Page 86 of Condemned Soul

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“What we doin’ out here?” I try to sound upbeat as I look around the yard that the guard has led me out to. Prez is sitting on top of a bench and I step up on the seat so I can sit beside him.

“Thought we could use a change of scenery.” He looks out at the barren land that's on the other side of the chain-link fence, as he tokes back on his cigarette. He’s calm and relaxed, so relaxed that it’s got me worried.

“Consuela said you wanted to see me.” I don’t give a fuck about the scenery. I wanna get to the finding out why.

“You should be nice to her. She’s a good person,” he tells me thoughtfully.

“Is that why you brought me here, to tell me to be nice?” I laugh to myself and steal one of his cigarettes from the packet on the seat.

“Nah, Jess, that's not the reason.” His foot taps against the seat where they’re resting and he drops his head for a few seconds before he starts to speak.

“Ya know, thirty or so years ago me and your dad thought the world hated us, and we wanted to kick back at it.” Just hearing him mention my dad puts a sinking feeling in my chest. “We learned a lot, earned a little, but most importantly, we made ourselves a family we wanted to be a part of.” He laughs a little as he thinks about it. “This club was never about bein’ hard-assed, or earnin’ dollars. It was about creatin’ a place where we belonged, and maybe helpin’ others discover their place too.” I can see how proud he is of that, and it only confirms what Maddy said earlier. “We did that.” He nods his head slowly. “We did it, and you became a part of it too.” He turns his head to look at me

“My part’s done, it’s on you now.” His eyes are glistening with tears that he ain’t ashamed to let me see and I feel a shiver go over my skin when I fear that there are no words I can say that are gonna convince him he’s wrong. “You got it up here, kid.” he taps his finger against his temple. “And you damn sure got it in there.” His hand slaps at my chest.

I shake my head ready to interrupt, but he cuts me off.

“You need to know that I’m not bein’ brave or heroic puttin’ myself in that jail. I’m bein’ a coward,” he admits, making no fuckin’ sense and when I frown at him in confusion, he smiles at me. “I’ve known for some time now that I wouldn't be with you for much longer. I was too scared to accept it, too scared to tell ya, and too scared to have you all watch me grow weak.”

“How long have ya been workin’ with these people?” I try to figure out what he’s trying to tell me.

“It’s a tumor, Jess. A big, fat tumor that's feedin’ on my brain and takin’ a little more of me every day.” I hold my breath and stare at him when he’s finished his sentence. “I can’t get it taken out, and it’s too advanced for treatment. Up to now, I’ve managed with the symptoms, but things are startin’ to happen. I’m losin’ memories, memories that are far too precious.”

“Memories of her,” I interrupt him, knowing that he’s talking about Hayley, and when he nods his head I look up at the sky to try and keep my tears from falling.

“This is how I want to go out, Jess, I wanna die with blood on my hands and fight in my heart. You understand that, right?” He stares at me firmly when I look back down at him, and despite all the emotions that are going through me I nod, because I do understand. It don’t mean I’m ready to accept it, though.

“I’m so proud to have had you, not just as a brother, but as…a son and best friend. You are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. And this is your time,” he tells me confidently.

“I’m not ready. I’m too young…” I shake my head, surely he’s got to see that.

“You don’t get it, do ya?” He laughs at me. “You were born to be a leader; your age, and the fact you look like a fuckin’ playboy? It never held you back. People believe in you, wherever ya goin’ and whatever ya doin’, they wanna be a part of it. You’ve been running this club without even knowing it for some time now. And now the future is yours. You don’t need to worry about makin’ me or ya papa proud. You did that already. Just do you. Give it the best shot you got. It’ll be enough. I know it will, because despite that smart head of yours, every decision you make, you make with your heart.” He keeps that smile on his face and I feel myself crumbling on the inside when I realize that he’s trying to say goodbye to me.

“I’m scared.” The words come out and make me feel like that twelve-year-old boy he took in all those years ago.

“I told ya before it’s okay to be scared. It’s good. You're scared because it matters. All you gotta do is exactly what you’ve been doin’. Take care of ‘em, be patient, be forgivin’, and always trust your instincts.” He tells me and when the guard, who’s standing by the door calls out to us that yard time is over, I throw a death stare back at him.

“We need a little longer,” I yell back.

“We ain’t got a little longer, Jess,” Prez rasps. “I wrote the confession, Longford is here to make sure I sign it.” Prez stands up and holds out his hand to me.

“No,” I shove it away. “I’m not sayin’ goodbye to you. Once ya sign that statement they transfer you outta here and…”

“I know.” He nods his head so calmly that I wanna shake him and make him as angry as I am.

“I lov?—”

“Don’t!” I point my finger at him fiercely. “I don’t want ya talkin’ like this is the end.” I shake my head at the stubborn, old man as I turn away from him and march toward the door. I need time to process this. I need a new plan. A tumor is not gonna kill Jimmer, nor is going to fuckin’ jail. I’m gonna speak Consuela and get him outta here. Then, just as I step through the door my feet stop moving and all the emotions that I’ve tried to turn off inside my head attack me at once.

I’m never gonna see him again.

I turn back around and rush back toward the man who shaped me into the person I am today. I let him see how much pain I’m in as I throw my arms around his shoulders and I squeeze him real fuckin’ tight.

“This ain’t the end, Jess.” He grips hold of the cut he handed to me when I was just eighteen years old, the same one my dad used to wear. “For you, and everyone back at home. This is just the start.” He grabs my face in his hands and makes me look at him. “I’ve loved ya like a son since the day I brought ya home. It’s your time,” he tells me again, emphasizing his words when he shakes me. The smile on his face is as brave as it is proud. and despite all the agony that's tearing up my heart I smile back at him.

“Go be their leader.” He dusts off the lapels of my cut and sends me on my way.

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