that still haunt her today. You knew what kind of man he was and you made her endure it. You could have come to me, and you shoulda the first time he laid a finger on you. All that happened, and all that you’ve become, is caused by your greed. You wanted money and stature, not love. And look where it got ya. Where’s your reputation now, Joanne?”

“I don’t think you're in the position to judge.” She glances her eyes over me like I’m a piece of shit.

“Your judge husband made money outta innocent kids’ sufferin’. And so did you. My club have done everythin’ in their power, even risked their own lives to try and protect those kids. You tell me who has the right to lay judgment.” She closes her eyes while she takes in what I’m saying and tries to compose herself.

“Are you gonna tell me why I’m here?” She opens them back up and clears her throat impatiently.

“You’re here so I can make my confession.” I notice how she stares back at me like she’s suddenly intrigued.

“I loved you, Joanne. I cared about you, and all I wanted since the day I met you was to be the man who made you happy. I wanted my club to be your home, I wanted us to raise Ella together, to give her brothers and sisters.” I watch the tears forming in her eyes and how desperately she tries to hide them.

“But, what I wanted for you wasn’t enough.”

“I was nineteen and pregnant by an outlaw.” She tries to defend herself.

“An outlaw who would have died for you. An outlaw who built a whole family of people who would have protected you with their last breath.”

“Jimmer, I didn’t understand you or your club until I came to stay with you, by then it was too late. Cliff was persuasive. It started off as blackmail because he was on Vincent’s client list and then he promised me he could get me Ella back.”

“Ella’s where she belongs now, she has a husband who loves her, friends who care about her. And two beautiful children who will grow up surrounded by love and loyalty. Protected by the club that I have built. And you know what the saddest thing about it all is, darlin’?” Now it’s my turn to laugh. “All of that could have been yours too. It fuckin’ should’ve been yours. But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”

I start to feel my own emotions taking over when I watch that sink in. There was a time in this woman’s life when she loved me. I felt it and I fuckin’ treasured it and now, I feel as if I’m looking at a stranger.

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